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danielf Offline OP
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I just purchased my first three-pack of DB coach sessions.
I will probably do the first session later this week, and I'll try to be prepared.


Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12
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great!!!

Write down at least 3 questions for them before hand. You'll give backstory, length of marriage, kids, prior separations or fights or traumas in life but don't get into too much history that isn't relevant to TODAY

tell them HER issues (ie, what she SAYS is wrong with you or the marriage)

how YOU see it and what is valid, versus fabrications, and what YOU want...

then they might ask you stuff

but make sure you get some specific advice about how to handle questions or situations that worry you the most.


I had some "mantras" ready and they helped me a lot. Either for me only

or for my kids or for my h in the event of an argument or uncomfortbable sitch.

Good luck!


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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danielf Offline OP
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Thanks! I'm looking forward to talking with Joanne on Wednesday. I'll write down some questions and conversations in advance.


Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12
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danielf Offline OP
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So, I think partly there is an element of me looking at these tools and methods, and less at the uniqueness of my situation.
I found a hammer, so I started pounding away as if everything was a nail.
I am glad that I have this week to let my brainstorm subside.
25y, I don't appreciate you suggesting that clarity isn't right around the corner. I really feel like I'm overwhelmed, like I'm really drowning. I suspect that what I need to do right now, in my marriage and my recovery (and with my kids, job, etc.), is to surrender.
I wish it were time for me to stand up and be a man. Grow a spine, enforce my boundaries...
I wish it were time for me to shine and be the man that I was made to be. Write, succeed, kick bad habits, win that woman back.
I suspect that this is the most important time in my life. In 20 years, I think that I will be a useful, solid man who impacts other people's lives with care and confidence and grace, or else a bit of a sniveler, that you'd prefer not to spend much time with given the choice.
What is so frightening to me is I can see either result proceeding from any of the paths I'm considering right now. And I don't really know how to make decisions like that. I'm too disconnected from my heart to know what feels right. I don't have experience enough. I've identified many wise voices that resonate with me, but also come to see a pattern in my life of giving up my decisions to others, which I am coming to regard as a tragedy.


Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12
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danielf Offline OP
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Just had my phone call. It is a sign of a messed up person that I feel relieved/proud that she said that I'm in a complicated situation.
A lot of where we got to was that I will be paying attention (and experimenting) very specifically in the coming weeks for exactly what I do and how she reacts.
Some things about going dark might not fit in my sitch, since inattention was part of what got us here. Those things will be part of my experimentation. Awareness is key.
I was a little disappointed at the end that I didn't have much more clarity on what to do in the future (like 25yrs said). We didn't get directly to my questions. I didn't feel direction and confidence at the end. But in the last half-hour there has been a dawning peace. I don't need specifics. I have been given a framework for how to move forward. It is a gift, and I am grateful and will use it wisely and the best that I can.


Me:33, W:32
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"25y, I don't appreciate you suggesting that clarity isn't right around the corner. "

She's right. It isn't. Clarity comes through with alot of trial and error. And no one gets it right off the bat. Especially someone who has only been at this for a couple of months. You were pretty rude.

"I wish it were time for me to stand up and be a man. Grow a spine, enforce my boundaries...
I wish it were time for me to shine and be the man that I was made to be. Write, succeed, kick bad habits, win that woman back."

So what's wrong with right now?

"In 20 years, I think that I will be a useful, solid man who impacts other people's lives with care and confidence and grace, or else a bit of a sniveler, that you'd prefer not to spend much time with given the choice."

Okay here's the 2x4. Alot of what you've posted is you feeling sorry for yourself. You have one of two choices. Either you can wallow in the hole that you find yourself in and just continue to sink. OR you can choose to look up at the opening of that hole and CHOOSE to claw your way out of it.

Look at yourself in the mirror. Do you see the MAN that you want your son to become? Do you see the man that you would want your daughter to marry?

If not, then CHOOSE to fight and become a better person. And there's no better time than right now.

I get the pity party. We've all been there. And your self-esteem has been shot, chewed up and spit out by your W's actions. I get it. Heck, my W had an A with her boss twice her age. It took me awhile to get over it, but I chose to be the better man now for my kids. They were my inspiration.

See what fires you up and do something about it.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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danielf Offline OP
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Bond, I was meaning to be joking. Sorry. Should have put on a eek
Please forgive me if I was rude. blush


Me:33, W:32
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I'm confused.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 128
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danielf Offline OP
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I am confused, too.

When I said earlier, "I don't appreciate..." I meant it to be joking. I knew you were just telling me the truth, and I do appreciate that. But it stings. I wish clarity were around the corner. That you've been there and tell me that it is not is disappointing, but just means I need to learn to move forward in the fog. Maybe "rely on my instruments" like a pilot in the clouds?

So, bond and 25yrs, thank you. If I was rude, please forgive me. It was unintended.

I guess that I have been pretty sorry for myself. Thank you for calling me out on that, and please keep me straight on this.

Basically, I do not feel that the life I want is a decision a way. I don't think I was bewailing that fact, just a little indecisive on the first steps to take. The direction one sets out in greatly affects the destination one arrives at.

But that assumes a methodology of "first one step, then another, then another..." This is related to the human pattern of doing what doesn't work, then doing more of what doesn't work.

My coach suggested for me (and this whole DB system is built on) a different framework. "First one step, then look around and see where it took you. Be aware. Now, what is your next step going to be?"

You guys know this: bond said "Clarity comes through with alot of trial and error. And no one gets it right off the bat."

But my listening skills need some work.

I am looking for someone to give me a map. There is no map. Nobody has ever been where I am. But I have been blessed to find some experienced orienteers who are friendly and willing to help me as I find my own way. Thank you. I am grateful.

My family will get back next week, and even between now and then I will be paying attention to what works and what doesn't work in life. When I ask to talk to the kids on the phone, how does W react? When I ask my S9 "So tell me about something that happened today?" do I get a preferable answer to when I ask "Are you having a good time." ("Yes" is easy to beat)

When I try to break my thoughts up and organize them, do I get better responses to my posts than when they are meandering and filled with whatever disappointment and desperation I am feeling when I write them? wink


Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12
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danielf Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: danielf
I am confused, too.
Basically, I do not feel that the life I want is a decision a way. I don't think I was bewailing that fact, just a little indecisive on the first steps to take. The direction one sets out in greatly affects the destination one arrives at.


I intended to write "I do not feel that the life I want is a decision [u][/u]away[b][/b]."
Meaning, although I feel the urge to summon all my forces and explode on a new course into the life I desire, I do not see where to direct all my efforts.

And the answer is, I don't need direction and guidance. I need courage and commitment.

And from this forum, I need to stop looking for advice and start using you for a sounding-board to help me to process my own decisions and observations. And please keep en-couraging me. I will certainly need heap loads of that.

Thanks.


Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12
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