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#2216053 01/26/12 04:59 PM
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Remember Me? Seems like I've been gone forever. Thanks to everyone that has followed my sitch and given me words of encouragement. My previous thread is here:

I spent all night with XW..........on the phone

First I apologize if I seem to be rambling, but there is a bunch to type and will just type as it comes to me.

***MY SITCH***

Not much change. XW continues to see OM and sleep with him.

She has seemed to be trying to be nice lately, but not sure why.

Last week, I called her phone to speak with S25. She complained and said: "oh, you'll talk to someone else on my phone, but won't talk to me."

She has complained to S17 that I ignore her.

About a week before Christmas, she sent a nasty text telling me that I was a pathetic pig and a piece of sh!t. Three days later, she made me Chrismas cookies. WTF?????? When I asked her why, she said it was a new year and she was trying to be nice. When I asked her why she would want to make cookies for a pathetic pig, she denied calling me that.

I've noticed that lately she'll use phrases like:

"I (fill in the blank) like I said I would."

I'm going to (fill in the blank) like I said I would."

We hardly talk at all.

She went ahead and blocked me on FB. She told S17 it was because she didn't want to see stuff about "my relationship." (More on that later.)

S19 has nothing to do with her at all. She posted a bunch of stuff on his FB about me and he gave it right back to her. I hate the way he feels about his mother, but really can't blame him. They are his feelings and I can't change them. He actually sent her a text a few weeks ago. It took her hours to respond. When she finally did, she sent a message to him saying: "so, how does it feel to be ignored?" I couldn't believe that she wrote that to her own son.

I get the feeling that maybe just maybe she is starting to see some of the damage she has done.

She still feels that she is entitled to everything.

She has made the comment a few times to our boys that she may have to move because she can't afford to live where she is because she has to pay support to me. (Again, this is all my fault.)

Kids still refuse to meet OM, but S25 has. He says that OM is extremely geeky. Chubby and bald....

In the past, she has accused me of brainwashing our kids against her. I have since learned that she has told our boys that she heard from numerous people that I cheated on her years ago. She says that she never mentioned it to me because she didn't have proof. She has no proof because it NEVER happened!!!!! But I ask, now who is doing the brainwashing? As God as my witness, I was always faithful to her and NEVER cheated on her. It really bothered me when I heard that.

I think she may be bi-polar. She changes from day to day.

***ME***

Overall, I am happy........or atleast getting there.

I've finally moved into my new place and love it. I can decorate it how I want and do what I want to do with it. It is mine! Wow, I'm starting to sound like an MLCer! smile

Moving out of the house really helped me a lot. I no longer have to see her in every room.

I have a huge master bedroom and a nice fireplace. The neighborhood is nice too.

My bad days don't come as often and don't seem to be as bad as they were.

Sometimes I do still get an overwhelming feeling of disbelief.

Eric (a very wise man) told me once that I will eventually get to a point where I don't givea f*ck what she is doing. Well, I do still give a f*ck, but not as much as I did.

I think I am finally getting past the sadness. Now, it is more anger towards her and what she has done. Even that though isn't as bad as it has been.

I'm hanging onto my job by a thread. I had to take some time off to get moved and to take care of doctor's appointments. I shouldn't need anymore time off for a while though.

Things are tight money-wise, but will get better once I get caught up on things.

I don't really miss XW as much as I used to. There are times though that something will remind me of her. I'm sure she has those moments too whether she wants to admit it or not.

I broke things off with the woman I was seeing from my work but........I am dating someone. The only thing is, I'm 44. She is 25. XW has a really big problem with her age. I started seeing her in mid December. Not sure if it will get serious, but who knows. We have fun.

I can still look back over the events of the last year and see the craziness. I actually see more of it now than I did. She really is an alien.

Some may disagree with the dating thing, but I just can't wait around forever for something that may or may not happen.

Do I love XW? Yes.

Do I want her back? I don't know.

Could I take her back? Not sure about that either.

Anyways, that is pretty much it for me. I'm sure there is more, but I'm pressed for time and can't think of it all right now.

I'll try to come back and post more often now that I am moved and settled in.

