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#2229545 - 03/11/12 06:12 AM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
It's after 2am (3 now, since the clocks just jumped forward an hour) and guess who said he'd be home at 12:30? frown I'm so sick of this crap. I woke up to find a slew of texts from him saying he'll be home later than expected because he's having a drink with so and so...repeat for a bunch of different people. So he's put until the wee hours of the mornings 2 nights in a row. He said ge'd be home early enough for us to hang out a bit.

I called him just 10mins ago when I woke up and he is obviously drunk. Why must he be this way? Why can't he ever do what he says he'll do! I am tired of him blaming the choices that he makes on other people. One of the texts said its taking longer to socialize than he thought. No. He went there to make an appearance, not to stay for hours and get drunk! I feel like banging my head against a wall. After what happened last night, he still thinks this is ok. I'm just speechless. He drunkenly told me on the phone that I left when he got home up to him. That's because I didn't want to appear controlling! And i want him to WANT to make mature, responsible choices. Whenever I leave anything up to him, he does whatever makes HIM happy, not me frown
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

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#2229566 - 03/11/12 10:05 AM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
greenblue90 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/11
Posts: 685
Ummm well yeah...

You threw a test at him and now you're upset because he failed. He on the other hand thought you were doing it in good faith.

"if he cared he would have known"

This type of behavior will just lead to unneeded fighting and arguing. If you didn't specifically set a boundary then you have no one to blame but yourself. He's not a mind reader you know....

(I'm sure I projected a little there)

As for him staying out so late, so often. I definitely think its an issue. That needs to be CALMLY addressed. I used to be a server so I know how the crew hangs out after work. I did it too, although I never understood, how people didn't just want to go home after a long shift. I guess you need to come off the adrenaline. I also think its because most servers unless they also work lunch sleep in the day, and stay up at night, and since the industry works weekends and nights, the crew which is young to begin with feels like they have to make up lost party time.

Heres the rub, whether by choice or not, your boyfriend is now a family man. This means trying to accommodate more to a family schedule. He needs to accept responsibility and move forward, finish school, and be a provider.

You on the other hand need to keep it up with school, both for yourself and to inspire him forward. Who knows maybe you'll inspire him to finally buckle down with school. Get a great job, and stay in shape. If he is worthy to be with you he'll rise up to the challenge. If not at least you'll be independent.

It's hard and a fine line between holding on to your boundaries and nagging. Just be clear and non accusatory.

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#2229596 - 03/11/12 12:51 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: greenblue90]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
I'm thinking of walking away from the R. I did a lot of thinking last night (he stumbled in at 4am, 5 with the time change, and he was supposed to be home at 12:30). Since we first started piecing I've noticed that he seems to want me AND the free man life. I say this because he acts without regard to my feelings. Constantly. He does not respect me. He has not shown that he even cares to try. This R is stressing me the hell out every single day. He is acting how he did in the old R. I'm not. I'm trying. He's making disrespectful choices and the blaming them on other people/things.

I'm heartbroken all over again, but this time I know that I'm standing up for what I deserve. He's shown me that he'll continue to do whatever he pleases, regardless of how it makes me feel. I can't believe he did that last night after what happened the night before. He texted me last night while at work. He said, "I'm feeling a bit sullen about last night, and the resulting affair today." Then he goes and makes the choice to break the agreement he made to me? Initially HE said 30mins. Then he changed it to 45. That changed to 3+ hours.

When he got home he thought everything was fine because he 'communicated' with me. It does not even go through his head to respect me, and that scares me. If he had been showing that he's trying, that would be one thing. But he's not. A man who is trying to build a new relationship based on trust and mutual respect wouldn't pull that crap at all, let alone on a day when we hardly spoke because he'd screwed up the night before and then lied about it.

He slept on the couch last night.
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

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#2229608 - 03/11/12 01:39 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Yes Jenna, you're so on the right track. Like anything good though, it needs attention. The more you excercise it, the more natural it becomes. Good for you!

