Sunday evening we had some nice open conversations, some enjoyable time together and although I hoped to never do it, I backslid a bit. It was so familiar. He returned from his trip with a hand written card expressing his apologies, that I am a good person and don't deserve this treatment, and he hopes that some day I can forgive him.
Monday morning we had a discussion that I appreciate the card and the time we spent together on Sunday evening but that it doesn't change anything. He said he understood and doesn't blame me, but he also doesn't regret anything.
I was home sick yesterday, and out of communication mostly. He was emailing and texting like crazy, which was tough as I was trying to re-establish my boundaries and remain dark.
Last night he took the kids to his moms for her bday, and I stayed home to get my head on straight. He came home quickly and it felt like he was trying to fall back into past behavior (whether he intended to or not)
This morning he was doing the same, in actions and conversations. I felt myself tensing up and realizing this was a dangerous and slippery slope. I needed to get my footing and go very dark. He felt it happening and kept asking "what is wrong" even though I had already explained that nothing had changed and I was still figuring out my future and the boys future.
I mentioned this morning that we should really consider finding a MC sooner rather than later. In my mind, it can be beneficial no matter what happens. We have already agreed that we have 20 plus years and need to coparent amicably.
He said that he is open to MC but doesn't want to give up his IC. I said "i would never want you to"
S17 is home sick today so I am juggling slightly, but I need to get my head together again. I was doing so well and one minor slip really messed with my head.
Having a down day and trying very hard to keep my footing. I need to shake off the pity party, recognize this for what it is and continue to move forward. Some days are just tougher than others. I think I will take some time and respond to others for a bit. Sometimes giving back is the most helpful thing I can do for myself, and takes my mind off of things.
I think that's a GREAT idea, Autumn. I always do better when I'm helping someone else.
Also, GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to have a bad day. Sometimes, people throw so many "You're doing GREAT!"s and "You are SO STRONG!"s at you, that you begin to think you're impervious to the incredible emotional strain you're under right now.
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Good morning!! Thank you for your message last night MF, it did make me laugh
I feel stronger this morning and feel like I am getting my focus back again. I am glad to have that behind me now, and hope the down days are further between. I much prefer the good days
H has still been on his best behavior still. Yesterday he was getting frustrated with me that I wasn't answering his calls and only answering important texts. He made a comment "you are ignoring me" and I simply responded "i have been so busy" and moved on.
He's making it so incredibly hard to remain dark. I almost feel like I need to have a talk with him about boundaries. He says that he knows what he did was incredibly wrong, and he hopes that someday I can forgive him. He isn't looking for a quick/simple fix. But then he wants to act like everything is ok, and I think he is hoping that eventually I will just fall in line and be ok.
I'm not mind reading, this has been our pattern for years, sadly.
S17 is much better today. He actually went to work last night and is back in school today. It had to be a 24 hour bug, because I was better that quickly also. Thankfully S15 is healthy so far. He's not home enough to share the germs