I've had this problem with xh too. He was good about money at first, even depositing it himself into the bank, and then slowly but surely started slacking off. It got to the point that I never got any support until I had to ask. Thankfully the divorce papers will be signed today or tomorrow and Im finally going to be getting my support checks by his wages being garnished. I can't tell you what a relief that is.
My advice, be the squeaky but consistent wheel.Contact him again, and let him know that money is needed. This is the hardest part, keeping it business during the most personal situation of your life!
In my experience it seems the WAS seem to get VERY forgetful after they leave. I swear it's in one ear and out the other quite often, and still is at times with Xh. Then next thing you know their minds are steal traps over things that are so trivial or so long ago, you don't understand what the big deal is.
He very well may not be paying any attention to the time frame in regards to take care of your attorney. He's thinking only of himself now, and what works for him. I hate to be a bummer here, but mentally prepare yourself for him to decide he's NOT going to pay your retainer at the last minute. The MLCer will turn on a dime, drop of a hat, fart in the wind, you name it, they can turn on you.
What's really weird is that he was at the bank earlier this week to deposit money for bills. I really don't want to think that he isn't going to deposit money for my attorney. He knows that I need to be represented. Also, once I start getting paid from my job I'll be curious to see what he does with future deposits. I really hope he doesn't start playing financial games. He's got to know that when he hurts me he hurts the boys and he is desperately trying to salvage his relationship with them.
My H is back to blaming me for the breakdown of our marriage. He texted my son tonight asking if he was ever going to talk to him and then wrote that after months of him having my side of the story he wants him to know his side. First of all, I haven't spewed about my side of the story the boys. I've only dealt with the aftermath. Second, I'm the person he should be directing his anger at. Because my H didn't communicate his feelings to me he expected me to be a mind reader. How could I have known that he was struggling with us? He couldn't have harbored that much resentment since we were still doing things together, including having sex, right up to the time he left. So, are the reasons he citing now really what caused him to flee or is he remembering the bad parts of our marriage to continue to justify his actions? I need help understanding what's going on here.
It's so hard to hear from my son what my H is texting. I feel like I have been set back months in the healing process. I am crying my eyes out once again from the pain and turmoil. Why does my H have to continue to use any communication with my son as a way to let it be known that he doesn't love me and that my actions, in his opinion, eroded our marriage. Please remind me that this is typical MLC behavior, because at the moment I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I know this is hard. You need to DETACH< DETACH< DETACH!!!!!!!
I fought it, struggle with it and now embrace it. When you find it you will be in an oasis of calm. Do what you can right now to get yourself centered and calm.
Nothing he is saying or doing makes any sense. Quit trying to make it make sense. Keep venting on here. Know that we are all out here pulling for you to get through this.
I know it sounds dumb, but splash some cool water in your face, go find a quiet spot, sit and breath. Think about just breathing and nothing else. Do this for a couple minutes and I bet you feel better.
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
golf mom, I am sorry that your h is acting like an utter butt. Your h, in his mind, doesn't feel that he has done anything wrong. Yes, mlcers do think that we should have been able to read their minds many months ago...but unfortunately, that isn't something we could have done. They should have told us what was on their minds, but they chose to remain silent and deal w/their misery a different way.
I am sorry that your son received messages from your h describing what he perceives as right. Your h doesn't understand or want to understand why your son is not in communication w/him. Your h can't even begin to understand that you haven't demonized him to your son, because in his mind that is what he thinks you have done...why? Because that is most likely what he's done to you when speaking to others about the situation.
This behavior is called "justification for what he's done". He is trying to justify to your son why he walked away and unfortunately, your son will eventually get disgusted and block his calls/texts or tell him to stop. Yes, this is typical mlc behavior and he will continue to use your son until your son puts an end to it or the time comes when you can state enough is enough. Believe me, the time will come and when that door opens, you will need to advise him that he shouldn't be doing such things via your son.
I know that this behavior is unacceptable and difficult to swallow, but you've got to find a way to let it go for now. You know that you have not demonized your h to your son and you can hold your head up high. Your son knows the truth and that is all that matters.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What snodderly said is 100% spot on. It hurts like hell when they do this, and things will happen that are 2 steps foward 3 steps back. It will seem all the ground you've finally gained is ripped right out from under you, and now you've got to work on getting up again. It's all about justification for him right now.
I've been through xh doing this to me, but he never has given his side of the story to the kids. he just expects them to do as their told and accept all that he's done without any explanation. Be prepared for friends and family to hear his side of the story and for some to take his side. That's happened to me. turns out the one that took his side had an MLC about 3 years ago and her behavior was no better than his, maybe worse. I think she still is in MLC, so of course she'll side with him and his OW. But she's the only one, never liked her anyway.
Thank you for the replies. I know you all are right, but I can't help but feel that it's all my fault. If only I had worked.... H is blaming me for all of our financial shortcomings. I think he will go to his grave feeling that whatever he didn't accomplish in life was because of me. We made a decision that I would stay home. Yes, there came a point when money was tight and I should have gone back to work, however, he wasn't pushing me or telling me how he was feeling about it. He just let it fester. In the meantime, I did a great job of raising the boys, caring for H and our home and I was an excellent household manager. Why in his mind does that not count for anything. Oh, and let me add, that I was loyal and faithful, something that he use to brag about. But he's forgotten about that. Now I'm just this horrible person who he can no longer love. That hurts.
Please know what happened to your H is not about what you did or didn't do or even really about you at all.
MLCers cannot face or deal with the issues that truly fuel the crisis. They are the things that happened to your H long before you ever met. Things that he didn't have the tools or knowledge at the time to deal with them. So, he has suppressed them so deep he doesn't even realize that they are at the core of his crisis.
If your H is like most MLCers, they avoid dealing with issues that bother them. They believe if they stuff them down they'll just go away. It has worked for them before, right? In midlife transition when humans typically take stock of their lives, the MLCer sees what he/she thinks they've missed out on and rushes out to try and capture that before it's too late. They try and outrun all that they believe has prevented them from being happy. That includes spouse, kids, and responsibility. When the transition goes off the track and derails, that's when it becomes the crisis. They are willing to throw everything away because they have no idea how to deal with those issues that they've put a tight lid on all those years before and it will be a long time, if ever, that they recognize that this really was behind what drove them.
They are being driven by emotions and their belief that what's bubbling up has to be the fault of their trappings in life. Because they have become so adept at not dealing with issues they run to find band aids that temporarily soothe them and calm their fears.
Eventually, most MLCer's do realize that it was not their spouse or kids that caused their unhappiness. The depression follows them no matter which 'new' life they've chosen. Until and unless he deals with his demons, they will haunt him and he will continue to look for someone or something he can blame.
Detachment is your friend. Own your part but DO NOT let yourself take the blame for things you had no control over. Change those things that YOU don't like when you look into the mirror. Make those changes for you. What he's spewing about now and blaming you for has little to do with what his real issues are.
Let those things he spews roll like water off a duck's back. You will get through this and you're not alone, we're walking the same path right beside you.
