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This is the letter I ended up not sending:

Quote:
I'm feeling pretty raw right now. I try not to talk about my feelings or put pressure on you. I try, anyway. Right now I'm bursting at the seams. I try to distance myself emotionally, but still the Moon to my emotional tide is the hope that my children can grow up with an intact family. That hope comes and goes.

I wish that I could express my feelings about family and marriage without making you feel bad. I know you've made a very difficult choice. I know you don't want to hurt our kids. I know you don't want to hear this, but I don't think you accept the impact this will have on them. From what I can hear, you only accept the impossibility of saving our marriage. If you can't save the marriage, there is no use in torturing yourself over how we will be letting the kids down. I get that.

But I can't let it go. The thought haunts me constantly. I feel that if I can't give them this thing - a loving home, and a model of a healthy relationship - that I have failed them as a father in an unredeemable way. I can do my best, and I will, but this failure can not be erased. Step-dad and Step-mom don't fix it. And in the absence of a good model, the cylce usually passes down to the next generation.

I don't want this. But you do. You want a version of life that includes this. I have a hard time processing this. Obviously.

I want to be able to back off and just accept what you say, and give you what you ask for, without argument. It's not that easy. There is a lot that I can accept, but having two separate homes to bring our kids to is a line that is so hard for me to cross. When you say there is no other way, I take you at your word that that is how you feel.

That step will cause permanent damage to our children. S6 *needs* this to not happen. So yes, I try to find a way around.
W, I love you enough to let you go. I wish I could. I can not love anything in this world enough to let go of hope for our children.

I know you have tried, you are fed up, and you might just not have any left in you. I will follow you down that path when there is no other way. But I am asking you, on behalf of our future children, who are not yet here to speak to us, to take a peek with me down another path.

If you come with me for four sessions to meet with someone to find ways that we can keep chaos out of our children's lives that will allow you to feel comfortable in the house and feel that you are getting the space you need, I will feel that we really have done what we can to make this work. I feel a responsibilty to have tried that if at all possible. If it doesn't work and it really can't be done, then I will be convinced and we will build separate households.


I was angry (very angry) when I wrote it and I'm sure it's not my best work.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
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I'm dropping D15's meds at the house this evening after the little ones are in bed. D15 will be asleep, too.

I'm thinking about asking W if she can talk for a few minutes. I want to tell her I understand how important separating the finances is to her now. I'm going to tell her that I'm going to put together a plan and try to take on the debt we have.

Maybe I'll leave it at that. I want to touch on the pain from the invasion of privacy and how it isn't going away and how I'm going to search hard to see what I can do about it.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
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We did talk and it went better than I could have believed 48 hours ago. We communicated better about difficult issues than I remember doing in a long time.

It seems like there is some hope for the idea that she might be willing to talk to someone with me about ways to make our current arrangement work with kids in their own beds for the time being and not rushing on to get two separate houses.

I told her no pressure and I'm not asking her now, but I will probably ask her in two weeks unless she decides she wants to go sooner.


She also said that I don't have to not send her email, but I told her I'm going to keep that up for a while.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
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Glad it went better than expected. Hope the counseling ends up happening!


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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A lot of people here talk about cutting themselves off from their WAS. Phone calls to VM. Ignore Texts unless they are about the kids.

The attitude I have is that if W wants to reach out to me, I'm there. I respond in kind. I've learned not to ask for anything or to expect anything or to need anything. OK. Well, most days. I've made lots of slip-ups, but less and less often. If she wants to share that she has had a good day, I say, "Good for you!"

Laurie, my DB coach has never advocated going dark, even though D has been filed. "Will this thing I am about to do or say bring my wife closer or push her away?" That is the mantra. The talks about not pushing, and giving her room to be drawn back toward me.

She never says, "Don't pick up the phone." She says be polite. Listen.

I see W at the house pretty regularly. She might decide to hide or leave. That is my base expectation. I don't get upset if she decides not to engage the family. That's not the stage she's at. However, I am pleased if she decides to stay for a meal or help with bedtime.

A lot of posters on this board - the hard-liners - cut themselves off from the WAS until they can get to piecing. It seems angry and defensive at times. Yes, you have to protect yourself from the emotional roller-coaster.

But if you are detached enough from your spouse's actions, do you need such a hard line?


That said, my sitch isn't going all that great. Ups and downs and lots of days that I feel good, but W did just tell me she wants more space and she doesn't know how to get it because we interact with the kids so much.

I'm going to not go to church this Sunday so I don't see her there. I don't want to do that every week, but I want to give her something right away.

I wish she had a flag she would put out to let me know back off or stand still. I'm better at reading than I used to be. I think one of the problems we have really is that she is comfortable being around me right up until the moment that old pain comes forward and I'm just Too Close.

I think I may be able to take away a big part of the money issue so that doesn't come up to bite me/us. One issue I don't know how to make better is that she caught me spying on her and has become paranoid ever since. She probably wouldn't be paranoid if she wasn't carrying on an EA, but I can't fix that.