Thanks for everything.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Oct 2010
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Yay! Tad is back! And finally its about him!

I know I have been harsh on you in my posts, (really, not just me but a lot of others too) but you know its because we all have been trying to get you out of your funk, turn your head around so that you will find yourself instead of looking at xOW all the time. We love you, thats why.

Its true, dating is not yet advisable at this point, but the most important thing I am seeing here is that you are finally enjoying your life. When you wrote about decorating your own place, having fun .... its like a breath of fresh air!

You did say that you are now feeling anger to your W - Well, first comes denial, then usually the next stage of grief is anger. Try to rein that in though, it is hard to live with anger in your heart. Keep on working on that detachment, Tad! You will be fine!


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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Quote:

I am dating someone. The only thing is, I'm 44. She is 25


Tad, as long as you don't hurt her and she knows what is going on? Then I am happy for you.

Quote:

XW has a really big problem with her age.


Awww...that's pathetically hypocritical and none of her f-ing business. And sweet in a cloying and desperate way.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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You're divorced, I don't see why you shouldn't date. Bear in mind, though, that it's not fair to someone you're dating if you would drop them like a hot potato if your Ex came back.

AS for her age - Age is not the be all and end all, but STAGE OF LIFE is important. It's easy to think "this is just a temporary fling" but feelings do get involved. If she's someone who wants to get married and have her own family in the next few years, and you're someone with no interest in starting a second family - then it would be unfair to date her. If, on the other hand, you would welcome the idea of a second family - then I don't see the age difference as a complete deal breaker. Just so long as the relationship is equal and you're not taking advantage of her, or vice versa.

(I actually dated a couple of delightful young men, they were very compatible on an emotional/intellectual/physical level, but they were at stages of their life where soon they would be looking for a life companion and mother of their children. We stopped before anybody could get too attached, but I could see how emotionally dangerous that situation could be, don't think I'd go there again.)

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Tad,
I'm glad you returned to post an update. Congratulations on moving into your new place...it sounds wonderful. It's nice to know that you can now decorate it anyway you want and the ghosts of your past are now in every room.

As for dating, just as long as you treat your dating partner right, things will be okay. Don't make promises that you can't keep.

Now about your xw, she continues on her crazy path and is still trying to control and manipulate you. Is she beginning to see what she's done? I seriously doubt it. She's still out there and will be for quite some time. What I do see from your posting is that she is one miserable woman and wants you in the same boat w/her. That boat is called misery. Stop worrying about what she says...it's not worth it. She has made her bed, now let her stay in it. You did not cause her problems, therefore, you can't fix them. These people think that the grass is greener over on the other side of the fence, but once they jump the fence, they find out that it's nothing but artificial turf. Tune her out...she is now an "x" not a current wife.

Live your life to the fullest and enjoy yourself. Be true to yourself and to your children...that is all that matters now.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks everyone. I appreciate the comments.

I did a lot of thinking today. I found myself thinking that maybe MLC is just an excuse. It still doesn't make it easier dealing with what she did. However, the W I knew and loved wouldn't have even thought of doing some of the things she has done. So...who knows right?

Now to your comments:

Angel, you said:

Quote:
I know I have been harsh on you in my posts, (really, not just me but a lot of others too) but you know its because we all have been trying to get you out of your funk, turn your head around so that you will find yourself instead of looking at xOW all the time. We love you, thats why.


I'm glad you have been. I'm sure I needed it and still do from time to time. Thank you. smile

Quote:
Tad, as long as you don't hurt her and she knows what is going on? Then I am happy for you.


Thanks Jack. She does know. Matter of fact, I've probably told her a lot more than the people on this board. (If you can believe that.) She actually encourages me to talk about it. Sometimes though, I don't because I don't want to make her uncomfortable. She is a nice girl. I've known her for a long time. She was a listener of mine that I've known since my radio days.

Quote:
You're divorced, I don't see why you shouldn't date. Bear in mind, though, that it's not fair to someone you're dating if you would drop them like a hot potato if your Ex came back.


I've thought about this a lot KML. I've played it in my mind so many times and I would probably take the X back but......I wouldn't want to hurt GF either. To be honest, I'm not sure what I would do when and if it ever got to that point.

