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#2231942 - 03/19/12 10:36 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Dory]
Denver_2010 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/10
Posts: 3029
Loc: Colorado
Try not to figure it out. Useless waste of time and energy. If he begins to turn, you will know. Keep detaching and LRTing. You'll know soon enough if it is working.
_________________________
Me 39
W 34
Ss 13
M 3
T 9
Bomb 11/1/2010
EA/PA
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012

Just Persevere

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#2232642 - 03/22/12 01:17 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Denver_2010]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Hey everyone,

I could use a little advice about how to handle something regarding my H, my inlaws & boundaries.

I just spoke to my realtor. Apparently my inlaws have taken it upon themselves to email our realtor (&cc'd H) with a laundry list of complaints about our listing, the photos & how it's worded & demanding it be corrected their way.

I am at a loss as to what to do, if anything about this. H has some real problems with drawing boundaries with his parents & it's been a huge issue during the course of our marriage. Any boundaries I have tried to set myself (for instance, not answering the door when they show up unnanounced, after being asked to call first.) has been met with anger and me being labelled as "mean & unreasonable".

At this juncture, especially regarding H's mental health issues, and their inability/unwillingness to even acknowledge them, I believe that their interference lack of respect that H is an automonous indivudal could eventually lead H back over the edge.

I'm tempted to flash off an email telling them to back off, that this isn't their situation to handle & that I resent their interference, however I do not want to go over H's head. I can also just try to talk to H about it, but it is not consistent with my 180 of avoiding any complaints to H about his parents' behaviour.

That being said, I think this time, they have gone way too far.

Any suggestions? I'm really at a loss as to what to do.
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

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#2232644 - 03/22/12 01:22 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Dory]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9878
Tell your H first. Then if he refuses, you talk to your in-laws directly. Tell them that you appreciate their help, but it is your home and would like to take care of things yourself with your H. Say it firmly.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2232865 - 03/23/12 02:31 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: MrBond]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Thanks, MrBond. I just wasn't sure, considering my 180 to avoid the topic of my IL's.

I spoke to H on the phone about it yesterday. I did manage to stay calm about it, so at least the 180 wasn't completely dropped.

It wasn't terrible, but it could've gone better...

I started off the convo saying that it was hard for me to bring it up, I didn't want to upset him but I felt it was too important to me to just let it go. That IL's interference in our business has been an ongoing issue in our M and that previously, out of respect for his wishes, I had let things slide and never said anything to them about my feelings - which I believe now was a mistake as IL's behaviour has escalated to now what I see as blatant meddling.

H was annoyed and became very defensive. He felt that his parents were only trying to help, that they had done nothing wrong & that they were offering constructive feedback. That that's what people do when you put your house on the market, they look at the listing and give their opinions about it.

My response to that was that I never asked for their opinion and our realtor never asked for their opinion (I'm almost certain that H never asked for their opinion either, but didn't say that). I asked him if he remembered some of the things we had discussed with our realtor on the day that we signed our contract. (the weather was dark and horrible that day & our realtor had already said that he would return once it brightened up to re-take photos so they would appear better in the listing but it was better to at least have something initially, rather than nothing).

He said he remembered.

I told him that I felt that sending the email was insulting to our ability to handle things on our own as adults, and the content was insulting to our realtor and his capabilities and knowledge of how to do his job.

I said that there was nothing I could do about his own willingness or unwillingness to accept this sort of behaviour from his parents, it was his choice; But that it just isn't something I can tolerate any more. That when it involves me and effects me and my business, it just couldn't happen anymore. I told him that I would leave it up to him how to handle it. If he wasn't comfortable telling his parents to back off, that I would do it. But that something needed to be done.

H spewed off a pot shot about my parents, saying that at least his parents are better parents than mine, which I ignored. (It's comparing apples to oranges. My parents were physically & emotionally abusive up until I cut off contact with them several years ago)

Then there was a looooong pause...

H then said that he would make sure that anything they did in the future wouldn't effect me.

I told him that I was getting the impression that he thought I was being ridiculous or unreasonable and asked him if that was the case. (his tone was setting off some red flags, which is why I asked him this)

Another long pause...

He said he disagreed with me, he didn't think that his parents were being intrusive. But he understood that my perspective was different. That since I felt that my business was being infringed upon, it wasn't ridiculous or unreasonable.

I then expressed to H that I had some very real fears about things between us going south. That based on past experience, things between us have quickly become hostile when his parents involved themselves in descisions that should be made between himself and I. I used Christmas as the most recent example. (Christmas was an absolute disaster & H even agreed that his parents and sister were manipulating us both to fuel our anger and manipulate the situation to suit their own adjenda. In the end, it was D12 was the one who was hurt the most). I told him that I'm happy with how well we are relating with each other and didn't want to see that become compromised.

H let out a huge sigh. "I said I would make sure that you wouldn't be effected by them in the future, what more do you want?"

I told him that I didn't feel like I was being heard.

H then said that he's also happy with how well we are getting along lately and starting to rebuild a friendship.

I thanked him for that.

We then talked a bit about D12 and what was going on with her, about my therapy lately, about his current psych issues (which now has me worried even more about him), about a couple of showings and the open house our realtor has planned for the weekend.

So the conversation at least ended on a good note. Then later last night we had a short text exchange about some of my therapy homework that ended with us saying goodnight to each other.

What an emotionally exhausting day. I really hate rollercoasters.
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

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#2232887 - 03/23/12 03:57 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Dory]
Denver_2010 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/10
Posts: 3029
Loc: Colorado
Originally Posted By: Dory
H then said that he would make sure that anything they did in the future wouldn't effect me.