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#2229612 - 03/11/12 02:02 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: rickb89]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
Well, I think we're over. He said he can't seem to put me toward the top of his priorities. He said the idea of us makes him happy, but it isn't working out and he feels we're doomed. He's numb again, so he's emotionless. He NEVER used to get this way. Not until he left in December. Now it happens often.

I'm heartbroken. I knew he was feeling like I'm not worth fighting for. His behavior was spelling it out for me.
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

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#2229632 - 03/11/12 02:58 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Jenna...so sorry hon...maybe this will pass....praying for you...really sorry this is happening

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#2229683 - 03/11/12 08:48 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: rickb89]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
Please tell me if I shouldn't be giving this another shot...

My grandparents called this morning and wanted to take the kids for a few hours, so after they picked them up, J and I talked. He said he felt numb and emotionless, but he knows he loves me and wants to try to make this work. He wasn't fighting me at all when I said I thought we should separate, though frown I was bawling. He said he feels like a huge [censored] and doesn't know why he doesn't respect me. 

He kept falling asleep (because the jerk stayed out all night again), so I decided that we needed to get out of the house. We went to lunch and talked. He stopped feeling as numb while we were there. He said he thinks it acts as a defense mechanism when we get into huge fights. 

We calmed down and analyzed where we're at. He DID take a step forward in the respect department when he texted me 6 times throughout the night to let me know what was going on. The old him wouldn't have done that at all. Maybe one text, and that's a huge maybe. The most respectful thing he could have done would have been to go home when he said he would, OR to call me to see if I was cool if he stayed out later. He's taking steps, though, and for something of this magnitude (our relationship/family!), I can't just ignore that. 

I laid it all out for him. I told him what I need from him to make this relationship work. I asked him what I could do better. He didn't really have anything to say. It's such a change from before. I had SO much to change before. Now it seems I just need to build on the changes I'm already making. 

He's worrying that he's not good enough for me, that he won't be able to respect me. I'm confused by that. I told him that it's really quite simple. Decide that you're going to stick within the boundaries that we BOTH agreed upon, and then do it! He screwed up both times he went out this weekend, but he told the truth when he normally wouldn't have (albeit delayed, but still the truth), and he texted me the 2nd night to let me know what was happening. 

I'm so wary, but I'm giving this another shot. If it's obvious that he's not trying hard enough, I won't stand for it. I can't. We have therapy Tues morning, and all we're going to talk about is why he has such a hard time respecting me. 

I feel pretty lost. It hurts so much that he isn't trying as hard as I am. He always wanted me with such a fierce intensity before. We talked about that today. He said it could have been that I never wanted him as much as he wanted me. I told him that I'm worried the J I fell in love with just doesn't exist anymore. Only time will tell, I guess. He needs to behave like a man fighting for his love and his family! 

If he doesn't, take this as a wake up call to chsnge, it will be the end of us frown I can't take much more. I hate to put a limit on it, but I'm feeling like this is his last chance. I am not expecting him to get it all perfectly from now on, but I'm expecting him to try harder. He says he loves me and wants to be happy with me, and can't figure out why he doesn't care to respect me more. We had zero respect in our previous relationship. He needs to move beyond that now and respect me! I respect him.
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

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#2229689 - 03/11/12 10:20 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
Wow sweetie, I'm so sorry for you to be going through this. ((((((Jenna))))))

A few things came to mind while reading your last few posts:
(please remember, I care about *you* and these thoughts are sent with love and support)

He *is* making some positives, you even said so yourself (after you reflected for a day.) Did you tell him this? I'm not agreeing or defending his stupid boy choices about staying out all night- but in order to get more of the behaviors that you *want*, they need to be acknowledged and encouraged. I'm sure you already do this with your kids (without even realizing it): when the kids make you breakfast or a 'present'- and the side effect is a big giant mess in your kitchen- do you fuss at them for making a mess, while brushing over the nice thing they did for you.... Or do you give them bunches of praise and hugs/kisses for doing something nice, and then ask their help to clean up after you've enjoyed your breakfast? The same theory applies with J, when he approached you to tell you about the strip club, any appreciation that you gave for him telling the truth (which is the behavior you *want*) was probably overshadowed by you're angry tone and reminding him that he lied by omission.

