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Okay, so I don't know really where to start because I feel like we have a long history, but I'll try to keep this short, so I can get responses of words of wisdom.

My H and I have been together for 8 years and have been married for 5 1/2. The first 3 years of our relationship was long distance because he was in the Marines. He deployed 2x to Iraq and got out of the Marines 3 years ago. Ever since he has been out, he has been distant from life. Nothing is ever good enough for him and he always wants more.

About a year and a half ago, he came home one day and said he didn't love me anymore and that our relationship was over. I said "No, we're married and we have to fight for this." I was not taking no for an answer because I didn't even know he had these feelings. We worked on things and went to a marriage counselor for 3 months. After three months, he seemed to have a new out look on life and knew he wanted me in his life. The past year has been a year of trying to earn my trust back because I had this feeling that he was going to do this again, because he never actually sought happiness for himself. He was only trying to please me. He assured me in many emails and in person that his feelings were true and that he wanted me in his future. He even explained his wanting to leave as an overload and a form of killing himself because he was just done with everything in his life.

Then, last Friday, he said this to me again, but this time we have decided to separate. I am devastated and don't really know what to do. He is going to find a place for the time being. I told him that he needed to seek professional help, that I would seek help, and that we needed help together. He agreed, but has not spoken to me over the phone....just emails.

I guess I just want to know if there are couples out there who have gone through this...that their partner has said the feelings have been gone for awhile and that they don't see the other one in their future. Does it come back??

Thanks! frown


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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Originally Posted By: stephanie111

I guess I just want to know if there are couples out there who have gone through this...that their partner has said the feelings have been gone for awhile and that they don't see the other one in their future. Does it come back??
Welcome to the board.

Yes it can come back but not on your time frame.
You can have no EXPECTATIONS
Get the DR book and read it.
He is asking for SPACE, give it to him.
Get out and GAL.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Thank you for your insight. I have bought the book and have begun reading it. I have not contacted him...only respond to his contacts, but it is soooo hard! I just can't understand after 8 years how this can happen when I didn't think anything this major was going on.

Any other words of wisdom out there?


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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Posts: 2,906
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^^^^


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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I see some similarities to your sitch and mine... you're not alone. I'm a Navy wife, so I understand the challenges that a military lifestyle can present. There is lost of hope and encouragement on these boards, reach out on here and to other's threads, you never know what bit of information will help.

Check out these members: oneeleven, 31andheartbroken & purgatory (we all are married to the military and are currently in similar sitchs.) 25yearsMLC & Destinyunknown (both military as well who have reconciled their Ms.)
BklnMom, nhmom, veraprado, keep_going, barely floating, labug are also great threads to read. Even though none of them have reconciled their M, yet, you will read some inspiring stories and see some very strong woman- reach out to them.

Since *you* are the one that came to this website, *you* are the one we will focus on. What have you been doing to GAL? What do you think needs to change in order to be able to work on the M?

The following list is credited to Sandi2- another wise elder on these boards, who successfully reconciled her M with DB efforts. Most of us have copied this list and refer to it OFTEN... especially when we are at our lowest. Most of this seems counter-intuitive, but that's the point. Our instincts are controlled my our emotions, this list is designed to help us *act* rationally instead of *re-acting* irrationally. Find a seat and make sure your safety bar is tight a secure, this roller coaster gets pretty rough and is going to last a while

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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Thank you very much for this guidance. I did just finish DR and am going to read DB. I really just don't know what is so wrong in our relationship and before he left, he could name nothing either, so that is why I am so confused.

I have not called or texted him in about a week (he just moved out a week ago). At first I was doing those things...calling, telling him that this is not right, blah blah blah (for the first day), but I immediately stopped that and only contact him through email if he contacts me first. He has taken steps, even in this past week for himself, such as going to the doctor for medication and is seeing a therapist (I believe) tomorrow.

I know I need to be patient and do things for myself, but it is incredibly hard. Before this happened, I did things for myself and knew who I was, so it's kind of hard to GAL when I already had one!

Anyone out there who has been separated for more than a week and has seen sides of great improvement??


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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Posts: 283
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Okay, so I, or should I say we, saw our Divorce Busting coach this past Saturday for the first time and I feel like it went well. I didn't really learn anything new about the situation, but it felt good to see my husband (who I haven't seen in two weeks). Of course, her advice was to do the LRT, which is the hardest thing ever!!! In the past two weeks, I have only contacted my husband maybe 3 times regarding the dog. Then, when we went Saturday, she said I needed to stop completely which AGAIN is soooo HARD!!! I was good until....today! My H let the dog out but did not leave me a note if she ate or not, so I texted him asking about the dog. He said he did feed her and that was it. I was so mad at myself though for texting him, because I have gone three days without it, which is good for me (believe it or not!). However, I then proceeded to tell him I received Teacher of the Month from my network and he said congrats. I didn't want to share this with him, but it is habit!

Bottom line, I am just having a hard time completely withdrawing myself from him. I don't know what to do...


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Stephanie,

Your DB coach is right -- space is the key. Don't beat yourself up when you backslide. This is a man who you counted on for support for years so it's natural to pursue him now. Not doing so is unnatural. Accept that, you will make mistakes. The important thing is to pick yourself back up and keep sticking to the plan.

When this happens, you desperately want everything to be better *now*. As Cadet said, it *will* get better, just not on your timeframe. Ironically, the more patient you can be, the faster things will improve. The more you pursue and push, the longer it will take. It's like planting a bulb in the ground. If you sit there staring at it, it feels like it will never sprout. If you can forget about it, the next time you notice you've got a flower. You MUST back off and give space. It is the hardest but best thing you can do. Repeat that there is NOTHING you can do or say to convince H to come back. Pursuing will only drive him farther away.

