Tad's Overdue Update

[AJM]

Ah. Working from home - Hope that you like that a lot. Has a lot of great benefits.

Sounds like you are getting healthy, Tad. Well on your way.

I recommend you consider not talking to her if at all possible. Even texts. Kind of prolongs things. She is still trying to figure things out but is way behind you in all of it.

I would also be suspicious of "friendly" just for the record

Go get 'em Tiger. Hope it's a great job!

AJ

[Kimmerz]

Hey Tad,
I just wanted to congratulate you on your new job! That sounds wonderful!

I've looked into things like that, but they're kinda rare in my parts. I hope you like it and don't feel too tied down after a while. I always wondered if I would go stir crazy working at home and on the phone all day.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you. Just thought that I would come and vent/update/journal a little bit.

AJ, I got your message on the alt. I am ok my friend and I really think that I am going to love the new job. I love working from home too. The job is much easier on my knees and my gas tank!

I'm ok for the most part, but still have the downer moments. For example: XW told S17 today that she is going to New York in a couple of weeks to visit her parents. What did I do? I assumed the worst. I assumed that she is taking OM with her to meet her parents. Of course, I don't know if this is fact. I just assume it for some reason. Am I detached? Obviously not enough yet.

A couple of days ago I was thinking about how much my life has changed in the last 18 months. I've got HER to thank for it. I had to borrow 11 dollars from S19's GF the other day just to pay my rent. I did not ask for this. None of us did and it blows. I also found myself thinking how glad I am that I am not her. I don't want her misery and I could not live with myself after the pain that I caused everyone. I couldn't live with the guilt. I don't think she is feeling it yet, but if she isn't, she will someday I'm sure. I also can't wait for her to realize that the grass is not greener.

I've also kind of reverted back to the ways when I was younger. I've noticed and my S19 and S17 have commented on it too. When I was married and had my radio career, I was living large...the life of the party. I was Mr. Popular....a celebrity in my hometown. Life was good. I wasn't always like that though. Growing up and into my late teens, I was very shy and liked to keep to myself. I guess I was kind of a loner. It's just the way that I was. When I met W and got into radio, that all changed. That is when I became larger than life. Now, I'm back to being a loner. I look back at the life I had and how happy I was and it seems like such a long time ago.

Sorry for the rant.

Tad

[ericmsant2]

I don't think she is feeling it yet, but if she isn't, she will someday I'm sure

Be sure of it brother.....she will. Not sure when, but it will happen. Then again, this should not be your concern - you should be more concerned with you and your life. Leave her to hers.

Peace
Eric

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Eric I agree.

Had a brief text exchange with XW tonight. She had written a letter to me and gave it to S17 to give to me. He gave it to me this evening once we got back to my place. It was a bunch of legal crap expressing her "parenting time rights." It wasn't angry but very business like. When I read it, I sent her the following:

M: "I got your letter. Please stop using S17 as a messenger."

XW: "I didn't. I was planning on giving you the letter but S17 offered to give it to you. I thought it would be best since the last time we talked, you were angry. He does not need the stress. I would love to have a nice conversation with you, but you just can't seem to do it."

The question is:

What do I do about this:

"I would love to have a nice conversation with you, but you just can't seem to do it."

Tad

[AJM]

Hey Tad. What do you want? Want to have a conversation with her? Can you do that without lots of negative emotion?

If not, then I would recommend telling her you are not ready to have a conversation with her. If you are and want to, then you can suggest a place to have it. But only if you want to and can.

AJ

[AntoniaB]

"I would love to have a nice conversation with you, but you just can't seem to do it."

Alright, well, she's challenging you to act the way she wants you to act "or else."

So, if the XW starts uttering "challenges", it's probably best to just ignore her. She's setting you up. She's already decided that YOU are the problem, not her. You can't possibly diffuse that situation if you walk into it.

I'd say that any kind of parental agreement stuff, if it's anything that goes off the original legal agreements, needs to go back to taking place with lawyers and not face-to-face (whether that's in person or face-to-face) as long as she's making statements like that.

[AntoniaB]

LOL "in person or face-to-face", I MEANT to say "in person or via text/email". Chalk that up to the second glass of red wine tonight ;-)

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ and Antonia.

I just about laughed out loud today. The letter that she wrote on Sunday and gave S17 to give to me, also arrived in the mail today. So that means that she wrote it, I told her that I received it and then she goes to the Post Office and mails it to me even after knowing that I received it.

She's a nut job.

Antonia, I've really missed you.



Tad

[25yearsmlc]

First, congrats on the new job!!!

Thank you. Just thought that I would come and vent/update/journal a little bit.

AJ, I got your message on the alt. I am ok my friend and I really think that I am going to love the new job. I love working from home too. The job is much easier on my knees and my gas tank!

That's good to hear! Is there any way for you to meet new people via the job? I think that is ONE advantage to working at an office or away from home--also gets you out of the house which I think is particularly important for you...


I'm ok for the most part, but still have the downer moments. For example: XW told S17 today

STOP!! WHO CARES????

