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#2230066 - 03/13/12 04:31 AM Re: Tad's Overdue Update [Re: dl443322]
sunshinelewis Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/08
Posts: 1132
Tad I know what u r going thru. Brookie has given you great advice.
When my xh left, my son, 18 was devistated. He basically stayed shut up in his room and would not do hardly anything I asked of him.
We were on our own. My xh stopped paying bills. I had to approach son and explain it was just me and him and he was gonna have to help out with a part time job.
My son looked up to his dad so much. When son and I had a disagreement he would call his dad.
Many here told me to send son packing to his dads.
Tad, my son never respected me as much as his dad. I gave into son many times over the years. He was mammas baby and always will be.
Also when his dad left, son BLAMED ME. He knew his dad had made the decision to leave the family and I "think" he knew he cheated but he STILL put the blame on me.
Son was not respecting me and one day it all came to a head.
I told son he was gonna have to go stay with his dad FOR AWHILE. My son did NOT want to go live with his dad.
Anyway he called his dad and we struggled for the phone and you know what his dad told him over the phone.
"Get away from her son, she is crazy". No support!
I called a friend/cop to come by and talk to son. That day son went to his dads. He was very upset and it BROKE my heart into a million pieces.
I knew if I didnt send him my son would NEVER amount to anything. WOrk or school.
The next day son returned for his things and said mom its ok, I needed to go stay with dad. Hugged me and he was fine.
BUT the longer he stayed the more I became the enemy.
Its been over two years since my son as spoke to me and it tears me apart everyday. I love and miss him so much.
I, like Brookie, promised myself though that no matter what, I would NOT talk bad about his dad. AND I havent and never would.
Sometimes I think I made the biggest mistake of my life sending him away but I never intended for him not to never return.
He was fine at first, I would take him things and he would say hurry and leave mom before dad gets upset.
His dad doesnt speak to me and I know this affects son.
Son has shut me out for now. BUT I have left it into God's hands and I know he will bring son home and fix our relationship.
Tad just dont say anything to son if he comes home with an attitued UNLESS he gets very disrespectuful. They are being pulled in so many directions and its so hard on them.
I hope you NEVER go thru what I have with my son.

Brookie do you think my ex has brainwashed my son? Do you think son is afraid of his dad being upset if he talks to me?
Son SAYS he is upset over me having the cop talk to him but son came back the next day and was fine. I think things are being said to him. My ex, after three yrs is still irrate. I wish so much he would change JUST for sons sake.

Hugs Tad,
Renee
_________________________
_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10

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#2230381 - 03/14/12 04:03 AM Re: Tad's Overdue Update [Re: sunshinelewis]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 3050
Sunshine, your son is obviously afraid to go against his dad. For now. That's a point in time.

My kids are the same in some ways. I respect that it is hard on them and let it go. As long as they are ok, then so be it. The rest is just "now" and not forever.

For the record, my son and I have a great relationship. Now. It wasn't always that way because his mom would get in the way when she lived here.

My daughter and I were always close. She lives with her mom now and won't so much as look at me or talk to me. She has made that very clear.

I don't blame her. She wants a relationship with her mother and missed that for many years while her mother wasn't very available. I don't like what or how she did it, but that's history. She'll be back one day down the road.

Did her mom brainwash her? She influenced her as evidenced by what was in her email. That's obvious.

Are my kids afraid of their mother? Yes. She "flips out" over little things when she doesn't get her way and they are shell shocked.

But like Brookie mentioned, they need to find their way. They are old enough to make their own choices. Their own mistakes. They learn this way smile

I don't like it, but it seems natural for my daughter to be angry and to take it out on me. To want to be "normal" and loved. To be loved by her mom. To make up for lost time.

In time, she'll make up her own mind. My son will as well.

I try to not say things. I am not perfect but that's life. I'm careful because of my kids. For their sake.

Tad, have patience and be nothing more than you. Recognize the turmoil and the age. Be a father and be kind to him.

He needs you, Tad. Make yourself whole and support your son. Stop worrying about what she says becuase you can't control it. You can't make his decisions nor know why he makes them.

He'll figure it out if you let him Tad. You can take a lot of pressure off him and he'll know.