I've used this analogy before. Pretend there is a big foam block between you and H. That's the distance he wants. If you try to get closer, you compress the block and it pushes him farther away. The farther you push him, the farther he will have to come back later. If, on the other hand, you step AWAY from him, the foam block falls on the ground, and he can come back TOWARD you before the block starts exerting pressure again. That's what you want, you want to make it safe for him to take a step toward you by INCREASING the distance between you.

If you want something to work on, try this -- you will be benefited if H does NOT know what you're up to. The more mystery you can create, and the more fun you can be having (at least by appearance), the better off your situation will be. Do NOT show H your cards, keep them to yourself. Don't volunteer what you're thinking or what you're doing. Make him wonder. Appear to be fine. This will NOT reinforce his decision to leave, it will make him wonder why you're fine, and that will pull him back.

If you make him resent you by being depressed, sad, etc., he'll avoid you. He doesn't want to be responsible for your feelings right now. That is a terrible reality, but that's what happens in these situations.

Finally, your brief description of your relationship above reminds me of a book I just read called "The Passion Trap". It describes a relationship dynamic where one person is "one up" in the relationship, and the other is "one down". The person who is "one down" is the one who wants the relationship more, and therefore tends to pursue the other one, gets jealous, feels needy and insecure etc. etc. The person who is "one up" feels trapped by the other person, feels responsible for their happiness, and generally feels oppressed by them. It's a painful cycle for both parties. Do you see that dynamic in your longer term relationship? If so, which side were you?

Anything else you can tell us about what was going on longer term? Most relationships fall into patterns of trouble that tend to repeat themselves over and over. Have you identified what yours was? Did H have historic complaints about the relationship? What were they? Note that anything he's complaining about now is most likely B.S. When a spouse walks away, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.

Keep posting. The more you can tell us, the more we can help.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Hi,

Thank you so much for the insight and comparisons! It is completely hard and I do feel lost.

As for our history, he has never really complained about our relationship or why he's sad. He's the type of person who always NEEDS something new happening in his life. He is never completely satisfied with life and is always looking for the next high. I have always tried to be the upbeat happy one and keep him happy, but for this past year, he has been that for me and it's been tough. I guess I lost that "happy go lucky girl" this past year and he did make mention to that, but I still tried to be that person even though I was sad inside. I was sad inside because life overflowed for him a year and a half ago (same type of situation). He said that he was bored with the routine of his life and felt like he needed more in it and just wanted to start his whole life over. We worked through his "quarter life crisis" as we called it and started moving forward this past year. He, however, thought we did not make enough improvement and then did this again three weeks ago.

When we went to the DB coach, the only complaint he had about our relationship was that I don't get along with his family as well as I used to....and that was it!!! He said he had no other complaints about our relationship...just that he has no feelings left for me.

I'm really trying to give him his space and texted him last night to say not to worry about the dog and that I would make arrangements for her until I am done with the school year. He texted back "Why is that?" I simply said that I wanted him to focus on himself and that I didn't want to be a bother to him.

Ugghhh I hate this!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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So it sounds to me like you've had to work pretty hard on this relationship all along. In your words, you've had to "keep him happy" (versus enjoying happiness with him). H needs lots of stimulation, change, challenge etc. and you've had to step it up to keep things interesting.

Then, a year and a half ago he gave you the ILYBINILWY speech. You did 3 months of MC, and things seemed to be better for him, but you did not feel safe -- you were worried he might do it again, right?

Originally Posted By: Stephanie111
The past year has been a year of trying to earn my trust back because I had this feeling that he was going to do this again, because he never actually sought happiness for himself


What does that mean? Can you explain that more? How was he trying to earn your trust back? What did that look like and how were you feeling during that time? How were the two of you acting during this phase?

Originally Posted By: Stephanie111
He, however, thought we did not make enough improvement and then did this again three weeks ago.


Did what again, told you he doesn't love you, or said that he needed to escape his life?

Originally Posted By: Stephanie111
I simply said that I wanted him to focus on himself and that I didn't want to be a bother to him.


When you say things like that you're putting yourself in a "one down" position -- that is a statement of low value. If you want H to be interested in coming back, you need to appear to be high-value, something worth pursuing and fighting for.

Does that make sense?

Do not make any "feeling sorry for myself" or passive aggressive low value statements. Don't reinforce that positioning.

You need to come around to this way of thinking -- you're hot! You're a good catch, many men would be lucky to have you! You are fun to be around. You are not easily won. If H needs something new happening, he likes to pursue. He likes to be kept on his toes. He wants something to live for.

Here's your blueprint for success:

1) Detach: Do not pursue him at all, give him all the space he wants. Realize that NOTHING you say is going to change his mind. There is no way to appeal his decision. You have to let that go.

2) Rebuild: Focus on yourself. How can you get your self-confidence back? How can you become the person you want to be? What long term goals have you been putting off that you can now pursue? Anything you can do that has short term goals or milestones where you can measure your progress are going to make you feel better. This could be learning an instrument, losing weight, getting in shape -- basically you want something that's going to allow you to measure your progress each week. Convince yourself that you are high value.

3) Be Mysterious: Do not tell H what you are thinking, feeling, etc. Make plans and don't tell H what you're doing. If he calls you and there is music and good times going on behind you, that's what you want. Buy some new clothes, change your hair style, do things that H would not expect.

Recognize that you are hurting really badly right now. What can you do to get support with that that does not involve H? Tell me about the support network you have.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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