Husband left me...feel hopeless

[hopingandpraying]

H is away this weekend and it makes me sad because this was a trip that we talked about 6 months ago (the same time we were talking about having kids in the near future). I just want him so close right now and he just is so far away.

I can't really complain because I am going on my own trip starting Sunday and he's will be at our house. I hoping and praying that maybe this trip and staying at our house will be an eye-opener for him, but if not, then "it is what it is."

[Accuray]

I really hope you have a nice trip, try to enjoy yourself. It is not a good idea to expect that this trip will be an eye-opener for H. Things will not happen on your schedule and it will take longer than you would like. You might have to go dark for 4 months or more before he opens his eyes.

The problem with hope is that it leads to expectations. Expectations lead to anticipation. When the expectations are not met, we feel devastated, and that leads us to panic and/or pursue.

Think of it like a broken bone or an illness, it just takes time to heal, and talking, wanting and hoping don't make it go any faster.

I don't know if I told you this or not, but the way you're feeling is because of your loss of control. It is because you cannot "make" H come back to you that you feel like you want him so badly. If he were back and committed, you wouldn't feel this passionately about him, in fact, things about him would probably annoy you that you've forgotten about. Feeling more in control = less passion. Feeling less control = more passion.

So what can you do?

You can treat this "control deficiency" by doing things that restore your feeling of control. That can be by putting together a schedule of GAL activities and managing to it, or better yet, take on something where you can chart and observe progress. Working out, losing weight, learning an instrument, all of these things allow you to chart where you are when you start, and then check in every couple weeks and actually SEE your progress. This will make you feel in control of yourself, and will balance out the feelings that your situation with H is causing.

You're like a board leaning on a brick right now. If the brick gets yanked you're going to land on your face. You need to start cranking that board back upright so that it's not leaning on anything. (Maybe that was a crappy analogy, but you get it)

Accuray

[hopingandpraying]

I understand that hoping leads to expectations and the loss of control analogy, but I feel like I need to hang onto some kind of hope to keep me going at times. Because a lot of the time, I just want to throw in the towel because I feel I deserve someone who is going to love me all the time and not question his feelings. I don't think I could have this go on for 4 months, with no sign of progress in our R...

It's funny because there really wasn't much that annoyed me about my H. I felt like we were always best friends and balanced each other out well. Clearly, that is not what he was thinking.

I understand that I cannot 'make' him come back to me and yes, that bugs me like crazy. I just really don't know how long I can take this limbo...I know it's only been 6 weeks, but 6 weeks is long in my book when we've never taken a break in our R, even when we were dating!

Thank you for your reminders and input. I appreciate them! It keeps me thinking and on track!!!

[Sad in WI]

Hoping,

My W dropped the D bomb on me back on 2/29 (at least I will only have to live that day every few years.) Being in Limbo [censored] and it is only natural to hope which leads to expectations - Accuray said it much better than I could. I can feel for you though since this is the first time W had a blow up and we were not yet working on reconciliation.

I have chosen to simply take things one day at a time and try to live me life the best that I can. My kids are young so I can devote alot time to then during the day and then do some GAL time.

SIW

[Accuray]

I feel I deserve someone who is going to love me all the time and not question his feelings.

There is no question that we all want this. In order to get that, we have to work for it (i.e. "The Five Love Languages"). I have no doubt that you deserve it.

I don't think I could have this go on for 4 months, with no sign of progress in our R...

We all have a point where we decide to stop trying -- and that's OK. You can either decide up front how long you're willing to live like this, or go day by day or week by week and occasionally re-evaluate.

In terms of how long you can take it, I can offer this:

1) People cope very well, it's one of the things that people do the best

2) You are stronger than you think

3) It gets easier as time passes and you begin to accept what is your new reality. Time is your friend.

You are a good person -- even if this doesn't work out, you will find love and happiness in your life. To the degree you can work on your own issues, understanding of what long term relationships take, etc., you can further ensure your success. You will come out of this much more savvy than the average 27 year-old (or 45 year old for that matter), but better prepared to have a happy marriage, and much more realistic about what it takes.

--Accuray

[hopingandpraying]

Thanks Accuray!

I know I'm strong, because I feel like it would be easier to walk away just as he is doing. I've carried on for 6 weeks and it's been horrible but I've made it! I've just seen no progress so that's making me think we won't make it and it tears me apart inside.

[25yearsmlc]

6 weeks...

come on, you have only begun the fight. See my signature block below and my timeline? Okay...I'm not saying you MUST stick it out for 2 years.

I had children at home including a d in high school, so for me, 2 years was the internal timeline I had set so she could finish high school without too much upheaval.

You may come to a time when you choose to quit working on this, or to believe that the battle has been lost...but that's NOT today. Not 6 weeks into it. This isn't a diet.

Start giving yourself an internal timeline that is more realistic but makes you feel that you won't be in limbo forever. See if you can do it in, say, 90 day increments and then another one, and so forth...(though I think 6 months is more realistic. I've read somewhere that for every year of the r, you have to show change for a month. So that would be 8 months for you, right?)

it gets easier. You'll know not to even bother monitoring for results (unless they are obvious-then take note!) until enough time has passed for him to notice.

this is the "math" of it-

consistent change + sufficient time = changes he can believe in.

The way he'll return to the marriage and work to restore it

is if he believes that marriage to you from this day forward

can be better/different than before.

What are YOU doing to show that?


As for what HE needs to work on...that comes much later.

You are posting here to get help to save your marriage.

He is NOT here

so the only person we can help you with is YOU,

but the good news is that you are in charge of you. And only you.

Keep posting and hang in there.

[hopingandpraying]

Thanks 25 for commenting on my stitch. I know 6 weeks is a short time in comparison to others and your equation for success makes perfect sense!

I guess I'm just having a hard time finding things to work on for myself to help myself and our R because I don't even know what his complaints are. I have always been active in groups and have strived to make all my goals. I did start taking a Zumba class and am thinking about joining a gym...that would be a 180 for me, which would benefit my health and my H loves to work out, so he could see that as a positive.

I just don't understand how he's going to see change if we are not communicating or see each other at all. I have not talked to him in a week (including texting) and we have not seen each other in two weeks. How can he see these changes if we're not communicating?

I know in our M, for the past year, he knows that I do not completely trust him because he had a VERY short EA with a girl from work. Now, this past time when we separated he had a PA with a girl a week after we separated. I'm not sure if I can come back from those things and trust him, but I don't think I'll know unless I see changes in him. I'm just so confused!

[hopingandpraying]

So I'm on my own getaway trip now and h will stay at the house with the dog. It will be the first time hes spent the night there in 6 weeks. We will see hoe this all goes...no expectations.

[hopeless in wa]

I understand the frustration of never having contact. I've seen h. a handful of times since sep. 1/12/12. After I move out in a couple weeks, since we don't have kids together, I don't know how we will even have contact. He did says he wants to stay friends, does that mean periodic outings with each other? Who knows. Especially now when we are getting into the nitty, gritty of property settlement.