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Joined: Dec 2011
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Here's my last thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2216037#Post2216037

My partner of almost 9 years left me on December 8th, 2011. Today marks 8 weeks since he left. As of yesterday we are exclusive and dating each other.

I was not expecting the whirlwind of emotions that I'm currently feeling. For 8 weeks I hoped this would happen. I am worried that he has not made any positive changes of his own, though he says he is starting to. We're both apprehensive about this, but we both want the same result: to be in a healthy, happy, strong, committed relationship with each other.

We will remain living apart. We're still filing child support. We are not back together, we're dating and hoping it will naturally progress into us finding that we don't want to live without each other and we'll get back together. We feel that the implications from stopping the filing of child support would cause too much pressure on us to be together, and we are taking this time to get to know each other again. He sent me this text yesterday:

"It's weird, like you're a whole new woman, and I have all the insider secrets because I know what you like :)"

It's tough trying to figure out boundaries while piecing. We both know we need space. He will not be coming over here every night. We will be having a date night once a week. I'm looking into counseling for us through the University he's attending.

I did tell him yesterday that I'm not comfortable with him continuing to text the coworker he was Interested in when he left me. He says they're just friends now and nothing happened, but it makes me uncomfortable. I don't find it to be appropriate. He never texted any women before he left me in December. Him cheating was one worry I didn't have to have. I had a major issue with controlling him. I just know that he would have continued to text her and see nothing wrong with it had I not said something frown I believe that we need to make our own choices, but my feelings on that matter are strong. It's bad enough to know he still works with her. They don't need to text frown Ugh. Is that wrong of me?

Any advice or insight would be much appreciated smile


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
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HI Jenna,

Its a good place to be in, piecing. Welcome. But I am a little confused. Did you say your H is still in touch with an OW? Did they have an EA? I think its good you let him know how you feel about it. Just don't bug him, and if one day you have to set a boundary, do so when you know you are reasy for the consequences.

But for now, if you feel you are connecting, then be the best you can be, keep your changes, and let him see how much he will be losing if leaves you. I think what you are doing.... still keeping on the track you are in, with regards to child support, living apart but dating .... it sounds good to me.

One thing though.... don't expect anything! Enjoy it and foster the communication, connection and love.

Keep posting and read the stories here in piecing to get an idea how hard it is!


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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I am so surprised by how I'm feeling. I'm feeling more and more wrong about this.

Well, I'm not sure I'd consider her an OW. He was interested in her, but she felt it was too soon after his relationship ended to start seeing him. He acts like he could have been with her but chose not to. I don't buy it. I don't trust him frown I'm not sure I want this. I feel horrible today, and it's totally different from the pain I've felt the past 8 weeks since he left. He hasn't grown into a better person and I have. He's attracted to it. I don't see much in him that I want. Wow frown I was not expecting to feel like this. I'm not sure what to say to him when he picks up our D from school today and comes over to hang out.


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
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Jenna,

I think it is too soon to start expecting changes. As of now, he has to figure himself out.

If you notice a lot of sitches here have gone on for months and months. 8 weeks seems too soon for both of you to change or for any changes to stick.

I would say take it slow. Don't make any sudden decisions.

What will you do when he comes home? be casual, talk, but try to avoid too much R talk. As he says, see where it goes. Concentrate on yourself, your changes. Be the good example.


Don't try to push your H into something he is not ready to be yet. Remember, you can only control yourself, and not him.

Ask yourself, what do you really want?

Your H at least seems to be willing to work on it. Perhaps he has to learn, one thing at a time, what it takes to save the M.

I have been in my sitch for almost 2 years now, we started piecing last November. I can tell you that a long time ago I started seing what I needed to change, and understanding why things happened as they did, but untl now, I make mistakes and backslide. I still have no expectations of my H,because when I do I just get disappointed. BUt I see him coming along as well, and appreciating the time and space I give him to figure out things for himself.

I think you still both have a lot to learn. It will be a rolleer coaster, so fasten yur seatbelt. I think you still are not in piecing, to be honest.

But it does seem like you have a good chance....play it right!


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 322
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It's been a while since I posted to this thread. We had our 9th anniversary yesterday. It was a pretty stressful day, unfortunately. I need to stop talking to certain family members about the situation. Their words mess with my head and have me doubting my decisions. I know in my heart that J and I will be happy! We both want this so much. Everything is great as long as I live in the present, rather than the past, and trust that we're starting fresh.

He has plainly let me know that the ball is in my court, that he's in this 100%, and that he'll feel that way even if I decide that I don't want this. That sounds like something a LBS would say...

I have been struggling with trusting that he's come back for the right reasons. I also have to trust that he won't leave again. I know these are normal feelings. Our first counseling session is on the 21st smile


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 322
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Posts: 322
He keeps snooping on my phone frown He isn't trusting that I'm in this 100%. We're both fearing the same thing about each other's intentions. I'm not snooping on him anymore, though. He was so clingy and cuddly lady night, and kept complaining that he was telling me he loves me and I wasn't saying it back. I was asleep! I think he just feels very vulnerable now that he's let me know that I have the power in the relationship and that he's basically at my mercy. I really wish he wouldn't look at it like that.

I'm having a hard time fighting thoughts that he left me to see if he could be with the coworker, and when she ended up not feeling more than friendship for him, he came back to me. He denies that he left or came back for those reasons. He said he was numb and fed up when he left, and soon after leaving he'd been wanting to come back, and it showed.

I need to find a way to cope with these thoughts and feelings. He told me he wants me more than he could have ever wanted her. I don't know, I feel guilty for not leaving all of the crap regarding the coworker in the past when I remember what I put him through for YEARS when I thought I was in love with 2 people. I guess I'm worried I'll go through what I put him through. He never should have put up with it. I never would. I wish he didn't have to work with her anymore. He said the most they interact anymore is saying hey while passing each other. He tells me I have absolutely nothing to worry about. He's never cheated and never would. He wants me back more than anything and that I have to trust him.

I do want this. I know he does.


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,119
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Jenna - you guys have to grow beyond jealousy and clinging to the past. A lot rides on this so make yourselves grow beyond this. You haved been so mature and strong, don't let your fear "f" up your life now!

I'm the victim of someone who cannot not trust and has crazy jealousy issues. Trust me, get past this. It's massively destructive.

Jenna - I'm watching you....get over this!!!!!!!

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I want to get past it more than anything. I know he does, too. PMA! That is so important. I need to keep my PMA. It's infectious smile When I'm in a good mood, not dwelling on the past, his demeanor completely changes. I see what he means when he tells me I have an enormous effect on him. It's a lot of pressure on me, though. He does need to find security and happiness within himself as well as with me.


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 345
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Jenna,

you had mentioned a while ago that you were going to MC. Did you have your appointment yet? It seems that jealousy should be one of the main things to discuss with the MC. I hope your MC will give you some pointers on how to deal with it.

I think it's interesting that your P is so distrustful. HE was the one who broke your trust, yet somehow how they are always able to turn it around and make you responsible for it.

Are you reading any books about jealousy or forgiveness?


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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Happy Valentines Day Jenna! Hope you have a great day. Keep being strong!

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