I hate this for you, but I'm so proud of you and your resolve.
I'm jealous, since I was such a twit for so long.
I'm here all day!
PS - Starsky and I didn't pow wow ahead of time with those potential responses... (see above post!) Remember, you need to buy a little time, not be influenced by his "ride", yet, keep everyone safe, sound, and SANE!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I hope you find Alanon helpful, I sure have. And you don't even have to consider if he's an alcoholic, just if his drinking is causing problems for you. Totally takes the pressure off of "labeling." It's not our job to decide if they are alcoholics nor to save them.
Try several different meetings to find one where you fit.
((((A)))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
And you don't even have to consider if he's an alcoholic, just if his drinking is causing problems for you. Totally takes the pressure off of "labeling." It's not our job to decide if they are alcoholics nor to save them.
I have an appt with a D atty on Tuesday morning to gather information and continue to plan. I am not telling him any of this, as it would set him off.
Very good, and wise. There are ways you can be truthful, but stealthy at the same time, Autumn. "I'm not sure what I want to do yet; sounds like we both have some important decisions to make" is a truthful -- yet still appropriately vague -- statement.
H: Do you want a divorce?
A: No, I've never wanted a divorce, but this isn't working for me either. I'm not sure what I want to do right now; I think we both have some important decisions to make.
H: What are you telling people?
A: Obviously, people know we're having problems right now, and I need the support. This is very hard on everyone.
H: Have you told your dad that I'm having an affair?
A: Look, I don't want to get into this right now. I'm certainly not going to LIE to cover up your affair, if that's what you're asking me. Look, I need to run a few errands, I"ll be back in a couple of hours.
Starsky
Awesome advice! And great job on not telegraphing your moves to h, Autumn. Steady as she goes.
Thanks everyone! I am slightly nervous for this weekend. It is exactly one week today since I approached him with the information that I had, and he confessed. But last weekend was busy with a family wedding. So this weekend is a true test for me.
Weekends were the worst for me when my wife and I went thru our stuff. It was easy to find ways to stay out of each other's way during the week, what with work, kids' activities, going to the gym at separate times, etc., but I used to get a KNOT IN MY STOMACH every Friday afternoon. It turns into a sort of weird, warped corollary of what everyone else's weeks are, where you dread Fridays and look forward to Mondays, lol.
hah, i've been kind of feeling the same way since things have fallen apart with h. i get that same knot friday afternoons and weekends since we used to spend all that time together and now things are just kind of awkward. what i've been doing is kind of running away friday nights and spending the weekend at my parents. the knot returns though when i have to go back home sunday night.
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Weekends were the worst for me when my wife and I went thru our stuff. It was easy to find ways to stay out of each other's way during the week, what with work, kids' activities, going to the gym at separate times, etc., but I used to get a KNOT IN MY STOMACH every Friday afternoon. It turns into a sort of weird, warped corollary of what everyone else's weeks are, where you dread Fridays and look forward to Mondays, lol.
Multiple emails and texts today, just small talk or "can I call I have a funny joke" or "you looked cute sleeping this morning"
It makes me sad really. A few weeks ago I would have loved to hear both of those things. It is just sad.
Don't worry I didn't respond. The one time I said "sorry in a meeting right now" and the rest I deleted.
The same person who wanted to go out all the time, and party with his "friends" now wants to stay home and garden this weekend. He hasn't done anything around here in a long time. I was really hoping for the alone time. I suppose I will need to make some plans to be out now.
Staying off his roller coaster but man is this house small
Multiple emails and texts today, just small talk or "can I call I have a funny joke" or "you looked cute sleeping this morning"
It makes me sad really. A few weeks ago I would have loved to hear both of those things. It is just sad. Are these his 180s? Some form of new behavior or effort? I can see why you feel sad.
You may feel "it's too little too late." But guess what?
you do NOT have to decide that now.
Don't worry I didn't respond. The one time I said "sorry in a meeting right now" and the rest I deleted. The same person who wanted to go out all the time, and party with his "friends" now wants to stay home and garden this weekend. He hasn't done anything around here in a long time. I was really hoping for the alone time. I suppose I will need to make some plans to be out now. anything on that list that HE CAN do that would help you? If acts of service are his love language and the yard needs some work, let him!
Maybe he wants the "quality time together" to make a point. It's fine for you to say "too soon for me" And know inside that it might not ever happen...
but again, you do NOT have to decide (or label--good point Labug) that today.
Staying off his roller coaster but man is this house small
Glad you are seeing the L. You are merely gathering intel right now so you can make informed choices.
If you win the lottery, buy a bigger house.
(and again, feel free to call--I left a vm on their contact#)
PS--the local support might be Al Anon...I found them very helpful with my dad's issues as I grew up.
A decade later when I had our first child and Christmas came, a lot of stuff was triggered. (This was shortly before EE)
So I went to my old meeting again. I saw a guy there who'd been attending that SAME group for over a decade and He literally told the same story about his father's drinking. (His dad was dead). The guy had made zero personal progress or changes in HIS life and he was now an adult.
So yes, some folks there wallow in victimhood. I do NOT worry about that with you.
When my father was dying from drinking (liver cancer) in '93 I had to explain who he was to those who asked. And I gave the eulogy.
I don't want to summarize his whole life with a label ("alcoholic") or a reader's digest 3 lines. He was complicated.
He was a brilliant well educated man with some truly great qualities and I miss him to this day.
He was also a raging alcoholic for 21 years of my life and when he died he'd only been sober about 2 years for which I'm grateful...he died sober too. Also a gift.
I suspect you have many deeply conflicting emotions now, PLUS you are also reeling from the OW.
No labels or definitive diagnosis from you are needed...surely not today, or this week.
Give yourself the gift of time that you DO have...and get informed about your legal/financial options.
And in time, & with other support, you can see how you FEEL...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Multiple emails and texts today, just small talk or "can I call I have a funny joke" or "you looked cute sleeping this morning"
It makes me sad really. A few weeks ago I would have loved to hear both of those things. It is just sad.
Don't worry I didn't respond. The one time I said "sorry in a meeting right now" and the rest I deleted.
The same person who wanted to go out all the time, and party with his "friends" now wants to stay home and garden this weekend. He hasn't done anything around here in a long time. I was really hoping for the alone time. I suppose I will need to make some plans to be out now.
Staying off his roller coaster but man is this house small
Autumn,
Plan on these moods and tactics of his swinging wildly over the weekend, as he sees one method not "working" (not getting you to respond, and indicate that "everything is just okay with Autumn"). He may start out nice and sweet, then shift to "OK, so you're not responding now?" followed by "How childish." then back to a funny joke. Then angry. Then threaten a "see, this is why we never will work," yadda yadda yadda "we might as well get a divorce then!" etc.
I fully expect him to try to initiate sex with you.
His methods will change. Just be ready. He knows your "Autumn buttons" better than perhaps anyone else on the planet. Expect him to push them all.