You made a few references to *him* not trying hard enough, not putting as mic effort as you into the R.... These are the same things I heard from my H when we were on our way to the bomb. He never gave me specific goals/tasks that he was looking for- just that he was angry that I wasn't putting forth effort. This left me to a trial and error series of events, hoping that one of them was what he was looking for. When I would meet one benchmark, he would toss another complaint into the pile- and this left me angry because I felt like he actually had a checklist in his he's of what he was lookin for- but instead of showing me the whole list and letting me try to make changes simultaneously- he only let me see one at a time. I felt like this allowed him to continue to play the victim in his mind; thinking: "well yeah, she did [blank] but she hasn't done [blank, blank and blank] this means she's not putting enough effort. She obviously doesn't care about me enough."
The really frustrating thing was that I spent ALL of my time and energy trying different things to make him happy and show him how crazy in love I was, but it wasn't good enough because my actions didn't match the 'checklist' he had in his head. When you go into the counselor, don't just say "why don't you respect me?" Take this time before the session to be honest with yourself and literally make that checklist that I'm sure you have in your head (ex: showing respect looks like: *asking* me if it's ok that you stay out later, instead of assuming or being controlling by just *telling* me what you're going to do.) Do your R a favor, and be honest with the details, general statements leave A LOT for interpretation- and his interpretation might not be the same as yours.

I made both of these mistakes in my M. I also said "if you loved me you would do [blank]"; "I shouldn't have to tell you what I want from you- you should just know it.". My C told me something that works for every relationship you have (even the kids) "when you use 'should' you are putting 'shame' to their action.".... After the bomb, it wasn't me who was saying 'should' as much anymore, it was H saying: "you should have tried harder", "you should have known what I wanted to see"... It basically took away any amount of effort that I *did* try, I felt like the year of therapy and trying all kinds of new things- wasn't good enough.

Please make your expectations as clear as possible, so there's no chance that J could interpret differently. Make sure you can give specific examples of what 'respect', 'being a priority', 'being a family guy' *LOOK* like- through words or actions. This doesn't mean you are giving him an easy out by writing a script that he can use for every event... Think of it as guidelines. His own love and abilities will have to make the adjustments for each different scenario- and of he truly loves his family, he will Work hard to make the adjustments when they are required. *Then* if he 'messes up' by not sticking to the expectations- you don't have to get angry, you won't even have to say anything. Of he tries to defend or make excuses, just simply remind him of the expectation- no need to shame him or rub his nose in it.

Jenna, I see so much of you and J in what was the beginnings of my M. I speak from my experiences- and I hope you can take some bits and pieces to apply to your R. I hope I wasn't too harsh. I don't mean to seem like I'm defending him in any way or telling you that you're the problem- not my intentions smile

(((Jenna)))
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2229693 - 03/11/12 10:33 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: purgatory]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
Thank you, Pur. You're not harsh at all.

I did list specifics with him, but apparently I didn't think of everything. We talked more about specifics today.

My anger and pain did overshadow my gratitude towards him for taking those small steps. I was the one to get him to realize that he has in fact been taking steps, though. He was lying there this morning, saying that he feels like such an [censored] for not treating me how I should be treated. I told him that he has been making small steps in the right direction. He accepted that and felt a little better.

It scares me that he keeps feeling numb towards me. It's happened a couple of times in the past week, after 2 huge fights.

I'm having a hard time feeling secure at all in this R. I told him it feels like he's always ready to bolt out the door, and he looked shocked and said that that's not true. It sure feels that way frown
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

Top
#2229694 - 03/11/12 10:37 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
What your husband did was terrible. I'm not playing games with J. I *want* him to know what I'm unhappy with, and I've told him. I'm not looking for a way out.

I just hope he'll recognize the worth in us. I hope he'll realize that going out partying is not worth it if the way he goes about it destroys trust and respect in our R.
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

Top
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