I think I've mentioned the EA twice in four months, and both times the message was that I acknowledge it's existence, but I don't want to talk about it, so I'm not putting a lot of pressure there. I think.

I suppose she knows I still judge her for it even if I'm not talking about it.

I don't know if there is a way for me to show her that I realize I made a mistake spying on her. I can't take it back.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
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Kids went to their Nana's house Saturday afternoon, so I missed out on one of my nights with the kids.

So, to give more space to W this weekend, I left the house when I was done with the kids and didn't come to church today, either. It was actually pretty liberating to have all that time on my hands. I had a pretty good GAL weekend.

I spent the weekend at my brother's house. It's only about a half hour from where I live, but that's far enough that it prevents us from spending a lot of time together. We spent a lot of time welding things onto and grinding things off of his dune-buggy-to-be. Also, I made a version of Asteroids on my laptop between other activities.

I haven't decided yet whether to skip church next Sunday. I don't want to do it every week.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
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Originally Posted By: AlwaysTrying
Kids went to their Nana's house Saturday afternoon, so I missed out on one of my nights with the kids.

So, to give more space to W this weekend, I left the house when I was done with the kids and didn't come to church today, either. It was actually pretty liberating to have all that time on my hands. I had a pretty good GAL weekend.

I spent the weekend at my brother's house. It's only about a half hour from where I live, but that's far enough that it prevents us from spending a lot of time together. We spent a lot of time welding things onto and grinding things off of his dune-buggy-to-be. Also, I made a version of Asteroids on my laptop between other activities.

I haven't decided yet whether to skip church next Sunday. I don't want to do it every week.


AlwaysTrying - Good job on getting out of the house. Maybe you can visit a few other churches on alternate Sundays. I am partial to my church, but visiting my friend's church helped give me a mental break from my sitch. Even if just for a couple of hours.


Me:37
H:GONE

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Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
[quote=AlwaysTrying]AlwaysTrying - Good job on getting out of the house. Maybe you can visit a few other churches on alternate Sundays. I am partial to my church, but visiting my friend's church helped give me a mental break from my sitch. Even if just for a couple of hours.


Thanks for the suggestion. It would be nice to get a break and still have that community connection.

I'm partial to my church because that's where my kids are, and where they are taking their religious education classes on Sunday mornings, and where the other families we interact with are, etc, etc.

Also, I go to a Unitarian Universalist church. It's a very different experience and I can't just go to the place down the street and get something out of it.

It's not that I'm looking for some way to spend my Sundays, because I don't have any trouble figuring that out. It's that I don't want to give up on seeing my kids on Sundays - I just want to find a way I can do it without stressing out my wife.

I want very much for our current separation to "work" - I want to give our R the time it needs to heal and make sure I have time and space to do the work I need to do without W having to escalate to dragging the kids into a two-house lifestyle.

Maybe I have to give up on seeing them Sundays. I don't know. I wish I was better at predicting when W is going to need more or less space.

She sat down with me to watch TV on purpose the other day... Friday night. She even stayed after I started watching a show she had already seen. She was calm and comfortable... and I was really nice having someone else on the couch with me. I considered putting on a different show - one she hadn't already seen, but I decided that would be too much like pursuing her to change the show to something that she would be more likely to stay around for.

I didn't want to make it seem like I was trying to make her stay. I was surprised she was with me at all after all she said about needing space this week. I do believe this warming of relations had a lot to do with my deciding to own the debt we have created.

But about 7 minutes into the show, the main characters started having a bitter feud over money they owed each other. W got really tense. I wish I had just acknowledged it directly to her and said something like, "Ugh, this is not what I'm in the mood for right now. I'm going to put on something else."

I was afraid of acting like I was pursuing and couldn't think of something witty to say, so instead I acted like I lost interest in the show and walked into the kitchen. I guess I really didn't want to be walked out on. As I was walking back, W said, "I'm going to go lie down."

She spent the next hour and a half in her room on her iPad. Probably talking to totally-not-an-EA-guy.

After that, I brought D15 home and started a movie with W watched for a while.


I guess I'm picking my wife's behavior apart a bit, but the picture that is forming for me is that, although things are often fine or even nice between W and I, the reason she most often needs space is that random events can trigger all of her anxiety about me in her life. I'm too tired to tell if I'm thinking straight right now. I have to go to bed!


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
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I just spent another Tuesday at the house making dinner, being with kids, cleaning up, with just a little chatting between W and I. No drama. No expectations.

Maybe I really am getting the gift of time. More days like this would be just fine.

It is sad to think that if I put half the effort into being a husband before that I put into being a person she'd be a fool to leave now... I wouldn't be here. It's so easy to take your life for granted and assume marriage is forever.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
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Glad you had a good evening. Was talking with Zig earlier on her post how I'm so much more aware of the little things now more than ever before. Regardless do what happens we can take that with us and enjoy more of life.

Keep at what you're doing. It seems to have some positive returns


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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