Tad's Overdue Update

[AJM]

In some ways, death of a loved one is easier than them walking away after many years together. Because you don't have to interact with them after they are physically dead. You don't have dead people making false accusations and saying crazy stuff about and to you, or to your kids. You don't interact at all if they are physically dead.

That's the key, Tad. Your ex is "dead", or at least the one you knew is "dead". It's hard to see that because you still interact.

25 makes a good point and gives you something to think about so you don't stay stuck grieving and not living. That would be a tragedy for a you to be analyzing this for the rest of your life and always looking back. I know you are still grieving and figuring out who you are without her, but you can't stay that way forever Tad. It's not healthy nor fair to you and your boys.

You don't control her decisions. You do control yours. You do control when you say enough is enough and heal yourself. You do control when you accept that your ex is "dead" and was replaced by something else that looks like her and sounds like her (in some ways). You do control when you have had enough. When you stand up for yourself and take responsibility for you and you alone (and your boys).

You can also see from 25's post that life is short and can be worse than anything you've faced so far. Life is short, stop looking back and start being the man you want to be. Start demanding the respect from others that you deserve. Start living the way you want to live. You are coming out of the initial shell shock and are starting to regroup. Continue that. Continue to figure out what really makes you happy without the "dead" haunting you. Tune that out. You can't control that aspect and you need to let it go sooner than later.

Venting? I'm all for it. But time to take the work further, Tad. We all need to do that and to realize we alone control our decisions and nobody else's. We control our reactions to those decisions and actions.

Keep moving Tad. Things are starting to go your way because you have made it that way. Keep moving.
Peace,
AJ

[25yearsmlc]

Tad

sorry if my post seemed too harsh. I don't know how to reach you. And I really have spent some time with the neighbor's family, and I can't help but feel frustrated at your choice to stay so miserable.

It strikes me as a bit self indulgent.

You have sons Who want to learn from you, but are young enough to have expecations and admiration for you--that can change--

how they MUST be so frightened by how weakened you choose to be.

And I swear to you - after what I have seen here w/my neighbor

(and my brother in law who had a brain tumor at age 32 and died 11 years later b/c he never gave up and perhaps b/c he wsa British, he never complained about the unfairness of it either. I swear, NOT ONCE did he complain-- I said that at his funeral too...geez **No wonder the Naziis couldn't break the Brit's will, those people love life and they are stoic)

Other things I've seen in real life- show me that you are making the choice to stay stuck and sad...yes it IS A CHOICE YOU are making.

The venting? AJ has a point about its' potential value, I've done it and it CAN help... but how's it helping YOU?

If all you do with the venting is VENT, and NOT do YOUR OWN PERSONAL WORK, you just stay stuck in the "Why me?" And the blame game, so it just reinforces staying stuck. At this stage - you need to ONLY be working on you b/c your FORMER wife is a "lost" cause or simply somone not in your life. She's done...and

imo--The true purpose of venting is only to keep you from "venting elsewhere" ---Like snapping at your kids or your boss and hurting YOU...

or calling your former wife;...venting is the alternative to drunk dialing and other more self destructive acts.

Note I said "Former wife"...that's right--b/c she's NOT your wife SOOOO

NONE of what she does now, with OM or w/her money or what she says

matters at all. [u] NONE OF IT .[/u] Not your business at all...

She may as well live in another city, b/c she is not in your life now.

MOVE FORWARD, drop the rope...expect nothing from her but odd nastiness.

And stop wondering "why why why??? or HOW did it all happen? How could she love me then and not now?" USELESS questions with no answers that keep you stuck some more...AND OR bring you more pain but mostly they are indulgent b/c you KNOW you want reassurance that does not exist. You want us to comfort but you need to learn how to do that for yourself...self soothe. Affirm yourself, pick yourself up, etc.

I told you about the cancer camp I went to with kids who USED to ask God why they were sick - but they finally accepted that they just were sick and

they had to enjoy their time left. AND THEY DID... Same for my neighbor's child...a

She's not stuck asking the same questions...I believe she literally got thru that in a WEEK...maybe 2...she's a kid.

you are still asking the same darn questions you asked when you first got here.

YES TAD, it's sad but true.

You do ask them less often, but sometimes I think that is b/c you are aware enough to censor your words here -

but I have the feeling you still ask yourself or those around you the same questions you did back then...

Make new choices, and live a better life, by choice.

I keep going back to your sons b/c I hope that down deep somewhere inside you, that your love for them will help you snap out of this.

Your X wife knows where to find you and how to reach you ---if she ever goes back to normal & wants to reconcile. For now, she does NOT...accept that and don't ask why b/c it does not matter.]

If you blew it and did something really wrong in your m, you won't discover that by playing the victim & blaming her STILL....

and IF you did not blow it and if you really were a great h, then she matters even less now.


You need almost NO contact with her and almost no interactions. So you can heal if you want.

The real question to me is, do you want to heal? I truly can't tell.

I hope so.

(((( ))))

[WenikiTiki]

Hey TAD!

I am always so impressed with the wisdom of people on here. What 25 says always is right on target. I go read her posts to other people to keep myself semi-sane.

I hope you can do what she says. I see alot on myself in your situation. I feel stuck, even as I make movement.

I don't want to be a casuality of this anymore, I want my own beautiful life. And I am going to get it, if I have to crawl up that trail on my belly sweating blood.

You can do it!

Aloha,

Wendy

PS 25 will you write a book, please?

[whitneypinch]

So well said WenikiTiki !

I too watch this post for when real nuggets of wisdom come along.

I have a different situation. My XW wants us all to be buddies like nothing has happened. It's an "ok" situation but I still find it difficult and still get triggered in a negative way. Sometimes the nicer she is to me the more resentful I get.

Anyway, 25 thanks so much for what you have written ! It helps a lot of people.

[tadpole1025]

Just a quick response because I have to hit the sack. 25, yes your posts are harsh, but I think it is always what I need. Don't mind your posts at all. I do understand the point you are trying to make. Although I seem stuck to a degree, I am doing better.

Whitney,

Sometimes the nicer she is to me the more resentful I get.

I get this way too sometimes.

I'm doing well and love my new job. I'm throwing myself into 100%. There is a lot to do and learn and it helps keep my mind occupied.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Tad

[whitneypinch]

Hey Tad,

Sometimes we just need to feel we are not alone or crazy through all of this.

Life is short.

Try to have a decent weekend.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks again everyone. It's "new thread time" and my new one can be found here:

Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

Tad