Just journaling a bit so I can get my thoughts and feelings a bit sorted.
I've been feeling a bit melancholy the past couple of days. I think I need to do a bit more work on trying to detach. Yesterday was the first in a long time that I've cried about H and our sitch. I think the lonliness has finally caught up with me. Sundays are the worst for that. H takes D12 every sunday & I'm usually good about keeping myself busy and keeping my mind off things but yesterday just wasn't the case.
On Saturday night, H came over for dinner so we could celebrate his birthday. Right from the get go, he seemed annoyed to even be here. At H's request I made enchiladas and strawberry shortcake for dessert. I spent most of the day saturday cooking and baking, which I was more than happy to do although I don't think I got so much as a thank you from H. Which yes, I know...I did it for the pleasure of doing something nice for H, not so he would say thank you but some sort of acknowledgement might've been nice.
After dinner I made strawberry daiquiri's for us (virgin for D12, of course)...something that I've done often during the summers for after dinner. Although H didn't say it, it was obvious by his body language and facial expressions that he was irritated by this for some reason.
H ordered a PPV movie for the three of us to watch...I don't even know what it was, some sort of action flick with a lot of big names. At one point I got up to use the bathroom and as I was walking behind the sofa to get back to my seat, I casually reached over and playfully tickled the back of H's head as I walked by. He recoiled. I felt like a total idiot. At some point during the movie I fell asleep and woke up just as it was ending. The credits were barely playing and H was already out the door.
After he left, I sent him a quick text apologizing for falling asleep, that it was kind of rude of me. No response.
I'm trying not to have any expectations. I didn't think I had any. But obviously I must if I'm feeling this disappointed about how the night went.
This past week in therapy I uncovered that I'm seriously afraid of H's temper and moods. Not because of anything he's ever done, but because of how I was raised and pretty much conditioned to be hypervigiliant about picking up on other's moods so I can predict outcomes and keep myself safe. So I don't know if that's part of why I'm feeling so glum, if it's just an unconcious reaction to his mood (which clearly I need to work on, whether that's the case or not) or if I'm disappointed in how the evening went because I was holding onto expectations.
I'm just feeling so discouraged right now.
H also said something that really struck a chord. I can't even remember what it was that we were talking about but even at the time I thought to myself, "Wow. That was really insensitive and out of left field." I don't recall verbatim what he said but it was something to the effect that he figures all his mental health problems were a result of holding in his feelings about me and our M and now that that's no longer the case, he's fine now.
Yet he's currently talking four different psychiatric drugs, one of which is an antipsychotic. But he's fine now...
Did I mention that my MIL is back in town?
And the rollercoaster is back in business. Coincidence?
He's left this morning to go out of town this week for work. I sent him a text last night asking him to drive safe & have a good week. No response.
I need to re-read DB and DR. It's time to re-evaluate the sitch and come up with a better strategy. Maybe it's time to go dim again.
Things were going so well too.
M:36 WAH:41 M:16 T:17 D:12 SS:21 Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11 Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
Well I seem to be pulling out of this funk I've been in the past few days. I spent most of Monday texting with H back & forth. By the end of the night I was completely drained but couldn't sleep because I was still so upset and couldn't stop ruminating about the events and my feelings over the course of the previous few days.
I apologized to him for whatever I've done to get him so upset with me. On Tuesday I spent my therapy session talking about how this has been a life-long pattern of mine: somebody acts like a jerk towards me & my immediate reaction to it is to assume that I've done something to cause it so I apologize and try to fix it. Even when it's blaringly obvious that I've done nothing to provoke such behaviour from the other person. I know where it comes from, it's just a matter of slowing myself down enough to recognize it and objectively evaluate the situation before jumping into accepting responsibility and trying to fix it. It's also a matter of me growing the gonads to confront the other person on their offending behaviour & making it clear that it's not ok with me. My fear holds me back. Fear of what, I'm not really sure yet. I do know that I hate confrontation. It's something I'll need to explore further.
My therapist suggested that H knows this pattern of mine & uses it to his advantage to avoid taking responsibility for his own actions. She has a point. He admitted that he was acting like a royal class jacka** yet never did apologize for it. He said that he was trying to control my feelings so I wouldn't get hurt. My response to him was that I couldn't understand the logic of how acting like a moody jerk was supposed to be for my benefit or to protect my feelings. He told me that he wasn't being mean on purpose, that I misunderstood him but he would make a better effort at being kind.
I didn't respond. I didn't see the point. In one breath he tells me he's being a jerk to control my feelings, which implies concious thought, and then in the next he tells me he's not doing it on purpose. It can't be both, dude. So which is it? Whatever. I saw no point in going over it, he said he'll stop trying to control my feelings (whatever that even means) and that he'll start being nicer. Now I just wait and see what happens and see if he follows through.
Last night H forwarded me some emails about D's baseball & that her coach needed written confirmation for the league that we would commit to attending provincials should her team qualify & that he needed this by tomorrow (today). I sent H a text telling him that D has been sick the past few days, hasn't been to school all week, didn't go to ball on Tuesday and likely wouldn't be going Thursday either so I wouldn't be there to sign the papers her coach needed. Surprisingly, he responded right away asking if I've caught this bug too and if I'm feeling ok.
So he is at least making an effort.