Quote:
If she's someone who wants to get married and have her own family in the next few years, and you're someone with no interest in starting a second family - then it would be unfair to date her. If, on the other hand, you would welcome the idea of a second family - then I don't see the age difference as a complete deal breaker.


Well she has made it clear that she doesn't want marriage anytime soon. Hell, I don't either. smile As for having a family, she has a daughter and can't have any more kids.

Quote:
I'm glad you returned to post an update. Congratulations on moving into your new place...it sounds wonderful.


Thanks for the very nice words Snodderly. I do have a question though. You said:

Quote:
She is one miserable woman and wants you in the same boat w/her. That boat is called misery.


My question is: How can you tell that she is miserable? Maybe she is putting on one Hell of an act when around me?

Again, thanks for the comments and nice words. smile

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 330
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Originally Posted By: tadpole1025
Thanks everyone. I appreciate the comments.

I did a lot of thinking today. I found myself thinking that maybe MLC is just an excuse. It still doesn't make it easier dealing with what she did. However, the W I knew and loved wouldn't have even thought of doing some of the things she has done. So...who knows right?

Now to your comments:

The problem is Tad, that you can't.

The solution is what do YOU wan to do. That is the only factor that you know at this time.

It is a tough decision and takes Indy's "Leap of Faith". Maybe there is a bridge there, maybe there isn't.

Angel, you said:

Quote:
I know I have been harsh on you in my posts, (really, not just me but a lot of others too) but you know its because we all have been trying to get you out of your funk, turn your head around so that you will find yourself instead of looking at xOW all the time. We love you, thats why.


I'm glad you have been. I'm sure I needed it and still do from time to time. Thank you. smile

Quote:
Tad, as long as you don't hurt her and she knows what is going on? Then I am happy for you.


Thanks Jack. She does know. Matter of fact, I've probably told her a lot more than the people on this board. (If you can believe that.) She actually encourages me to talk about it. Sometimes though, I don't because I don't want to make her uncomfortable. She is a nice girl. I've known her for a long time. She was a listener of mine that I've known since my radio days.

Quote:
You're divorced, I don't see why you shouldn't date. Bear in mind, though, that it's not fair to someone you're dating if you would drop them like a hot potato if your Ex came back.


I've thought about this a lot KML. I've played it in my mind so many times and I would probably take the X back but......I wouldn't want to hurt GF either. To be honest, I'm not sure what I would do when and if it ever got to that point.

Quote:
If she's someone who wants to get married and have her own family in the next few years, and you're someone with no interest in starting a second family - then it would be unfair to date her. If, on the other hand, you would welcome the idea of a second family - then I don't see the age difference as a complete deal breaker.


Well she has made it clear that she doesn't want marriage anytime soon. Hell, I don't either. smile As for having a family, she has a daughter and can't have any more kids.

Quote:
I'm glad you returned to post an update. Congratulations on moving into your new place...it sounds wonderful.


Thanks for the very nice words Snodderly. I do have a question though. You said:

Quote:
She is one miserable woman and wants you in the same boat w/her. That boat is called misery.


My question is: How can you tell that she is miserable? Maybe she is putting on one Hell of an act when around me?

Again, thanks for the comments and nice words. smile

Tad

















M:35
W:33
M: 5 yrs.
Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10
D Final: 8/7/12
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Tad,

I think the topic of dating has been covered well enough.

But the idea of you taking your wife back stuns me. AS SHE IS NOW,

how can you even consider it?

I strongly urge you to seek out and or continue in your counselling. Surely by now, you see her vicious & erratic behavior. The contempt with which she speaks to you, only to be followed by baking cookies, speaks to her inability to apologize like an adult. Asking her why she'd bake things for someone she referred to the way she did you is just demeaning. ( You repeated her slurs--please don't ever do that again unless you are in court suing someone for it).

I don't know why she'd know you are dating, let alone the woman's age. I don't know why she'd have the hypocritical gall to comment about it, or why someone would think you'd want to hear it, or why you'd allow them to call this to your attention.

