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Hrm,

Sorry that you find yourself here. The best thing you can do right now is look out for yourself because no one else will do it for you, especially your H.

Read Cadets resources. They are very helpful.

Burn the 37 rules into your memory and no matter how much you doubt them or feel like breaking them, DON'T! Trust me, been there, done that, made the situation a whole lot worse.

As hard as it is to do, don't be afraid. You can do this.

Good luck! We are all here for you.


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Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10
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It's always so nice to hear from people who are not having a break from reality. Thank you all for helping keep me grounded. So tonight after last nights horrible conversation, was well, interesting. When I got home from the gym he was at his usual spot watching tv, but he spun around real quick and told me there was pizza in the fridge if I wanted any, and he bought laundry detergent (which I am welcome to use if I want). Later he came back to the room I was in and apologized for the way he acted last night and said we are adults and we can deal with this like adults. I told him I forgive him, he said he didn't want me to forgive him. So I am very skeptical of this..... I also noticed he talked to his mommy for 45 minutes tonight. I have suspicions she told him to play nice so he will get his way. I know she wasn't singing my praises.

It makes me kinda laugh,cause during last nights converstation he told me I'm "sick because I won't accept the relationship is over". lol yeah someone is sick, but it's not me....... Just saying..... Oh the fun of the twists and turns and ups and downs of this crisis roller coaster!

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So.... today....well.... I would like to just go and punch him in the face..... I wouldn't actually do that, but you get the point. I don't know why, but today I'm just furious at him.... perhaps it's because I hate teenagers, and a grown man who acts like a teenager is faaaaar worse. God's sense of humor is not so funny, no there will be no baby for you, but your husband will turn into a teenager, just because you hate that stage of development, have fun with that! Oh and then as if that's not enough to be treated like crap by the person who pledged to spend forever with you decides one day it's just over, nothing to work on, nothing to fix, just peace out you'll understand, and accept it eventually, we are gonna add a whole bunch of other crap that's really really stressful but you can't control, so have fun with that!!!


I know I shouldn't think about how horrible and how unfair it is, but well today I can't stop. And since I can't go over there and talk any sense into Mr. break with reality, or shake some sense into him, or even have a conversation with him because I have gone from best friend to enemy, I have to vent here, cause sobbing myself to sleep he would probably hear through the wall..... oh this sadness is just too much tonight.... will anything ever get better???

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I am sorry you are hurting so bad. It will get better. It is very hard, but it will get better.

I hate crying so much. I used to think the song 9,999,999 Tears to go was stupid. Now I think it is possible!

But you will feel better. Journal, write on here, phone a friend. You will feel like you are wearing them out. That is what friends are for!

Hang in there!


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
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Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
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I'm so conflicted today..... I really do feel like I live in crazytown.... I have been reading a lot on here, and the one thing that's been bothering me a lot lately is why is he acting normal with everyone else? Why do I get to be the one stuck with the body snatcher, and treated like someone he hates instead of the best friend I was....... I just can't wrap my head around how he can have perfectly normal conversations with his family (he's with his brothers a lot). Like when did they get so special? And when did I turn into the enemy??? How does that freaking happen??


I have also been seeing more and more of the teenager behavior.... again, I just don't get it. I know I know, don't try and figure him out, get a life, I get that, and I have been doing that, but it just creeps back into my head how messed up this whole thing is and how I deserve so much better than this.... all the love and support over the years and I get treated worse than an enemy.... I know life's not fair, but really this is just all too much!

I just keep telling myself someday he is going to realize how bad he has screwed up (I don't know if it will be too late by then or not), but still it just hurts so much seeing and hearing other people in his life being treated so well and me being ignored, and projected on, etc.

I'm sure I'm thinking about this more because tomorrow is his mommy's birthday and I'm sure she will get more than the "for what it's worth Happy Birthday" I got for my birthday back in November. And it's worse because she is a negative, judgmental, bitch...... Also today is 5 months since "bomb drop".

Any words of wisdom or just to know I'm not the only one living in or who has lived in crazytown would be nice......

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I don't think they fully realize what they are doing to us, at least consciously. I think that maybe one reason it is because somewhere deep inside, they know what they are doing is wrong, unfair, etc. But, they rewrite history and take all our flaws during the M and amplify them (does this amp have an "11" knob?).

They see us as a controller, parent...a reminder that there are things in real life that need attending to, that are not all fun and easy (like bills, debt, taxes, kids and so forth...you know... RESPONSIBILITY...that is what we represent to them) Like some teenagers, they resist that. The TV told them that life was all fun and all, or something...and they just will not accept that, yet....idk.

I have found for myself, thinking of them as a teenager helps (luckily we had just gone through that with our oldest in the last few years, so had some on-the-job training). smile

I feel for you, I miss my best friend, partner in conquering life's curve balls, etc as well.


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Hi there!

I read over your posts and Oh boy howdy can I identify...we all can. I feel for you, for your H sounds alot like my stbx. I still tend to spin, and am working myself out of another spin I've been in.

Im sorry to say, as time goes by you just get hip to all these MLC antics, and each time they throw something at you, well you're stronger, wiser, and not as effected anymore. I think one of the biggest struggles is our heads and hearts not alwyas being in the same place. Our heads know one thing ( GAL, move on, detatch, let go) but our hearts are a different matter all together. Our hearts get confused.

