Stuck in a mess

[luvless]

sorry you are here Dory

the most important thing is to work on yourself

hugs

[Denver_2010]

Hi Dory. I have been scouring my old threads for a few things that might help you. I just came across some personal goals that I set for myself in the early days. Maybe they will be useful to you.

"My goals:

1. Become a better person;
2. Learn to control my ego;
3. Learn what love means to me;
4. Learn to love my W unconditionally;
5. To become a better H;
6. Learn to be more in control of my personal happiness;
7. Understand my share in the breakdown of my M;
8. To be resilient through the worst disaster of my life - the breakdown of M;
9 To be strong and confident through this;
10. To maintain hope no matter how dark things may become in the future."

Denver

[Truegritter]

dory

I haven't read the whole story but I will. There are great people here.

Keep posting.

Hi Denver good to see you!

[Denver_2010]

dory

I haven't read the whole story but I will. There are great people here.

Keep posting.

Hi Denver good to see you!

Great to see you too Gritter!!!

Here is something that helped me tremendously Dory:

The Lighthouse

Your spouse is in huge conflict. The good news is; and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now. The competition that we believe exists with the Other Person is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world. It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.

Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now. Though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong, they do not like what they are doing.

Their actions toward you, the children, the Other Person, and themselves, as well as God, keep them from engaging in any type of real interaction with any real depth and truth.

All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life. Yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lies down, regardless of whom is next to them.

They are the living cliche of 'no matter where you go, there you are.'

They are lost to themselves.

And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home, even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing the beacon.

You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.

Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.

You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them toward it. Let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.

You cannot trust them right now, but you know that, so they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better.

You show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. Set clear boundaries that the Other Person is not part of your children's lives...without Love Busting. Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the Other Person is to have no access to them. You fill the children's lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.

Do not discuss or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.

Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is ok. No one can stay very long in that chaos. Remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos, and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.

Be the lighthouse.

[NLW]

Denver,

Just wanted to pop in here to say: This post is inspirational.

Such an important perspective.

Thank you very much.

NLW

[Cadet]

Oh look at that! I'm off moderation. Yay for me!

OK glad you are off too, sorry you got ignored but it is not intentional believe me.

Keep posting and you will start to move forward, selling the house is the pits.

What are you doing for you?

[Dory]

I'm going to have to do a fly-by post here as I am short on time this morning.

Hi Dory. I have been scouring my old threads for a few things that might help you. I just came across some personal goals that I set for myself in the early days. Maybe they will be useful to you.

"My goals:

1. Become a better person;
2. Learn to control my ego;
3. Learn what love means to me;
4. Learn to love my W unconditionally;
5. To become a better H;
6. Learn to be more in control of my personal happiness;
7. Understand my share in the breakdown of my M;
8. To be resilient through the worst disaster of my life - the breakdown of M;
9 To be strong and confident through this;
10. To maintain hope no matter how dark things may become in the future."

Denver

Thanks Denver, I appreciate your input. I'm assuming you mean that I should also be setting personal goals for myself?

With the help of my therapist, for the most part I have been doing just that, although I admit, our sessions for the past 4 1/2 months have been mostly focused on me trying to regain my footing after my marriage falling apart & trying to dissect what went wrong in hopes of not repeating the same mistakes. According to my therapist, my H's illness throws a monkey wrench into the situation, as she doesn't know him other than what I've told her & it's hard to predict his behaviour & reactions while he's still chemically unbalanced.

So my personal goals for myself are fairly in line with what you have written for yourself. So thank you for the reminder. I do sometimes have a tendency to get overly focused on some things and in the meantime, allow other things fall by the wayside. I have to learn to keep reminding myself to keep looking at the bigger picture and strive for better balance in my life.

I will post some more responses to each of you later today when I have more time. But thank you everyone so far for your input/advice, I really do appreciate it!

[Denver_2010]

Thanks Denver, I appreciate your input. I'm assuming you mean that I should also be setting personal goals for myself?

Yes. You can't control your H, his actions, words, choices, or feelings. Setting goals for yourself helps you focus. Usually these goals will only help your marital issues, but focusing on them as personal goals is a good way to go about it.

I must admit that later in my sitch, I added an 11th goal... "Save my F'n Marriage"... LOL... Obviously, that is the reason that we all ended up here on this site.

[Dory]

I must admit that later in my sitch, I added an 11th goal... "Save my F'n Marriage"... LOL... Obviously, that is the reason that we all ended up here on this site.

Thanks for the laugh, Denver! I really needed that! I'll have to look up your previous posts & read up on your sitch. It sounds like you and your W are piecing? If that's the case, I think that's fantastic!

I wasn't able to get back here yesterday. I had an intense therapy session & ended up having to white-knuckle it on the way home since it was snowing. So I'll add to my personal goals: Must become more confident while driving in winter conditions. Maybe a driving lesson or two is in my future...a bit of a sad state of affairs seeing that I'm Canadian.

So I was pretty exhausted by the time I got home. Then I noticed that the cat had spent the previous night & most of the day yesterday shut in one of the bedrooms in the basement & peed all over the recliner - so the room absolutely reeks of cat urine. I texted H & asked him if he could help me move the chair up into the garage so hopefully I can clean it & get the smell out. He's coming over tonight to get that done and is going to stay for dinner. D12 has been bugging me for the past couple of weeks to order Chinese & I've been hesitant because of the amount of leftovers & I don't like food going to waste. So it seemed like a good enough reason to invite H to stay & join us for dinner. He accepted the invitation.

Now, I know this ^^^ comes across as pursuing...

At what point is it ok (if ever) to go against some of the 37 rules? The past several weeks H has accepted every invitation for dinner (only 3 since New Year's). I've been trying to play it cool and keep it all to a minimum as I don't want to re-engage in the pursuer/distancer dance. I'm trying to take it as slow as I can & it seems to be working but I am so afraid of messing this up & having to start all over again. Any advice from some more experienced DB'ers?

I also wanted to add that I am 99.9% certain that there is no OW. I really don't believe that H is capable of it. H has some pretty strong opinions about infidelity (FIL cheated on MIL & H's XW did the same with H's former best friend) as well as strong opinions about those who engage in it. If anything, my main competition for H's attention has been his work. He's very career oriented.

It's funny...last weekend when H was here I caught myself just staring at him a couple of times & thinking to myself, "He's so cute!" ... like I'm some sort of googly eyed teenager. Geez, Louise! I need to get a grip.

[Dory]

What are you doing for you?

Going to therapy is my main thing right now. I've been doing some CBT work & the exercises/homework my T gives me takes up a good amount of my time. Some of my homework includes reading self help books she's recommended.

I've changed my hair colour.

I've been looking into going back to school & figuring out what upgrading I'd need to make this a possibility.

I've replaced my wardrobe.

I've been going out with/keeping in touch with friends more than I have in the past.

Although I haven't been able to yet, I do plan on getting back to the gym daily (as I once was) as soon as my AD's kick in & my energy and motivation return.