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2231881 - 03/19/12 10:54 PM Re: Tad's Overdue Update [Re: AJM]
tadpole1025 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 966
Loc: Phoenix, AZ
Thanks AJ, Wendy, Brookie and Sunshine.

Quote:
She wants/needs you to be the bad guy so much she is even willing to create stories/reasons/etc. to support that.


How long will it be like this? Forever?

Quote:
But your son knows, Tad. He knows.


I hope so Brookie. I really do.

Quote:
Are my kids afraid of their mother? Yes. She "flips out" over little things when she doesn't get her way and they are shell shocked.


I almost laughed out loud when I read this. My XW is the same way. She wasn't always like that, just in the later years. It got so bad that she threw a salt and pepper shaker at me full force across the table just because I wanted a little pepper on my food.

XW is the angriest person I've ever met. Why so angry though?

Update:

S17 is spending Spring Break with her. I'm sure he'll get to hear tons of lies.

My sons, GF and friends have been trying to encourage me to get back into radio. Not listening to it, but being ON THE RADIO again. I just can't.

I'm convinced that this "thing" is mostly an identity crisis of some sort. XW is actually turning into one of her best friends. Scary.

My bankruptcy officially gets filed next week.

That is all for now.

Tad
_________________________
Currently:
M 46
XW 47
Sons 28,23,21,19


The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13

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#2231909 - 03/20/12 12:22 AM Re: Tad's Overdue Update [Re: tadpole1025]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 3050
Why no radio for you Tad? Didn't you love it? Wasn't it something that you enjoyed? Is your xw going to take that from you too?

Her issues? Just that. Her issues. The anger? That can go on forever Tad. You'll only see it as long as you let her show you. How you prevent her from showing you is for you to find out, right?

Her different personalities? It can be amusing. I found that when I saw my xw going through personalities, it was kind of awewsome in the same way that watching a hurricane blow past your front door is awesome. Dangerous, scary, but fascinating just the same. With all that goes with it.

Notice her changes less Tad. There is no Lassie coming home in this story. She may be that way a long long time if not forever. She is unable to have a healthy relationship with you. That's apparent. She goes to great lengths to keep you away and blame you at the same time (push/pull). Break those ties that pull you back in. One at a time, break them.

Face the fears else be a slave to them the rest of your life.

Be good!

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2232529 - 03/22/12 03:27 AM Re: Tad's Overdue Update [Re: AJM]
tadpole1025 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 966
Loc: Phoenix, AZ
Thanks AJ.

Quote:
Why no radio for you Tad? Didn't you love it? Wasn't it something that you enjoyed? Is your xw going to take that from you too?


Eh...I don't know. I did love it at first, but it got to be a drain. Plus, it DID play a big part in the marriage breakdown. I have a hard time listening to music still so being on the radio probably won't happen anytime soon.

UPDATE:

Speaking of radio.....I was cleaning out my car today and found a black folder in the trunk that hasn't been opened since my radio days. Like an idiot, I opened it. I found a letter I had written to her to convince her to stay, an email from OM to XW, and an email from XW to OM. These were letters from the time all of this crap went down. I shouldn't have read them. All of the feelings: pain, betrayal, sadness, all of it came back. For a few minutes I got to re-live everything again.

I also spoke to S17 on the phone today. He is still at his mother's place until Sunday. He still has not met OM. Only one of my sons has - S26.

S17, S19 and S21 have all met my GF. The other day, GF asked S21 why he met her and won't meet OM. He said "because my dad isn't the one that did something wrong."

Anyways, that is the small update for now.

Hope all is well with everyone.

Tad.
_________________________
Currently:
M 46
XW 47
Sons 28,23,21,19


The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13

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#2233306 - 03/26/12 06:13 AM Re: Tad's Overdue Update [Re: tadpole1025]
tadpole1025 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 966
Loc: Phoenix, AZ
The latest:

XW brought S17 back tonight. He spent the entire Spring Break with her. I found out that XW told S17 on Wednesday that "it is time" for S17 to meet OM. She had him over for dinner last week and S17 met him. I don't know why, but this kind of p!sses me off. She still denies that she left me for him. (Found him on a dating site and left me before she even met him.)

Anyways, everyone on this board has told me to detach and not be around when she brings S17 to my house or picks him up. I've been doing what everyone says and tonight she complained about it.

