Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing

[MrBond]

"It's mostly the drinking that has me worried."

Then stick to this. Be sure he understands that it's not the going out. It's the drinking and that you're worried that one day he may not come home to you and your kids. You're doing very well.

[Jenna333]

Yeah, we talked about it at MC yesterday and he seems to understand. He's been pretty lovey and happy, so I think it's safe to say he's not feeling ganged up on and/or resentful It's pretty obvious when he is feeling that way.

Thanks for the honest advice!

[MrBond]

That sounds great. Always remember to stick to what the real issue is and break it down so he understands. That was a perfect example. His going out wasn't the real issue, the drinking was. The more you practice really communicating with each other, the easier this becomes and the closer you'll get to each other.

[RoRoinMD]

That sounds great. Always remember to stick to what the real issue is and break it down so he understands. That was a perfect example. His going out wasn't the real issue, the drinking was. The more you practice really communicating with each other, the easier this becomes and the closer you'll get to each other.

This is great info Jenna! I, too, thought you just wanted him not to go out all. Glad you guys have worked through this.

Mr. Bond gave you some great advice! (I'm taking it for myself too)

[Jenna333]

It's because he's irresponsible when he goes out, you know? Chronically irresponsible

We've been fighting since I got off work (I'm at school now). Irritating. He jumped to conclusions and has been belittling my feelings. I called him names. Blahhh. I'm tired of us fighting all the time.

[MrBond]

There's something that sets you two off. What is it?

[Jenna333]

I think it's honestly just stress. I'm still getting used to being busy all the time, and he's struggling in his calculus class (again) and is going to drop it. It's stress about other things. We tend to just have our emotions always running on high, and we snap easily.

It just really hurt that after I left for school and called him to apologize for my part in the fight and to ask him how I can make him feel more loved, he acted in an immature manner when it was my turn to talk about my feelings. I told him that I feel loved when he helps out around the home. He said, "So you want me to be a slave?" My jaw just dropped. I did not say or mean that at all. He was just rude. And for him to tell me to treat him better while he's acting like that?!

What started the fight was when he jumped to a conclusion and started fighting with me and I called him a selfish a-hole. I know I shouldn't have done that. I apologized for it. That's what he meant when he said I need to treat him better. I tend to lose my cool during fights and name call. I know it's not respectful or acceptable. He said that's all I need to improve on. I feel like he needs to mature! Quit making me feel like he doesn't care about my feelings He says he does. I'm starting to really doubt it.

[greenblue90]

I swear sometimes I just want to smack you both.

(it's because me and my W have made the same type of youthful mistakes)

You and J fight dirty, right now it's more about proving who is right than about the issues themselves. You guys perpetuate your fights and multiply resentments by taking cheap shots at each other.

I recommend "the seven principles for making marriage work".

The author watched 100's of couple fight and he got good enough at predicting with 90% accuracy who would stay together and who would divorce based on how they handled fighting.

He has a chapter where he talks about the fighting styles divorced couples had in common, and another on the traits and fighting styles long term marriage couples had in common. It's a real eye opener, and could benefit you two a lot.

Otherwise you guys will just spiral out of control again.

[Jenna333]

Thanks for the rec. I'm getting so sick of this. He slept on the couch last night. I was still seething when I got home from school. I just feel like he doesn't care about my feelings as much as he should.

You'll definitely want to smack me for this. He climbed into bed with me this morning and cuddled me, repeatedly telling me that he loves me and missed me. I pretended to be asleep and didn't say a word. I told him not to sleep on the couch last night, but he did anyway. We were fighting, though, and I was bitter.

I just feel lost! Like I don't want to try very hard anymore because I'm fed up. It goes back to when, towards the end of our separation, I started to see the silver lining to not being with him. Sometimes the idea of not dealing with this anymore is so nice. We just have to get back to a good place, or we're dooming ourselves. There is just near constant conflict that we're both responsible for and it's wearing us down. We both feel like we're walking on eggshells, and when one of us slips, the floodgates are opened.

[MrBond]

Sounds like the problem is you. You're becoming the WAS which is what often happens in your case. Have you thought about going to C alone?

He's trying his hardest. He stayed on the couch to give you space (sound familiar with what you did to him when he was the WAS?).

"I started to see the silver lining to not being with him. Sometimes the idea of not dealing with this anymore is so nice."

Typical WAS thinking. Now you know how he felt.

"We just have to get back to a good place, or we're dooming ourselves. There is just near constant conflict that we're both responsible for and it's wearing us down."

Sounds like it's wearing YOU down. YOU are putting so much stress and expectations into this that you're getting the stress and taking it out on J. It sounds more like he's walking on eggshells around you rather than the other way around because he doesn't know what's going to set you off. And if he doesn't do something the way you expect it to, you get upset. He's not a mindreader and you have to relax some.