Get help from a Divorce Busting® Telephone Coach TODAY! We specialize in helping you get your marriage back on track, even when your spouse has one foot out the door. Don't be discouraged. We can help.
303-444-7004
or 800-664-2435
Page 24 of 32 < 1 2 ... 22 23 24 25 26 ... 31 32 >
Topic Options
#2231497 - 03/17/12 09:25 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
Oh boy....the Italians are getting together with the Irish. Beantown must be wild tonight!
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



Top
#2231498 - 03/17/12 10:16 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: nhmom]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2439
Loc: Piney Land
Nhmom have u ever been to an Irish funeral? If u haven't u must. But be careful. Crazy stuff happens
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






Top
#2231504 - 03/17/12 10:36 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Rick1963]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
Originally Posted By: Rick1963
Nhmom have u ever been to an Irish funeral? If u haven't u must. But be careful. Crazy stuff happens


No, but now I'm intrigued.
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



Top
#2231524 - 03/18/12 03:40 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: nhmom]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2686
The Italians have definitely got with the Irish I am half of each...

Originally Posted By: Rick
I have no idea at this point what's what. When she was talking to me last night it was like she was drunk dialing me but from two feet away. It was scary as hell....and S13 was not digging it. I read True Grit's story and it spooked me - same trauma...same age...same wild responses...same breakdown...same diagnosis..same type of girl. His story didn't end so well for her. I don't think I will ever have a life with her as H/W going forward...but I will look after her forever. I think about my next relationship and will make sure this doesn't corrupt that by keeping watch for her. You never know though...miracles do happen.


Yes they do...
(miracles) I wouldn't bet on it. This isn't about a game of chance because you hold the key...

Don't make your choice on what happened to me...

But in spite of me. As I am fond of saying.

I met my W while she was in crisis. We have no children. I don't know what is down the road and neither do you.

THAT is why YOUR choice is so critical.

Don't you see?

It is not circumstance.

It is NOT the cards you have been dealt.

It is especially NOT the cards she has been dealt.

That was not her fault. Not an excuse, but still not her fault.

It is what YOU do with it...

That will make ALL the difference in the world.

To you and your children.

And

This is tough one to get.

Especially to your wife.

PS: Stop involving your son in the code deal. That's his mother. Treat her accordingly.

ALWAYS. Period. It is hard I know. But do it. It is the decision that makes sense for everyone involved.
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

Top
#2231569 - 03/18/12 12:50 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Truegritter]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
I get that TG...it is about my choice and that I have a key. In fact, it took a long while to realize that it is my choice and that a key exists.

So I choose to do the immediate damage control first, protect the kids, protect me, rally and provide a future for them and me, recognize that my life and happinesss is my responsibility.

For her, I choose to keep being there when she needs it and reaches out for it, letting her go because she needs that, being a place of stabillty that she may someday be able to see, and even if she doesn't see what's what now I'm still there when she needs me.

Sometimes I think there's a conflicting message in DB'ing. Let them go, GAL, get past the anger and judgement, be responsible for your own life and happiness, recognize they have their own path to walk, deal with their A's, have faith in the universe. You do this despite an army of naysayers around you. And then when you realize you can lovingly let them go, and amazingly find that you can create happiness, some might say you are leaving them behind or your being too harsh.

If anyone thinks this is some easy choice, or I'm so happy about seeing my lifelong lover self destruct, or see my kids in pain, or that I didn't suffer the worst pain on earth and earn my way back to the world of the living teaspoon by teaspoon, then F off. I really can't get more alone anyway. You think I wanted to end up walking around in Boston with a bunch of strangers at 4 AM? Like you say it's a choice. I'm choosing to help her in the only way I see that MIGHT help her. I'm choosing to follow the true light of hope that I earned by my efforts, and appreciate the new people that have shown they care and have become the most amazing friends.

And humor in this? If there wasn't some way of finding something lighthearted in this it would have killed us all.

I wish the best for her. I'm choosing to not get in the way of whatever whereever she needs to be.