Dear God, Tad...AGAIN????? YOUR MOOD AND HAPPINESS RELY TOTALLY ON WHAT YOUR FORMER WIFE SAYS OR DOES - ON A DAILY BASIS..

when are you going to stop allowing the poison to keep poisoning you?

Take the antidote and detach!...

Good Lord Tad...if this journey were a football field

I think you MAYBE got one first down...for your sake, your son's sake (and for MY sake...)

MOVE FORWARD...


that she is going to New York in a couple of weeks to visit her parents. What did I do? I assumed the worst. I assumed that she is taking OM with her to meet her parents. Of course, I don't know if this is fact. I just assume it for some reason. Am I detached? Obviously not enough yet.


um, no offense Tad, but are you detached at all? I'm not being mean here, I'm really asking you.

Where is ANY detachment? Can you give an example? Your apparent ability to go a few days not calling her to tell her how you feel--after all these months/years, of her treating you like crap, is THAT an example of your detachment?

IMO it's NOT...it's just a tiny amount of awareness of what it feels like to touch a hot stove...it hurts. You learned that so you don't do it...AS MUCH --- but you do still do it...& any of it, is too much

A couple of days ago I was thinking about how much my life has changed in the last 18 months. I've got HER to thank for it. I had to borrow 11 dollars from S19's GF the other day just to pay my rent. I did not ask for this. None of us did and it blows.


WE KNOW TAD! We know b/c you've said this 100 times or more. It's more of the victim victim self pity self pity experience and rant...but enough.

It isn't helping YOU.

Venting only "helps" when it keeps you from venting to others in your real life

but if you come here and vent and vent, you are simply staying stuck & repeating yourself. Asking if you two could be friends and wondering if that might mean SHE'D think you were okay with her behavior...really Tad?

You think if you two ever become civil, she won't know you were crushed? That's a myth a lot of LBSers tell themselves b/c they don't want to be happy or act happy, They want the WAS to see their pain...never realizing how UNattractive it is'

and thnking that if they hold onto their pain to make the other person "get it" or regret it'

it's like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes...

AND YET in the next breath, you hold onto the idea of a reconciliation

but you won't be civil to her b/c you don't think she "deserves" your friendship (which is true, but that's not my point here)

and you feel you did not deserve her leaving you and so ....who deserves what - is your focus...what a waste.

TAD-I won't read my journals from 2005 again b/c they make me mad all over again. So why "vent" Again?

It's like reliving the trauma and re-hashing the past "injustice of it all"...which is what you are doing again. It's not helping you. It's keeping you stuck.

And for the record--

This divorce was not the worst thing in the universe - NO it was not...

You still seem to be in the "what happened? I"m reeling!" phase

but that is NOT an indication of how great your marriage was or how in love you must have been. IT's just an indication of how slowly you are handling the setback we have all been thru.

So adapt!

I am truly Sorry Tad, but here is a reminder for you that maybe a tiny 2 x 4 but

if it is a 2 x 4 - I really believe you need to hear it...

and it's true and it is about some perspective which you lack.


My 42 y/o neighbor, dear friend & mother of four chilren (age 7 to age 14) dropped dead 3 1/2 years ago in the middle of the night (brain aneurysm). IT was a complete shock and we were just sick w/grief.

Her h was devastated. The "floor" of his life was gone from underneath him. She was the center of that family and a very active mother--PTA, Halloween dressing up, hosting the neighborhood meetings and bbq's, and she happened to be tall & striking looking and athletic and very funny...often the life of the party. There was/is a GAPING hole there.

Though a lot of people would claim this, after the fact, they truly did have a wonderful marriage, so it was even harder to see that much grief hitting such a good man, and wounding such young children so deeply that you wonder if they'll ever get past it.

They looked as if they'd been terribly frightened of something only a minute earlier...for 2 years

So after 2 years of putting all his energy into his children, the widower decided to begin dating. He met a lovely woman his age, and they dated carefully with a lot of thought about her, their children and how to cautiously but optimistically move forward.

They took a class together in something neither had studied before (ballroom dancing) to see how they'd "problem solve together", whether the chemistry was there and would last, and if they felt safe enough to meet the children.

After 10 lessons (= 10 weeks) they would decide if they'd meet the kids and pursue the r. They did and after 18 months of dating... Near Valentine's they got engaged ...

and then last month - his youngest daughter was diagnosed with acute leukemia...her first round of chemo did NOT go well so her odds of beating this went down to just "fair" instead of "pretty good"...but her attitude is excellent

Tad-- How has this man handled yet another undeserved knife to the heart? Well first, he has not uttered a single word of complaint. He focusses on the positive.

HE acts quickly and decisively -to do what is best for his d and other kids, and he is calls in for logistical help from neighbors and relatives to help the other kids get thru their schoolwork while he helps his d get thru the chemo, AND he earns money AND he continues to court his fiancee.

He does not "give up" or keep talking about how unfair it all is THOUGH IT IS ALL UNFAIR...

Tad, that man has problems he did not deserve. So did his wife. And so does his young daughter.

but you know what? He's a much happier man than you are and so is his cancer riddled d...

Learn from this^^^^ man & child. It's a valuabe life lesson. It's one of THE life lessons we all need....it's gratitude and joy in the simple.