Only you can answer this^^^...

If detaching is still so complicated, then I suggest you tell her, and people who want to share her opinion with you, that you are "Not inviting comment" on that AND OR from her on anything not related to your sons....period.

Remember that thing called Detachment?

It's still your challenge.

That's the not so good news.

But I'm glad you are moving forward in your life. Very glad. You are beginning to see the upsides of your own life and being in charge of your own happiness...

and you are also seeing the downsides of your present wife and how NOT having her batchit crazy nastyass in your face, is a good thing.

Once upon a time you were married to someone else.

She went missing over a year ago. No signs of her being found so she may NEVER be found.

If she is found, she may not return to you anyhow.

You can savor and treasure those memories of the woman who once was,

in a good, happy albeit bittersweet way. Yes it's bitter but it was still sweet.

But accept that she IS missing and has been for awhile. As she has become now, it's a lot better that she's gone.

Accept that. Embrace it. Embrace your freedom to Keep going forward.

Care for your sons and show them that sanity is retainable.

Enjoy your life. I'm telling you, Life is short.

Don't let her steal anymore of yours or your sons, than she already has.

((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Tad,
25 said it all...why would you even think about taking your wife back right now, especially w/the way she's been acting towards you? The woman you knew is gone and has been gone for quite some time. She emotionally left the marriage long before her final exit. If and when she grows up, she may not even be the woman you want back in your life. What if she doesn't grow up and remains a mess? Don't put your life on hold, hoping that she will come back to you the way she was pre-mlc.

Yes, she's miserable. If she weren't, she wouldn't be consumed w/what you are doing, calling you, making comments to your children and the one thing that says it all...she knows about your dating, etc. If she were happy w/her life, she would go on w/her life and act like a mature adult and at least meet you half way in co-parenting and not be making such comments to your children.

Tad, enjoy your life, you've been given the opportunity to start a fresh w/your divorce. Give your wife's situation to God and allow him to take care of her. I know it's difficult, but you've got to stop analyzing her comments and behaviors because mlcers change on a dime and give you 9 cents change. They are emotionally a mess and no one can operate on pure emotions full time.

Tad, it's time to take care of you!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you 25 and Snodderly.

Quote:
But the idea of you taking your wife back stuns me.


You're right 25. I can't take her back the way that she is now. No way. But.......I do hope that someday she will get through this and maybe just maybe return to who she was. The longer time goes though, I lose a little more hope. Does anyone know of any marriages that were restored after the divorce?

Quote:
The contempt with which she speaks to you, only to be followed by baking cookies, speaks to her inability to apologize like an adult. Asking her why she'd bake things for someone she referred to the way she did you is just demeaning. ( You repeated her slurs--please don't ever do that again unless you are in court suing someone for it).


Got it. I guess I was just so confused by it all. I still don't really understand her reason behind it.

Quote:
I don't know why she'd know you are dating, let alone the woman's age.


She knows because S25 (who I am very upset with right now) told her all about it. Why? I don't know. Not sure if she was asking questions or if he volunteered the info.

Quote:
Remember that thing called Detachment?

It's still your challenge.


Very true. I'm working on it. Although I am getting better, it is still tough sometimes.

Quote:
As she has become now, it's a lot better that she's gone.


I'm seeing that more everyday. There are still times when I would like to call her until I ask myself "why?" It would just hurt me anyways.

Quote:
Yes, she's miserable. If she weren't, she wouldn't be consumed w/what you are doing, calling you, making comments to your children and the one thing that says it all...she knows about your dating, etc. If she were happy w/her life, she would go on w/her life and act like a mature adult and at least meet you half way in co-parenting and not be making such comments to your children.


Thanks Snodderly. We do not talk anymore though. If she wants to tell me something or ask something, she usually uses S17 as the messenger. (Something she has accused me of in the past.) As for knowing about my dating, as stated above, she knows because S25 told her. I don't know why.

Everyone on this board has been amazing. I appreciate all of you. I do know that I did seem pretty pathetic at times (and probably still do), but I am getting better. I would have never dreamed that it would take me this long.....and....I've still got a lot of work to do. smile

Thanks again.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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