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#2232982 - 03/24/12 02:27 AM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
We had a nice day together today. He brought up wanting to play video games at a buddy's house soon. Not sure when he'll be doing that, but I'm sure it'll be sometime this weekend. I don't have a problem with it at all.

I hate that his going out is such a sensitive topic for me, I really do. He just spent so many years lying and going out behind my back. Going out excessively and stumbling in the door drunk at 3am, convincing me that I was dreaming all of it up frown It was awful. Now he says that he made some horrible mistakes and he'll never do that to me again.

I keep meaning to share this. Check this out. Hopefully it works! It would be neat to interact with you all this way as well as through here.

As much as I love my 3 evenings per week that I'm off school, I hate them at the same time. I'm so used to always being on the go, that when I do have time to just be at home while J is at work or out, I get to thinking, and I analyze the heck out of everything, no matter how much I try not to. I hope more than anything that we will learn to trust each other. I know that I'm taking tentative steps toward trusting him. I know it may not seem like it, but I am. I'm accepting that he wants to be happy with me, and he is trying to do what he can to make it happen on his end. I'm doing what I can. We've slipped a hell of a lot, but I do believe that we're making progress smile
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

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#2232993 - 03/24/12 04:47 AM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
greenblue90 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/11
Posts: 685
Ok then GAL on those nights too. You don't even necessarily have to go out, just find something time consuming, distracting and rewarding.

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#2233039 - 03/24/12 12:52 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: greenblue90]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
Like...? smile I'm not good with GAL activities.

Did you click on the link?

I really dislike J's temper with the kids. He freaks out and then accuses me of letting them be monsters because I'm not freaking out.
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

Top
#2233134 - 03/25/12 03:08 AM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
greenblue90 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/11
Posts: 685
It just took me to facebook

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#2233136 - 03/25/12 03:21 AM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: greenblue90]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
Not a FB group?
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

Top
#2233137 - 03/25/12 03:22 AM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
greenblue90 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/11
Posts: 685
No...

Although to be honest I like staying anonymous.

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#2233362 - 03/26/12 12:13 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: greenblue90]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: greenblue90
I swear sometimes I just want to smack you both.

(it's because me and my W have made the same type of youthful mistakes)

You and J fight dirty, right now it's more about proving who is right than about the issues themselves. You guys perpetuate your fights and multiply resentments by taking cheap shots at each other.

I recommend "the seven principles for making marriage work".

The author watched 100's of couple fight and he got good enough at predicting with 90% accuracy who would stay together and who would divorce based on how they handled fighting.

He has a chapter where he talks about the fighting styles divorced couples had in common, and another on the traits and fighting styles long term marriage couples had in common. It's a real eye opener, and could benefit you two a lot.

Otherwise you guys will just spiral out of control again.


Love this ^^^^ Jenna - heed this advise. I was in your shoes at your age and believe me if you can get this you will live your life much better than if your don't. And , you have kids at a young age just like I did....incentive to get this!!!!!!

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#2233366 - 03/26/12 12:21 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: MrBond]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: MrBond
"Having my feelings ignored does not make me happy. "

That's the part you don't understand. He is not ignoring your feelings. You are still resentful, hurt and insecure from his actions before. From what you've been describing, he seems to be trying, but it's not good enough for you.

That's why I encourage YOU to bring down your expectations. You aren't going to have your feelings change overnight. Take a deep breath and get into the mode of appreciating what you have. So many people on here would kill to be in the position you're in.

Just to give you a relative timeline. It takes 1 month for every 1 year of being in the relationship for things to get better (resentments to fade, feelings to come back, etc.).

Just breathe before you say anything else or else every interaction you have will be negative. If you need inspiration, think of your kids and remember this is your partner for them.


Excellent ^^^^^ Jenna - I'm a fan of yours since the beginning. The fact that you can admit openly what is going on with you shows me you have the strength to be honest, even when we are going to say things you need to hear. That same strength of yours will help you get over this. You can do this. Trust this great advice, slow down, breathe. The universe will fight for you, just be still!

Also, you both have such busy schedules. That makes anyone have a shorter fuse. Is there any way you two can lighten the load?

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#2234588 - 03/31/12 01:38 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: rickb89]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
Things had been going so well. We had been showing each other so much love. Thursday night we had plans to hang out after he got off work. He called to tell me he was giving a buddy a ride home, then he'd be home. Some time passed and I called to see where he was. He was drinking at his buddy's house. I got upset. We fought when he got home. It escalated. It got physical. He didn't (and has never) struck me, but he wouldn't let me get away from him. He is 6'4". He has 13 inches and 140lbs on me. He picked me up off the ground by my head. He harshly grabbed me by my upper arms and shoved me into a wall, and I fell on the ground. He threw me onto the bed a few times. At one point I was having a full blown panic attack and couldn't catch my breath. I was terrified. He was on me and wouldn't let me up. I begged him to get off of me because I couldn't catch my breath, and he said I was faking. I panicked and hit him in the face to get him to get off of me. After I ran to the window to get air he threw my phone into the wall, smashed a plate over his own head, and screamed about hating me and how everyone in my family loves him more than me. I wasn't silent through all of this, but I WAS on the defense. I never wanted things to get physical. I acted in self defense.

He's only gotten physical a few times in our 9 years together. Alcohol was involved each time. If we're fighting and he's been drinking, it's a horrible combination. He's not an 'abuser'. And trust me, I am not blind to what happened. But I've been with him 9 years and he rarely raises his voice to me, let alone abuses me. I've hit him before. Not proud of it, but it happened. Not in a long time.

That said, I don't know that this is worth it anymore. Yesterday he was blaming me for hitting him that night. I practically begged him to not give up on us. I'm thinking much clearer today, and what I said to him yesterday sounds so twisted to me now. He overpowered me, and I was trying to get him to stay? I can't look at him the same way anymore. He's apologetic today. Yesterday? Not so much. He blamed us both. I'm being 100% honest when I say I spent that whole fight trying to get away from him. He was blaming us both for letting it escalate to that point.

I'm so conflicted. I doubt he'll give up the drinking. Tried that one with him before and he stopped for a while, then started up behind my back. He never sees it as the problem, just a contributor. He defends it, saying most of the time when he drinks everything's fine.

Oh, and it's my 25th birthday today. Happy birthday to me.
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

Top
#2234607 - 03/31/12 03:49 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
I showed J the (small) bruises that he left on my shoulder/arm and instead of being sympathetic and ashamed, he showed the bruise I left him in [censored] SELF DEFENSE. I'm done. I ended it. I talked to him about stopping the drinking and he of course defended it, saying it's not the problem. 

I'm in tears frown I was going to go out with my mom tonight, but I'm not up for that now. I think I'll still have my grandparents take the kids overnight, though. They have do much fun up there. 

I can't believe this has happened, but I want to be happy and I know I deserve so much more. 
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

Top
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