It's been a draining week. I'm glad it's close to being over.
M:36 WAH:41 M:16 T:17 D:12 SS:21 Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11 Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
I haven't been around much. I'm still somewhat stuck in this funk. Maybe it's the weather here, I don't know.
Since the whole fiasco with H's birthday my feelings are starting to change. I don't know if it's that I've come to a point of reaching true detachment or that I'm giving up. I'm just so tired of making all this effort to cultivate a friendship with H and see little to no reciprocation. Maybe H just is that crappy of a friend. Whatever the case may be, I'm not going to make room in my life for any one-sided relationships. I'm just done with this roller coaster. It's time to get off the ride, to step back and just see what happens.
Since then, I've limited all communication with H to things regarding D. I just don't have the energy for anything more. It wasn't a concious descision to go dark, it just sort of happened. Even the energy to act as if has gone out the window.
My wedding anniversary was on friday. Perhaps that's what has got me so down lately - just the anticipation of what I've known was going to be a hard day. I know I should've planned to fill my day and evening with GAL activities, but I didn't. I just. did. not. feel. like. it. Which is ok anyway, because without even thinking about anything regarding my M or separation, the tears just kept coming.
It didn't help matters that my realtor kept calling me all morning about about a couple who had been to the house for three showings last week had narrowed their search to ours & another house & were expected to make a descision that day. I just kept thinking, "No, God. Not today, please?" I kept thinking that it would have to be some sort of cosmic joke to have to sit through my realtor presenting an offer and negotiating a sale on my wedding anniversary. It didn't happen. Thank you, God. I don't think I would have been able to do it. Sometimes my prayers do work out the way I ask...
Then H caught me off guard that afternoon with a text saying that he would be coming by within the hour to mow the lawn. He usually does this on saturday mornings so I was a bit confused, I really didn't want to see him. I asked him why he was coming over on a friday to do it & he said that the weather forecast was for rain so he wanted to get it done while he could. I don't know what forecast he was checking, there was only a 30% POP in the ones I checked.
A few weeks ago I was contemplating what to do, if anything, for H on our anniversary. Thank you to those who chimed in. I didn't bother with a card or gift. Later that evening I sent H a text saying, "although there's nothing to celebrate, I don't want the day to go by without acknowledging it. Because it's not meaningless. Happy June 8th."
He responded by saying, "You too and you're right. But it's not necessarily happy." It's the first time since he's left that he's shown any indication that our situation hurts him too.
Of course, my feelings are subject to change at any given time. But at this point I think I may have dropped the rope. I'm just too tired to keep putting the same effort into it as I have been. Of course I'd love to see my M work out. But if it doesn't, I'm ok with that too.
M:36 WAH:41 M:16 T:17 D:12 SS:21 Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11 Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
Dory, I read your last few posts and maybe your H is just not a nice guy? Maybe he's just a selfish jerk and will not be happy with anyone but will try to hurt another for it?
It's hard to face that especially, when there are kids involved. But your own mental health is the most important thing for you and your D.
((()))
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I'm just so tired of making all this effort to cultivate a friendship with H and see little to no reciprocation. Maybe H just is that crappy of a friend. Whatever the case may be, I'm not going to make room in my life for any one-sided relationships. I'm just done with this roller coaster. It's time to get off the ride, to step back and just see what happens.
Hi Lost, I've just read a bit on your sitch and wanted to comment. I don't know if you're read a lot about pursuit and distance, there'a a lot of good link on the board about it. But basically you need to stop making the effort for a few reasons but mainly for your own emotional health. IE if you're not putting yourself out there then you can't be hurt if he doesn't respond how you want.
My IC told me when I was going on and on about what H doesn't do she said maybe you don't give him the chance. I remember clearly 4 days after he moved out, he'd made plans to come over and spend time with us. IC had told me to just leave him alone, give him space, and see if he'd come to me. This was before I found the board and before I'd read DR and the idea was SCARY because of my neediness and control issues. Sure enough he did make plans. Then the day came and I hadn't heard from him, I didn't know what time he was even coming over and I was nervous and anxious and then angry. I told myself NOT to contact him and as soon as I made that decision he texted and said be at yours in 20 mins? If I had contacted him I would have always wondered if he had remembered or not, if he wanted to or not etc. It was the first of very very small moments.
And trust me when you detach and you stop pursuing they will notice. Just today I was thinking how are we even having a friendship. But last week he texted me out the blue about an important occasion in my professional life and today for no reason with a little joke. In between then I've heard from once, he made plans, came over, did some gardening and left. But how much better do I feel that this was all initiated BY him not me.
And everytime he texts or make plans it's because he's making a concious decision to spend time with me. You have to give them that space so that they'll miss you.
Also I think that when we do too much like at the birthday they can react badly because they feel guilty. Here you are being so nice and lovely and doing things that you the two of you used to do together and meanwhile they have ended the M.
Going dim/dark and detaching will be good for you mentally and for your friendship. You want him to initiate the contact and to miss you. And he can't do that if you're always there.
Also my IC told me that men are sometimes like rubber bands they can have a spell of being all over you and then stretch far away and then come back. She said that sometimes they need to go away and think about things.
I just realized that when I was "doing to much" to cultivate the friendship that everytime he saw a text from me or something he might be like what does she want now? And that's not how I want him to feel when I contact him.
