A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.
Page 8 of 12 < 1 2 ... 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 >
Topic Options
#2231531 - 03/18/12 09:12 AM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: Truegritter]
HollyAnn Offline
Member

Registered: 11/09/11
Posts: 124
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Originally Posted By: Holly
Why not call something what it really is? Why play silly label games?


Silly games? First she has recognized what the problem is.

Wow! I wish I was that smart. I don't pretend to be...

Let's just recognize and give her advice as they would in Alanon or here whether H is an alocoholic or not?

Detach.

There is not a goshern thing you can do Autumn.

There isn't.

No matter what any one says.

Or their cousins by the dozens...

UNTIL

HE decides to do it.

You?

Best advice has been given.

Take care of yourself legally, financially and most importantly emotionally.

This is a tough road and it can ruin your life.

BUT

As people here would be testament to...

You can also make your life more meaningful.

You can decide to reconcile this tragedy for yourself.

I always ask this:

You made a vow, for better or worse, this is certainly the worse.

What does that mean to you?

Most people don't have the stomach for worse.








Yeah, I know; I already pointed that out.
Autumn is not the one in denial or mislabeling.

Top
#2231535 - 03/18/12 10:38 AM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: HollyAnn]
cat04 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/31/09
Posts: 2240
Originally Posted By: Holly
Autumn was advised to check out Al-Anon. No point in doing that if your h isn't an alkie.


This is untrue. Alanon can be of great help to anyone dealing with someone who drinks.

Originally Posted By: Holly
why not call something what it really is?


Ok Kimmie Lee...
_________________________

"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox

Top
#2231539 - 03/18/12 12:28 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: cat04]
mindfull Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/08
Posts: 3975
Autumn. How was your night?
_________________________
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Top
#2231545 - 03/18/12 01:22 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: mindfull]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
Good morning! It was awkward to say the least. He was gardening all day and had plans to go out at 6 with friends of ours. He invited me and I guess he was hoping I would change my mind.

My next door neighbor invited me for a visit and then I found out that he was invited as well, so I decided not to go. Then H decided not to go. Yikes.

He rented a few movies and was staying in. I said "I thought you were going out with M and N tonight?" and his response was "I changed my mind but if you want to go WE can go". I said "no thanks I was planning a quiet night"

There was no arguing, he is being very helpful and kind but that is his way of 'making things right' and that is clearly not working for me like it has in the past.

I really hope that he gets in to see an IC this week, for his sake and for mine.

I am heading to church in an hour and I have a dinner with a large group of friends tonight. Looking forward to it.

PS..re: the advice above, I took what I needed from it and I appreciate all of you responding but I have to keep my focus right now.
_________________________
-Autumn


Top
#2231551 - 03/18/12 02:02 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: Autumn Leaves]
mindfull Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/08
Posts: 3975
Autumn.

Sounds like an excellent day. Stay the course.

You'll get a lot of extra "noise" here, as everyone wants to help, and so many opinions!!!! I had a lot of that... My problem... I took the advice i wanted to hear not always the advice i should hear!!! I'm glad you're a quicker study!

Keep in touch.
_________________________
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Top
#2231571 - 03/18/12 05:05 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: mindfull]
HollyAnn Offline
Member

Registered: 11/09/11
Posts: 124
Originally Posted By: mindfull
Autumn.

Sounds like an excellent day. Stay the course.

You'll get a lot of extra "noise" here, as everyone wants to help, and so many opinions!!!! I had a lot of that... My problem... I took the advice i wanted to hear not always the advice i should hear!!! I'm glad you're a quicker study!

Keep in touch.



Yeah, a bit of variety is good. smile
Autumn, that did sound awkward with you and h's day. Sometimes, even though sad and stressful, our sitches can take on an absurd, surreal, and perversely comic quality.

Top
#2231708 - 03/19/12 01:15 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: HollyAnn]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
So true HollyAnn, surreal yet comical is the way I am seeing it right now.

Last night, he kissed me out of the blue. I mean somewhat of a passionate kiss.

This morning I said "that is not ok, and can't happen again"

I feel like it is a manipulation and tactic and he claims it is just natural for him and "i am just kissing my wife, we've been together for 20+ years"

He just sent me a text message to apologize, "on top of the many things I am sorry for, I apologize for making matters worse last night. It just felt natural. I am really sorry. No need to reply. I just wanted to state it"

I am not replying

I have plans with some friends tonight and plan to be gone before he leaves. I really don't like to do that too much because the kids will only see me leaving, which is not what I want. He has an upper hand by hanging around all the time. This is the guy who wanted to go out all the time, and I held him back. I just wish he would go already.

He flips from "sorry for what I said (EA) but I didn't cheat on you (PA)" and I tell him I don't believe him. I said it is very unlikely that the only two times he did it were the times I caught him. He denies

In the next breath he is blaming me and saying I am controlling and even telling him what help to get. I asked him if he would consider EE. He said yes but later said he was only doing it for me. I said "don't do it if it is for me, it has to be for you"

He managed to find and meet with the seamstress making our boat cover this week, but can't seem to get an appt with a therapist or even get someone on the phone. Our priorities are clearly different

I am continuing on my path, have an appt with an IC and also the atty this week, and will continue to make my plan
_________________________
-Autumn


Top
#2231712 - 03/19/12 01:22 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: Autumn Leaves]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5243
Loc: Florida
Autumn,

Good morning! smile I am glad to hear you are holding your boundaries. I know this is HARD.

You may have told us this, but I can't remember: do we know if your husband's OW has a drinking (or any other substance abuse) problem?

There will come a point where we can help you deal with your husband's "I swear I'm telling the truth" statements, but that will come later. For now, you're handling it perfectly, saying things like "I'm sorry but I don't trust you right now," and "Considering how you've already lied, I'm having a hard time believing you right now," etc.


Starsky
_________________________
M54 W 54; D27 D25 S21 S18 GD4 GD 2m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07
Filed 4 D 7/07
Piecing 07-10
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
#2231715 - 03/19/12 01:28 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: Starsky309]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
Good morning!!

Thank you Starsky, it is really hard. I feel like I am quite confused at time and I know he is counting on that because it has worked in the past. I don't know much about OW. I do know that H surrounds himself with "party friends" and likes to say "I am not as bad as XYZ" so chances are good.

Holding my boundaries is very tough at times. He said as he was leaving for work this morning "I don't know what to say or do that isn't going to make you angrier than you already are"

I told him the anger is less and less, I am more concerned with my indifference at times. I truly can see myself moving on alone, the more he blames me and refuses to do anything.

I am taking a LONG bike ride on my lunch hour today. It is gorgeous out and I really want to enjoy it!
_________________________
-Autumn


Top
#2231720 - 03/19/12 01:38 PM Re: Hoping for a better Spring and a new chapter [Re: Autumn Leaves]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5243
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Autumn Leaves

Holding my boundaries is very tough at times. He said as he was leaving for work this morning "I don't know what to say or do that isn't going to make you angrier than you already are"



This is the 3rd or 4th time he has said something similar to this, I think. You may want to say next time "Look, I'm sorry and I'm trying to be civil here, but it's really not my job to make YOU feel better about the destructive choices you've been making lately. If this is awkward for you, that's your issue, not mine. In case you haven't noticed, this is very difficult on ALL of us, including the boys, so please don't ask me that again."


Starsky
_________________________
M54 W 54; D27 D25 S21 S18 GD4 GD 2m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07
Filed 4 D 7/07
Piecing 07-10
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
Page 8 of 12 < 1 2 ... 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004