I was gone when she dropped of S17. (I planned it that way.) She had the following conversation with S21:

XW: Where's your father?

S21: At GF's house.

XW: Does he purposely disappear when I come over?

S21: I don't know.

XW: It seems that way.

S21. I guess.

XW: Well I think it is pretty immature that he is gone every time I come over.


Couple of things:

1) I was here the last time. I just didn't go outside.

2) The other times that she is here, I've been working.

What is the big deal? Why is she so high and mighty calling me childish? She didn't want me in her life so why does she care if I am here or not?

She told S17 that she wants him for Easter Weekend. I don't think I'm going to go along with that because she had him last Easter.

I find myself getting angry again.....

Tad
_________________________
Currently:
M 46
XW 47
Sons 28,23,21,19


The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13

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#2233320 - 03/26/12 11:58 AM Re: Tad's Overdue Update [Re: tadpole1025]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 19082
Loc: Maryland
Tad,
She's setting the trap to bait you and wants you just as miserable as she is. Don't take the bait! Let the questions roll off your back. You don't have to justify to her or anyone else why you weren't around when she dropped your son off. You are divorced and owe her no explanation as to where you were.

If the mlcer doesn't want you, they don't want anyone else to have you either. Keep in mind, the mlcer expects the lbs to stay right where they left them when they entered the crisis. They tend to forget that life goes on and we do not sit around waiting on them.

Continue moving forward.

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#2233321 - 03/26/12 12:01 PM Re: Tad's Overdue Update [Re: tadpole1025]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 839
Loc: West Coast
Hey Tad!

Just a reminder....MLcers expect us LBS (divorced or not) to have no life, and to sit at home and be at their beck and call.

It sounds to me like your XW can't let go and accept the reality of what she put into action which is the divorce. Man she's got alot of nerve!

How do you feel your son handled meeting the OM?

You did the right thing by not being around when she drops your son off, or at least be scarce. It helps tremedously. That's how I did it for months.

Now stbx and I are talking terms, and he now walks our girls to the door when he used to drop them off and tear out of the driveway...LOL. I realize that it's partially necessary because D9 is temporarily in a wheelchair and crutches due to hip surgery. However Im not that comfortable with him coming in the house either. I invited him in once to see his daughter. Now he just comes in.

Feeling angry would be normal. The way I see it, is your XW just crossed a boundary. She comes into your home, where she abandoned you and your boys, has been nothing but nuttier than a fruit cake to you and spewing in every way imaginable, and then gets huffy because you're not there? She may as well be poking a caged and wounded animal! Heck I'd be infuriated!

How would you feel about taking your son to her place and picking him up routinely? My stbx does all the dropping off and picking up, per his choice. I actually prefer it that way because I do NOT want to even be in the vicinity of where he shares his home with the OW. The thought of it makes me ill and I don't want any part of it. However I don't like him coming in the house either, but that's up to me to figure out what boundaries I need for myself, and of course what's reasonable given we do have the kids to deal with.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2233974 - 03/28/12 04:34 PM Re: Tad's Overdue Update [Re: Kimmerz]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 3050
Hey Tad. She's complaining? About that?? Really? Some nerve smile

The thing is, you need to do, and are doing, what is right for you. And you are honoring her wishes to not see you or be around you. Guess what? She would complain if you were there every time as well. Just so you know, it really is nothing about you, it's about her and complaining. Why? Who knows? Perhaps because she is not happy? Perhaps because if you two were "friends" on her terms she would feel more justified that she did the right thing?

Or perhaps control?

I suggest she just wants to complain and feel like a victim. That's conrol and power and selfish.

But she would complain regardless of what you did. Just so she could complain.

Just be you and do what you feel you want to do. If this was somebody you didn't know (you don't know her as she is now anyway) would you be so bothered?

One more thing to let go of Tad. One more....

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

Top
#2233996 - 03/28/12 06:28 PM Re: Tad's Overdue Update [Re: AJM]
TRUSTING Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/07
Posts: 2549
I agree with all the wonderful posters. Mlers complain about everything and anything you do. It just does not matter.

I think they have just so much guilt and shame that they have to project all of that on to the LBS.

They cannot stand the thought that you are not thinking about them 100 percent of the time.
_________________________
Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11


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