No. this is not directed at you TG....any of today's frustration. I had to own this sitch and do something about it no matter how shittty is was for me and kids. She may or may not own any of this...that's her road.

Top
#2231735 - 03/19/12 10:13 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Obviously yesterday I was on the emotional side...no sleep from the night out with my S24...still adjusting to a new mindset on this sitch...having some "well meaning" people who have never lived this type of sitch question my integrity.

No one said this was going to be easy, and it isn't.

When you love someone your whole adult life, and finally get to the point where you can set them adrift, wish them well, still love them in your own way, and finally see the new life in front of you, it can be stunning in its impact, and sometimes the smallest nudge can set off a wave of emotions.

When you live with your S in this sitch, and then you reach this point, they are still there in contact with you on a daily basis, it can get quite confusing. Before, when there were signs of a new M life showing it was completely laced with my intentions - hoping that would lead to a R. Letting that control me was destroying my life, and I have the kids to think about.

Reaching this point in this sitch, finally understanding and reaching a new state of mind is necessary. If you live with your S still then there are new hurdles to understand and find a way to live with.

W went back on her meds per her docs orders and she was different than has been the case for a couple of weeks. Yestereday she was seemingly very happy. I had finished remodeling a master bath and she was really getting off on decorating it. She worked on projects, cleaned the house a lot, seemed bouyant all day. She got her hair cut back to the 80's pixie spiked punk sytle she used to have and looked like she did when I first knew her, and she seemed excited about the new/old look. All good for her and I'm glad for her.

I don't have the specific details of how this will play out. Primarily, I want her to find herself, and get past the diagnosis's she has, and be fulfilled in her life. At this point she is living here. At some point our life paths are going to require some decision made on living arrangements.

For now, she keeps reaching out to me in ways to get her answers and I'm happy to be her sounding board. This does seem to be helping her, and I am making sure my path is not seen as an agressive response to her because it isn't.

Over the weekend two of my sons came to me separately and both had pretty much the same questions about their Mom. They felt that they have reached out for even more than the past year and were commenting that they can't reach her, that they can't even remember when they had a real conversation with her. If my boys were little I might have been able to shield them from a lot of the daily impact of this. Since they're older and pretty with it they saw it all unfold in front of them. I'm giving them the same advice I give myself...that she really does love them more than anything....that she's at a place many people are at in their life...and despite the surface actions she is a great human being in pain...that if the conversations aren't there just be there for her and she will reach out...that she will always be their Mom and no matter the outcome here, she will always love them and needs them in her life, and she should be in their lives.

Top
#2231755 - 03/19/12 11:30 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
Originally Posted By: rickb89
No one said this was going to be easy, and it isn't.

When you live with your S in this sitch, and then you reach this point, they are still there in contact with you on a daily basis, it can get quite confusing.

Reaching this point in this sitch, finally understanding and reaching a new state of mind is necessary. If you live with your S still then there are new hurdles to understand and find a way to live with.


I think you said this beautifully! It's something I'm striving for, but haven't gotten to yet.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

Top
#2231776 - 03/19/12 01:06 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: RoRoinMD]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
Yes, I can't imagine living with my S throughout all of that. I don't understand how it could be seen that you're leaving her behind at all. She's choosing to stay behind. You're choosing to find happiness in your life. Life is too short!
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

Top
#2231779 - 03/19/12 01:13 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Jenna333]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Thanks RoRo, Jenna

Top
#2232038 - 03/20/12 10:12 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7794
Loc: Sonoran Desert
A lot of stuff gets tossed around here on the board as fact, and I doubt that the data is their to support those facts.

Like I wonder if there is a statistical difference in the number of divorces that occur in M that remain in the same home vs those that physically separate?

Quote:
When you live with your S in this sitch, and then you reach this point, they are still there in contact with you on a daily basis, it can get quite confusing. Before, when there were signs of a new M life showing it was completely laced with my intentions - hoping that would lead to a R. Letting that control me was destroying my life, and I have the kids to think about.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


Top
Page 24 of 32 < 1 2 ... 22 23 24 25 26 ... 31 32 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004