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#2230401 - 03/14/12 03:25 AM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
Just wanted to say that we had a great date night smile It was low key. Just what we needed.
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

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#2230429 - 03/14/12 09:33 AM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
Awesome, Jenna! Take one day at a time. smile
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



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#2230484 - 03/14/12 11:50 AM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Jenna333]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Baby steps jenna...time and patience....and you both have to learn trust. Contact with other members of opposite sex is not cheating..you have to trust if one or the other says that someone else is not a hookup or A then it isn't. look forward, not back. You're not cheating, either is he. Trust me, you guys need to get this!!!

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#2230559 - 03/14/12 02:51 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: rickb89]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10656
"Contact with other members of opposite sex is not cheating..you have to trust if one or the other says that someone else is not a hookup or A then it isn't."

Wrong.

He said he had feelings for this other woman... jenna feels uncomfortable about it...it's cheating.

It is her H's responsibility to leave his job because she feels uncomfortable.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2230615 - 03/14/12 05:17 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: MrBond]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
I'm talking about going forward for them ...don't base the boundaries you live by going forward based on what someone did in the past, or fear. I mean if he or she has a opposite sex friend then you shouldn't say its out of bounds because someone cheated in the past.

I mean no relationship can be successful based on mistrust

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#2230619 - 03/14/12 05:22 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: rickb89]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10656
And again, in this case she has a right to mistrust him. He has to earn her trust back. Not the other way around.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2230637 - 03/14/12 06:33 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: MrBond]
Walking Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 1194
Loc: Australia/Pacific
Quote:
It is her H's responsibility to leave his job because she feels uncomfortable.


Bond, I really respect you, but this kind of advice, to a very young woman, who is going through the process of developing her own boundaries and developing her own sense of self, sounds quite disempowering.

It reinforces Jenna's already distorted view, that she can't be happy and safe unless her husband is completely compliant, regardless of if her "feelings" are rational or not. That's codependent behaviour and not OK to set up for the future of a marriage.

This may be a little controversial, but It has always struck me that there is a disconnenct between the advice and support offered on this Board (Piecing) and other areas of the Forum. It's like when people get to piecing, the fundamental principles of DBing seem to become less important and posters feel entitled to exhale and dabble with a whole range of homespun and cobbled together realationship advice.

In my view, the fundamental principle of DBing, change your marriage outcome, by changing yourself is even more important to keeping ones sense of self during rebuilding a relationship than in the crisis stage.

Concepts like GAL (which are the first steps in differentiation in personal development terms), Act as If, leading to detachment, which is about self-validation and the ability to validate yourself no matter what your partner thinks of you; validating your partner and the new communication skills associated with that ..... I can't think of others off the top of my head, but you know what I mean.... are even more fundamental.

Jenna, I've been reading along and I have to say you remind me a lot of myself as a young woman.

Jenna, when I was about your age, I was married to a wonderful man. I loved him with my heart and soul. He was my morning, noon and night. He worked hard and was a good provider. He spent a lot of time with me and was loving and devoted. However, I was young and I'd learned in my family (mum and dad) that the way people demonstrate love is to be complete siamese twins. I devoted myself completely to loving him. I lost touch with my girlfriends and our friends became our "couple" friends, I lost interest in my hobbies and did things with him. My only independent activity was my career - and I could justify that to myself because that was earning money for "our" life.

My gorgeous husband loved golf. He really loved it. He loved the game and he was very good at it (he played off scratch). He loved the male companionship. He was a mans man and he really enjoyed and relaxed in the company of other men. He was the Treasurer of the Golf Club and it took up a bit of time, not much, but a bit. Like one night a week and every other Saturday. He had a few other interests that took a bit of time. Nothing outrageous, just time away from me.

Over the years, I wore him down. I manipulated him and told him how much it would show he loved me if he stopped being the Treasurer cause it was taking up so much of his precious time; those golf guys are using you darling, you do everything for them, make them pick up the slack for a year of so ...

I was so successful at making him into the man I thought I wanted him to be that in the year before we separated, 12 years married, I'd often be sitting across the dining room table from him and I could only see a shell of the vibrant, dynamic, busy man he'd been, stripped of his passions and interests, reliant on the energy we could muster up in our own little myopic world.

And I'd look at myself, a woman who when they started dating was racing off to the sub-continent to work with marginal womens groups in Pakistan, and advocating for refugees and LIVING. There I was, chained to the career ladder, a prostitute to whatever the company wanted, enjoying romantic dinners at boutique restaurants with my husband and lover every weekend ... with nothing to say to each other.

We've been divorced 6 years now. He's remarried and when he called me at Christmas he said something to the effect that life in his new marriage isn't perfect, but his wife is a florist and works a lot - so he's got alot of time for golf!!! It made me happy for him. and it made me very, very sad about how I'd treated him.

Jenna, before we really understand ourselves, we can sometimes thing that we can only be happy, if all the people in our life behave in a particular way. Our happiness, safety and security come from within our own hearts. We don't get it because our husband comes straight home from work. Sure, that may add to our sense of security - and it may be something you decide you need - but it may not be something that your H is able to give you - because he has needs too. and he has a right to want to go and have a drink after work with his friends. That's not disrespecting you. That's respecting his need for socialisation.

Jenna, if you can, spend some time with an IC to do some work on yourself to understand what you want and what you can do make the life for yourself that you want. Your husband is your life partner, and sure, he has a place in that - but girl you are still JENNA and you have a birth-rite to make the life for yourself that god breathed into you.

Take your focus OFF him and put it ON you.

Courage Jenna. V ((hugs & prayers))

He was also very good at
_________________________
V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.

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#2230639 - 03/14/12 06:37 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Walking]
Walking Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 1194
Loc: Australia/Pacific
sorry about horrible mistakes .... I'm on a train and forgot there was no edit feature anymore .... yukky. sorry.
_________________________
V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.

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#2230654 - 03/14/12 08:15 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: Walking]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10656
"sounds quite disempowering."

It's not disempowering at all. It is a boundary that she draws. She doesn't have to tell him to leave, it's merely a suggestion.

But let's be honest here. If your spouse told you that they had feelings for someone they worked for, enough to actually make them want to leave their marriage (wife and kid), would you want them to continue to work with that other person? Time and time again I've seen it on here. It's like a ticking time bomb.

Now he may be able to resist, which is fine. But there's always that temptation there. And as everyone knows, it's extremely difficult to R when the other person is still in the picture.

None of this goes contrary to DB. You continue to be the best person you are and likewise, the WAS also now has the incentive to be the best person they are. This includes respecting the insecurities of the other person. None of this changes overnight.

It's a matter of respect.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2230679 - 03/14/12 10:02 PM Re: Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing [Re: MrBond]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: MrBond
And again, in this case she has a right to mistrust him. He has to earn her trust back. Not the other way around.


And she cheated on him way back (no offense Jenna). I agree earn trust back and don't chain each other to the floor going forward because of the history. Maybe they can never forgive each other, maybe they can realize they were/are both growing up and that type of thing was to be expected in youth. I wouldn't expect either to be confortable with the old OM/OW hanging around either. Just trying to get them to consider the ramifications of not moving forward.

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