Should have ended the conversation right here.


[/quote] I told him that I was getting the impression that he thought I was being ridiculous or unreasonable and asked him if that was the case. (his tone was setting off some red flags, which is why I asked him this)

Another long pause...

He said he disagreed with me, he didn't think that his parents were being intrusive. But he understood that my perspective was different. That since I felt that my business was being infringed upon, it wasn't ridiculous or unreasonable.

I then expressed to H that I had some very real fears about things between us going south. That based on past experience, things between us have quickly become hostile when his parents involved themselves in descisions that should be made between himself and I. I used Christmas as the most recent example. (Christmas was an absolute disaster & H even agreed that his parents and sister were manipulating us both to fuel our anger and manipulate the situation to suit their own adjenda. In the end, it was D12 was the one who was hurt the most). I told him that I'm happy with how well we are relating with each other and didn't want to see that become compromised.

H let out a huge sigh. "I said I would make sure that you wouldn't be effected by them in the future, what more do you want?"

I told him that I didn't feel like I was being heard.

H then said that he's also happy with how well we are getting along lately and starting to rebuild a friendship.

I thanked him for that.
[/quote]

All of this ^^^? Pressuring and nagging behavior. Sorry Dory. After he said that he'd make sure that it didn't happen anymore, you sought affirmation from him and began R talk. Stop.

Sorry for the 2x4 Dory. JMO.

Denver
_________________________
Me 39
W 34
Ss 13
M 3
T 9
Bomb 11/1/2010
EA/PA
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012

Just Persevere

Top
#2232899 - 03/23/12 04:37 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Denver_2010]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
No, Please don't apologize Denver! This is exactly why I posted what I could remember about our convo, is to get feedback. 2x4's are completely welcomed!

At the time, it just seemed to be the natural flow of how our conversations usually go when we hit a hiccup, but I can definitely see now how it comes across as pressuring/nagging on my part. My bad. No wonder H's tone was the way it was, it's all just more of the same on my part.

Ugh, it's so obvious how insecure I really am. And I thought I hid it so well...clearly it's time for me to redirect some of my focus to taming my insecurities.

Thanks again, Denver! I honestly wouldn't have seen it without having it pointed out to me. I appreciate your help.
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

Top
#2233699 - 03/27/12 12:46 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Dory]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
journaling:

In terms of personal development, the past week or so has been pretty exciting for me. I've been reading Melody Beattie's Codependent No More and at the risk of sounding melodramatic, I can see that it's becoming one of those life changing books that's (hopefully permanently) shifting my way of thinking.

My insight is expanding and my perspective on how I'm viewing myself and those around me is changing in ways that I had never before imagined. It's hard to explain, but I am definitely feeling a lightness in being able to put down emotions I've insisted on carrying with me for most of my life.

Then last night I was watching the season premiere of Oprah's Lifeclass. Iyanla Vanzant (love her!) was on the show talking about working through emotional pain, past or present. I cannot even begin to count the number of things she said that resonated with me. One of the things she said that struck a chord, which relates to my struggles with codependence & was in reference to Psalm 23:5, is that there's a personal responsibility to keep your cup full to overflowing: What's in the cup is for you to keep, what overflows is for everybody else. Wow!

Then there was a gentleman on the show who spoke about his struggles with being emotionally stuck in his inability to move forward and beyond his past mistakes of struggling with alcoholism, despite maintaining sobriety for over ten years. He felt his life was still in shambles, he would be homeless if it weren't for his adult daughter giving him her sofa to sleep on, he had difficulty gaining and maintaining employment, etc, etc...Iyanla Vanzant said something to him that I will never forget: "You're stuck because you've become addicted to your story." Another wow!

Anyway, after the week I've had reading this new book, combined with the insights I've gained after watching Oprah's Lifeclass last night, I became very excited about what I've learned and how positive I was feeling. I SO wanted to call H and talk to him about it. I didn't. I realized that after seventeen years, for the first time I no longer have him as my "go to" person to share and discuss these sorts of things with. Although it didn't squash my excitement, it certainly added an element of sadness, loss and lonliness. It occured to me that at this moment in my life I no longer have a "go to" person. Another void I've begun to realize. More reason to miss my H.
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

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#2233721 - 03/27/12 02:48 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Dory]
Denver_2010 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/10
Posts: 3029
Loc: Colorado
And more reason to realize that you don't really NEED a 'go to' person. We WANT that, but we don't NEED it Dory.
_________________________
Me 39
W 34
Ss 13
M 3
T 9
Bomb 11/1/2010
EA/PA
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012

Just Persevere

Top
#2233731 - 03/27/12 03:29 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Denver_2010]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Absolutely Denver.

The thing is, this is such a foreign thing for me. I just have to sit with it and let the feelings about it come.

I was still a teenager when I met my H and married young so I don't know adult life without a "go to" person. I'm learning very quickly that because I married so young, there's certain rites of passage that most go through that I have yet to experience, until now. Experiencing pure independence, being only one. It's just all so different from anything I've ever known. Not bad or good necessarily, just different. If that makes any sense?
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

Top
#2233785 - 03/27/12 07:14 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Dory]
Denver_2010 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/10
Posts: 3029
Loc: Colorado
It makes perfect sense Dory. And I think that you are doing great!

Denver
_________________________
Me 39
W 34
Ss 13
M 3
T 9
Bomb 11/1/2010
EA/PA
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012

Just Persevere

Top
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