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#2235074 - 04/03/12 01:00 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8762
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Just keep doing what you're doing but don't take this things as an opportunity to pull closer. Maintain your distance and keep working on you.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2235093 - 04/03/12 02:18 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Well since I have been talking about the good things figure I have to let you in on the bad things as well.

W did not meet with a L on 3/26, she changed the date to 3/27. Told me it was just a consulation and cost her $150. Found out when we were going through the check book on Friday Night.

I received the e-mail on Friday accusing me of manipulating the children in order for her to stay.

On Friday I asked her why she was acting like the way she was, she said that the L told her that I was committing "financial abuse" with the way we were handling finances. When she thought about she became livid. I simply listened and validated.

I know that if I stop doing my 180's I will be much worse off. For once, I feel like the changes I have made in my life are going to make me a better person and father. It is so much easier when I am doing this for me and not to keep her from leaving.

I also know that if I attempt to analyze what she is doing or how she feels my head will explode.

Anxiety is an issue with me, I am waiting for the other proverbial foot to drop with this.

I will continue to take things day by day and keep on trying to distance myself emotionally from my W. However, I will still be active with the kids and house.

Does anyone have any other suggestions?
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2235098 - 04/03/12 02:33 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8762
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: Sad in WI
Well since I have been talking about the good things figure I have to let you in on the bad things as well.

W did not meet with a L on 3/26, she changed the date to 3/27. Told me it was just a consulation and cost her $150. Found out when we were going through the check book on Friday Night.
Everyone going through this should have a consultation with an attorney. It is what it is.

Quote:
I received the e-mail on Friday accusing me of manipulating the children in order for her to stay.
Her feelings are her feelings, and she probably does feel that way. You suddenly changed just when she had made a decision, now that makes her decision more difficult to follow through with.

Quote:
On Friday I asked her why she was acting like the way she was, she said that the L told her that I was committing "financial abuse" with the way we were handling finances. When she thought about she became livid. I simply listened and validated.
Were you committing financial abuse?
How did you validate what she was saying? What did you say?

Quote:
I know that if I stop doing my 180's I will be much worse off. For once, I feel like the changes I have made in my life are going to make me a better person and father. It is so much easier when I am doing this for me and not to keep her from leaving.
The most important line in this post.

Quote:
I also know that if I attempt to analyze what she is doing or how she feels my head will explode.

Anxiety is an issue with me, I am waiting for the other proverbial foot to drop with this.

I will continue to take things day by day and keep on trying to distance myself emotionally from my W. However, I will still be active with the kids and house.

Does anyone have any other suggestions?
Stay out of her head.

Have a great day, Holding Steady
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2235103 - 04/03/12 02:44 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
When she accused me of financil abuse this is how I reacted. First, I listened to get an idea where she was coming from.

Second, my reply was that I turned a blind eye to the finances and I was sorry. In the last six weeks I am beginning to understand why money was such an issue. I told her that I cannot go back in time, but I am appreciating that we have been able to talk about finances without it turning into a fight. Since the two of us have been working on the bills together the financial situation is improving and we are now cought up.

Also said since we have separate accounts I don't like having to write a check to her, it feels like I am giving an allowance. I have no problem with the money.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2235105 - 04/03/12 02:47 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8762
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Quote:
Also said since we have separate accounts I don't like having to write a check to her, it feels like I am giving an allowance.
Is this a check that goes in the joint acct to pay for household expenses?

If so, could you look at it as you would any other bill you pay? Try not to make a mountain out of a molehill.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2235130 - 04/03/12 04:18 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: labug]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Labug,

We have separate accounts. Her check goes into hers and my check goes into my account. The check is for the household bills. Not a big deal, just something that I would like to change, perhaps in the future.

SIW
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2235142 - 04/03/12 05:11 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
Sorry for the multiple posts, it is just sooooo much easier to vent on here than talk with W. I never thought that I would reveal some of the most personal problems with strangers I have never met.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2235196 - 04/03/12 08:30 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10769
"L told her that I was committing "financial abuse" with the way we were handling finances. When she thought about she became livid. I simply listened and validated."

Why on earth would you validate her accusing you of financial abuse? It doesn't matter that you weren't aware of the finances. You just agreed with her that you were committing fraud.

You validate her feelings, not when she accuses you of something that isn't necessarily true. It sounds like the L is getting your W all riled up.

In terms of her accusing you of manipulating the children, that's where you draw the line. When she starts going down that path, hold up your hand, state firmly that you are not manipulating the children and that is something that she is going to have to deal with.

She's still using you as a scapegoat for all her problems. There are times when you have to hit her with a truth dart. I found that when I did that with my W when she was at her worst, it actually made her stop. Be assertive. Be the man.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2235199 - 04/03/12 08:38 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: MrBond]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 225
I did think that the L got her riled up. Has not been the same since then.

I did tell her that any accusations of manipulation of the children is dispicable and how dare she say such a thing.

I really don't want to start a civil war with W over a consulation she has had with a L. At this point I have to let me actions speak for me, continue to be the best dad that I can be, help with the house and remain open with the finances. I am happy with my 180's and the GAL.
_________________________
M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8

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#2235202 - 04/03/12 08:52 PM Re: I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2 [Re: Sad in WI]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10769
"I did tell her that any accusations of manipulation of the children is dispicable and how dare she say such a thing."

No that was the wrong way to approach it. All she probably heard was you calling her despicable. I know it was her accusations you found despicable, but nonetheless all she heard was that word coming from you.

Here's something that made things easier for me when my W would start spewing her nonsense. When she would start her rant, I would look at her like one of those crazy people you see wandering the street just muttering to themselves. I would actually shake my head and pity her like I would those people. It made things so much less personal and even was laughable at times.

When she started to say things that were totally off base, I did the hand thing and told hit her with the truth dart. Start asserting yourself and you won't find yourself run over all the time.

The best way to defuse a bully is to stand up to them. Not fight them, but hold your ground.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
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