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This has nothing to do with forgiveness. She's forgiven him and he her. But this doesn't mean that he can continue to see the OW and her not feel comfortable about it.

I don't even know why you're debating this. The OW is there, he socializes with her and she's uncomfortable. In a M if you were uncomfortable with something your spouse was doing and you told them but they kept doing it, this causes resentment. Resentment breeds contempt and you find yourself here all over again.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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I don't disagree with that...I was talking about trust in general for her sake because I see them both needing to find it to be successful.

We're like two spoused talking about two different aspects of one subject and thinking its an argument.

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Thanks for all of the advice!

He says he hardly talks to her. He now says he won't even say hi to her anymore, but who knows.

We got into a fight today, and we both put on the table that we're very vulnerable when it comes to past OW/OM. I'm having a hard time getting over it when he sees her at work. He said they work together about once a week. I keep trying to let it go, trust him on it, and not bring it up. It always ends up coming up, though. We talked afterward, though, and we feel good about where we're headed. We're tired of allowing OTHER PEOPLE into our minds, thus allowing even the memory of them destroy us. We have to start trusting each other. He knows that respect goes hand in hand with that.

He's not going to find another job. I know that seems extreme anyway. I just have to trust him. So hard!


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
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"I know that seems extreme anyway."

Never think that anything is too extreme. It comes down to what's more important to him...his job or the woman who he's going to spend the rest of his life with. I know many people who have left their jobs because of infidelity, both physical and emotional.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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rick89,

Everyone knows you need to have trust and forgiveness to work together. It's just that IN THIS CASE if he's still working with the woman whom he has feelings for, it's like leaving a kid in the candy store and telling him not to touch. Better to not have the temptation in the first place.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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He says he doesn't have feelings for her. He says he was curious about where things would go with her, but he felt that way about anyone, since I was his only relationship ever. He's had a hard time understanding why it upsets me so much because 1, we were split up, 2, they never did so much as kiss or even talk on the phone, just texted, and hung out one time, 3, he was nowhere near being in love with her.

He also says that he never actually fell out of love with me, but was fed up and numb, and he wanted to come back pretty quickly, but couldn't let me know that.


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
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Jenna,

I can completely relate to how you feel about OW. In my case, my H did have (and maybe still does) have an EA, and I know that they kissed. H and OW work together very closely, they sit next to each other and are in constant communication.

I'm not in R, but my H has said a few times that "there's nothing there". However, he still wants to be "friends" with her, defends their "friendship", tells me I have no right to tell him who he can be friends with, and thinks I'm crazy about getting upset over OW. And he also doesn't think that he cheated. I know I'm a long ways away from R with that kind of mindset.

I wanted to say that I think it's ok to not want J talking to OW or hanging out with her. He broke your trust and it needs to be rebuilt. The problem is that it takes a long time to build that trust again and J needs to be fully cooperative and transparent in his activities. You can start by making a decision to trust, but the actual building of it is a long process. So don't expect to trust him again overnight.

I get that he's young and doesn't want to give up his social life. And he shouldn't have to give up his social life completely, but he does need to rearrange his priorities. He has a family now and he needs to put you and the kids first. Sure, he can go out for a drink or two, but the frequency and length of his outings could perhaps decrease a bit.


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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Thanks, NHM. J has said that they are friends, but in a purely casual way, and doesn't defend any kind of friendship with her. He says there's nothing there. I worry that there's nothing there purely because she denied him. Have to get over that.


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
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Posts: 1,119
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
rick89,

Everyone knows you need to have trust and forgiveness to work together. It's just that IN THIS CASE if he's still working with the woman whom he has feelings for, it's like leaving a kid in the candy store and telling him not to touch. Better to not have the temptation in the first place.


I guess if I relate it to me..in my W's OM sitch who is from my family...if he ever shows up anywhere near me...ass whooping time.....so in that regard I can understand jenna's pissed offness

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Jenna
Some tough love may be in order. First I want to touch on what the therapist said about you being a tad bit overbearing. This little detail seemed to be glossed over when you mention it.

Additionally I've noticed you have a huge preoccupation with the "so called OW". I say it this way because based on what you told us there was never anything going on, and if anything your BF probably struck out. IMHO the problem is not a fear that their relationship will suddenly spark into a full on affair. It's your own anger at J and feelings of inadequacy about him going for another woman that wasn't you. You are not worried about her, you are angry at him, and it shows in almost every post you write.

If you keep hounding him about it, he will leave again.

Look the vast majority of people here understand your pain, and we are happy and proud of you. I think you should step back and see if you are treating J like a man. This includes if you make him feel like a man.

I know I'm cherry picking from your posts, but you mentioned J is a push over, your therapist said you are very interrupting, and you wish J would man up. Could there be a chance that he is somehow intimidated by you?

I mention this since I see a chance of this being a feedback mechanism where J is intimidated so becomes a push over, only to irritate you about it, which makes you more angry, and him more compliant.

Eventually he either gets tired of it and leaves or cheats, or you get tired of him and leave yourself.

Bottomline I don't know how the dynamics work between you two, but some stuff kinda stuck out to me. Take some time to analyze how you treat each other and see if you two fall into unproductive patterns of dysfunction.

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