First of all, I've had the exact same script your H has given you. No emotional connection, doesn't feel that way about me anymore, hasn't for years, but still cares about me and it's not right I not be in his life from here on out, I'll be your friend,lets be the friends now that I could be before. It left me nothing but horribly confused, angry, resentful, horribly rejected, and depressed.

However I say this wihout a doubt the MLCer is truly as confused as they appear. They truly are feeling all that at once, and their feelings will turn on a dime. It's true when they say they'll always care about us or still love us, but don't feel that connection anymore. I think where the big Gap is between the LBS and MLCer is that the LBS is willing to explore these feelings and build where work is needed. The MLCer has the FEAR (F*** Everything And Run) mentality. The MLCer really some how rationalizes that we are the basis of their misfortune in life. Depression is key in this.

I've battled depression most of my adult life. I do understand the reason to project due to depression because I've been there. There have been so many times that I've thought that my life was horrible because it was other people's fault. But through alot of soul searching and looking back, I realize it was the depression that was making me feel that way. So objectively....I see where MLCers rationlize what we find ludicrous given depression is the catalyst for MLC.


Your H acting cool with everyone but treating you like enemy #1 is something I've dealt with for years. Why do they do this? Because in their eyes we are public enemy #1. Remember their train of thought is not objective and neither is their rationalization. Right now their main focus is themselves and the quest to feel better and feel happy again. They have to do it their way and if anyone suggests otherwise, it's just asking for more resistance. Right now they have tunnel vision.

Have you read "From withdrawal to Acceptance" link that Cadet posted for you? I strongly suggest you read that because it's really going to answer some things for you. On page #2 there are posts from an MLCer himself. He chose to post about what he went through with MLC. Actually there are two posters. There is Wonka and Happy Again. There will be another link for threads started by Happy Again in the 3rd page.

This gives you a glimpse into their thoughts, actions, and how they choose to rationalize things during MLC. It really validated many things for me, mainly that it truly is about them and NOT US. Let me repeat, it truly is about them and NOT US.

I too have struggled with the fact that it seems they're self destructing infront of us, yet won't listen to reason. Or like they've just jumped off the ship and refuse to take a life ring! For us people that are fixers ( which I am) this is awful!!!

However once you can start to get some detatchement under your belt, you can gain more objectivity. When objectivity and detatchement come in, this is where we really can grow and start forming our own lives away from our MLCers and not be so wrapped up in it. Believe me IT'S NO PIECE OF CAKE.... given all the cake eating given in MLC....LOL. Seems like they can get their cake and eat it too....yet we get no cake at all! LOL

So yes you are smack in the middle of Crazytown and your H is the mayor! But you can march directly out of city limits and then just watch the town and see how town runs.All the while you remain in your new residence of Rationalville, where you can be the mayor!


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Quote:
FEAR (F*** Everything And Run)


LOL...acronym of the year...how many times have the LBS felt that? I know I have.

smile


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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I have felt it so many times in the last year it's unbelieveable. Infact I've wondered if Im having my own MLC as well!


M=42 XH=44
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I am always thankful when someone takes the time to reply to me, so thank you all.

Kimmerz, I have read your reply several times TOTALLY agree with what you said about our hearts and heads not always being in the same place. It's been a struggle, but getting better.

Also you said, "Im sorry to say, as time goes by you just get hip to all these MLC antics, and each time they throw something at you, well you're stronger, wiser, and not as effected anymore." I think this weekend I have done a GREAT job of that. I am quite proud of myself. I was not home a lot, out GALing..... a friend and I went out to explore the old abandoned turnpike tunnels, fun, adventure, and exercise! lol Anyway, when Captain Cranky Pants told me he was going to be away this week, all I asked was which days, he told me and I said ok. I know it seems small but I was quite proud of myself for not asking where and why (I'm assuming for work).

Also, today he decided he wanted to be with me in the married physical sense (hahaha, my feeble attempt at humor), which has happened several times over the past 5 months, and an hour or two later he came back to the room where I was and said he was sorry for "what happened earlier". I was like what do you mean? He said you know, what we did. I told him he didn't need to apologize. He said he did because it shouldn't have happened and he didn't want me to "get the wrong idea." Instead of debate him or try to rationalize with him I didn't say a blessed word. Again, another small step for me. Before I would have said something, but this time I didn't. I think it helps that I have already made it through one of his cycles, and I kinda know what crazy behavior patterns I will be seeing (trust me I know he can always throw something else unexpected my way), since reading DB I know way better ways to respond. Either way that saying silence is golden, seems to be right.

Also I may be finally able to keep it in my head this is not really about me, even if he is trying to make it that way, it really is NOT. He is confused and not having the time of his life like he would like me to believe. He doesn't really have to be real with his family or co-workers and they will let him live in his little fantasy world..... he has to be real with me... and of course to him I represent responsibility....

Also I must add that the power of prayer has helped me sooooo much! I have been reading a lot of good books recently too, I just really feel like God is guiding me through this terrible storm in my life! Only He knows how it will play out....

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