Yes, You had something unfair happen to you, like EVERY SINGLE PERSON HERE ...but it's not "Africa unfair"...

Were you born in a war torn country where the neighboring tribe killed your family and is hunting you down now?

IF not, read "What is the what?" for a TRUE story about life in Sudan...

Were you being married off to a man twice your age, in a foreign country, b/c your father got money? Did you have a forced surgery to mutilate you so you would never enjoy sex? If not, read "The Caged Virgin" and understand that millions of women live with some or both of these atrocities in their lives...

I could go on, but I think I've made the point (though I've made it before and yet, here we are).

You need to GAL and DETACH but for YOUR GAL

try volunteering at a shelter for the homeless of the mentally ill...


get some perspective on how grateful you could be and how happy you could be if you simply chose to be...

I also found myself thinking how glad I am that I am not her. I don't want her misery and I could not live with myself after the pain that I caused everyone. I couldn't live with the guilt. I don't think she is feeling it yet, but if she isn't, she will someday I'm sure. I also can't wait for her to realize that the grass is [b]not greener.[/b]

gee, will you be happy THEN? But OMG ---what if she is happier without you?? Will you have to be miserable

b/c it's not "even"??? Lose the scorecard! There is no "getting even"

there is no "winning" if you are measuring (despite what Charlie Sheen says)

There is just moving forward, creating a happy fulfilling & interesting life for YOU.

THAT^^ is "winning" for real.

You dont' bother looking in the rearview mirror to "check" on her or whether she has learned the lesson YOU think she "ought" to learn.

You have lessons to learn yourself! - but since you keep your focus on her, you don't learn them. AND

That holds you back near the 20 yard line, where you got the one first down, in this LONG game...

The longer you hold onto your notion of fairness or justice or wait for HER to "get it"----the more you'll stay glued to what you think is her thought process and the more you will REACT "accordingly" to

HER happiness/misery level, to which you are attached - like a Siamese twin...



I've also kind of reverted back to the ways when I was younger. I've noticed and my S19 and S17 have commented on it too.

When I was married and had my radio career, I was living large...the life of the party. I was Mr. Popular....a celebrity in my hometown. Life was good. I wasn't always like that though. Growing up and into my late teens, I was very shy and liked to keep to myself. I guess I was kind of a loner. It's just the way that I was. When I met W and got into radio, that all changed. That is when I became larger than life. Now, I'm back to being a loner. I look back at the life I had and how happy I was and it seems like such a long time ago.

Sorry for the rant.

Tad

While I am sure you were happier then, than now, (b/c you are morose now and I hope you were not like that before)

but I don't buy that you were so happy OR that it was all or even mainly due to her. Nope, I don't buy it. Read your own words.

You had a radio career you loved, you had enough Or good money-living large, you were a "celebrity" in your hometown...you had your music and you loved it...
THOSE things help one feel happy. Don't revise history now to enlarge your sense of loss. This is NOT okay Tad. You've been in the land of make believe too long now.

You COULD have some or all of the "before life" back - but you'd rather blame your w for your unhappiness

and say that you will now "revert" b/c you "HAVE" to be a loner again b/c she rescued you from yourself...?? and God forbid you get out of your comfort zone and do something NEW and different and challenging, for more than week...

better to retreat/revert to what you claim you had, which was miserable...???

Hey, decide if your only route to happiness, comes from being m to the wife you once had but who, imo, may as well have died...making you a widower.


I see my friend the widower a lot. They really were happily married and he lost his wife very suddenly & thru no fault of his own, and now may lose a child. He had no warning or time to adjust. He simply HAD to man up b/c he had other children...(oh wait, so do you)

but here you sit saying you are "reverting" to your "before I met w and felt happiness"... what if my friend did that? "Sorry kids but your mom died and so, I'm going to check out now and stop trying...see ya in the next life!"

I don't buy it! You say you were depressed before you met your w and ONLY SHE "made" you happy? You were never happy before she came along?

why did she fall in love with you if you were so miserable?

So your "celebrity" status and job that you loved and having music in your life and having money--NONE of that helped you feel happy?

ONLY YOUR W..um...hey, I call BS...you are revising your marital history as much as your ex wife does, and for the same reasons...[u]

***SHe wants to justify how she feels and so you do too. She wants to stay stuck in her anger and YOU want to stay stuck in your victimhood and sense of loss***.
[/u]
Stop this lying to yourself. It's unhealthy and it's untrue and it's SO NOT HELPING YOU.

I read to that little girl w/cancer today b/c she can't read when her pain level is too high.

So, excuse me for the 2 x 4 but after being with her, seeing her upbeat father smiling and hugging her and THANKING GOD that she "had a good day"

I swear I want to reach thru thet computer and shake you a bit.

You have got to pick yourself up and as YOU said, "man up".

You have sons!!! Think about THEM!!

They need a strong man, not a life long co-dependent doormat/needy "victim" - which is what you will be

if you continue on this path of choosing to "attach all your happiness to batchit crazy/nasty, FORMER w" ...

get off that path. It sukks for all concerned.