taking the time to watch the wave

[rickb89]

Banana Bread - I'm so glad you are finding peace, clarity, self knowledge, strength, a new spark for life. It is such a relief to hear you rising up out the despair you were in before.

The fact that you post where you are and how you've handled this journey for the people who are new in this world speaks to what a true giving and noble woman that you are. We here are all very fortunate to know you.

I'm really sorry your zombie text fell flat. It's hard to imagine anyone not into that world, huh?

[hopeless in wa]

Barely, I get what you are saying. Only being into this for 2 months, today after finding great apt. I felt like a weight had been lifted, felt an ounce of hope (maybe I should change my name on here). Transitions have always been hard for me. When I had my son, no anthestia, that point right before pushing and you want to kill your husband, well I feel like I'm moving thru this. Your story gives me hope. Wish my kids were closer, my son 27 in Seattle, my d. 34 in NYC. Been burning up the cell minutes! Take care and thanks for checking on me.

[BFloat]

it's been a weird couple of days. it was really windy again yesterday so my gf and i planned to catch an early ferry back to the mainland. when we got back home, H was sleeping on the couch. i fed the kids dinner, bathed them and then put them to bed. I stayed upstairs to watch TV. when H was leaving, he apologized for not talking to me that much when we got back because he was so tired. i secretly thought to myself.. he hasn't actually talked to me in a long time.. why apologize now?

i was tidying up when i found a piece of paper w/ an email on it. i asked H if he needed the piece of paper. i just glanced and it was an email address. it seems he created a new acct recently. i didn't really think anything of it but he started explaining how he has been applying for a lot of jobs recently.. blah blah.

H txted tonight making small talk and then asking about whether which weekend he was watching them w/ my new work rotation. he was hoping to get go out the last weekend in march which was supposed to be his weekend. he was hoping to swap etc. so i compromised. he was supposed to be with the kids this weekend but had asked me to watch them friday because he wanted to go out (his friend is moving away soon). so i said i didn't mind watching them the last weekend if he came tomorrow night (since i had originally planned to see some friends). he thanked me for being flexible. i almost said.. of course! i'm nice person! but i held my tongue.

he planned to come tomorrow around noon. i mentioned that i was thinking about going out to get new car seats for the kids and H asked whether i needed help picking them out. said sure! S needs a haircut too.

it may sound like things are going well and H is drawing nearer but. i don't really think that. the last time i thought we were being friendlier.. H ended up announcing at the counseling session that he wanted a D! so now i'm not thinking anything of it.

H and i have not gone and done anything together since christmas when we went to FIL's.

so tomorrow.. will have to figure out an activity to GAL. i actually didn't have any concrete plans but.. H didn't need to know that. working the rest of the weekend then, heading off for another getaway. this one will be just the kids and i. there will be a lot of solitude which i think will be nice. my kids.. my time..

[hopeless in wa]

That friendly thing can really suck you in. It happens to me every time I see H. Especially since everything is so amicable. It's like oh, this is us, how we were, when I thought everything was fine. NOT! Jeez, it must be hard since you have little kids to have so much contact. My contact now is pretty much just about D. Emails or phone or texts, unless he has to come to house and he wants to "visit". Those are killer. He is so pragmatic. An aside, I needed to talk about car title other day, he said guess where I am? Snoqualmie Falls, since so much rain he took a drive. I said "oh honeymoon" That's were we spent honeymoon , at Salish, he totally didn't make the connection. Nice. I could tell he felt bad but really? I hope in my responses to you that I don't go off on my own stuff. I try to find you every day and just look at your sit. sorry if I do that. fondly

[hopeless in wa]

By visit it means he has come for a specific d. related purpose and then, as his way, to visit.

[BFloat]

hopeless.. i don't mind at all! i look for your thread too. there are a few i follow religiously.. just to see how things are going. did you have some sunshine today like we did? actually, it was hailing in the morning then eased up and was warm enough to walk around w/out my coat! wonder how long that will last?

sooooo... have had the most surreal day. H came home about 1130 to go with kids and i to get the new car seats. he was limping a bit and said he had just run down the mountain (good for him for finally doing the things he says he's going to). took a shower and then we packed up the kids to go.

at the mall, we pick out the car seats.. then head over to the grocery store to pick up some stuff, then take S for his haircut. we worked together and it was quite like old times.. except better. because H wasn't all mopey and grumpy like he use to be.. as though it was a huge effort to be happy w/ us.

a couple of odd topics.. H had made shepherd's pie while we were away and when i got back.. he wanted me to try it. he asked several times yesterday (via txt) if i had tried it so this morning.. i thought i better go ahead and do so. and it was good! so when he came today and asked again whether i had tried the darn thing.. i could honestly say.. yes and that it was yummy. that seemed to please him.

while we were out, i bought a bubble tea (if you don't know what it is.. you probably won't get it) because S said he was thirsty. ok.. so H has been sort of avoiding sharing a glass w/ me etc for a while (i don't know.. maybe i have cooties?) so i thought it was funny that he actually took a couple sips of my drink! i mean.. he used the same straw and everything. lol. and you know what? he didn't drop dead.

yesterday, i was looking for the cupboards looking for something to eat. there were 2 packages of instant noodles that are a brand that i like, except that it was a different flavour then i normally get. well.. since they were in the cupboard, i ate one! i figured H had bought them for himself. anyway, today while we were in the grocery store, H asked if i had seen the noodles he had bought me. i said yes.. thanks! didn't tell him it was wrong flavour. it's so weird because just the other day.. i was thinking to myself.. it has been a really long time since H has done or bought anything for me.

today he also wanted me to take some of the money he had exchanged for himself on my trip w/ the kids "just in case".

i live in bizzaro land. can't dwell or even think that these are positives because in january, i honestly didn't think we were at the point where H would say he wanted out of the marriage and i was devastated.

i really don't know what's going through H's mind. maybe he's trying to be nice because i have been nice w/ agreeing to take the kids for the weekend he wanted to go out? when i left today, H said maybe we could talk about our finances again soon. and then he apologized for the way he reacted the last time i wanted to talk about it (he became distant when i mentioned child support).

i know.. it's not my job to figure out what H is thinking. very hard not to do! sigh. thank goodness i'm working the next 2 nights. keeps my mind distracted from the going ons of my M (or lack thereof)

[Rick1963]

And what are ya doing to GALing?????? Don't see it but again I not very bright

[BFloat]

oh rick! give a girl a break! lol just came back wednesday from a trip where i saw a wooly mammoth.. miniatures.. and lots of bugs! yikes!

i met a gf earlier for coffee. meeting another gf in about 20 minutes for coffee again. then i have a friend who wants to go out tonight after she is done w/ dinner. we'll see if i'm still awake! well.. probably.. after all that coffee!!!

will be working sat/sun night still need to earn some money then on monday i will be preparing for my solo trip w/ the kids. wow! the very first trip i will have done by myself.. with the kids! looking forward to it. planning on lots of reading.. playing guitar.. movies.. spa night w/ the kids! i even bought a funky nail colour for them (yes.. son included because he will probably want to paint his toes too after seeing D w/ hers).

no st paddy's day celebration for me! sadly. but i won't be surprised if a few people at work see leprechauns. oh just another at the office. lol. wish i had green scrubs. if i wore a green hat.. i might get mistaken for being the leprechaun. how fun that would be!!!

rick - that's such a funny comment to say you're not very bright. because you and i both know that is so not true. do i need to repeat what bugsy said to you???? do i????

[labug]

Yeah G-man! Don't mess with us!

I'm working the weekend, too.

[hopeless in wa]

Barely, yes we did have some sun today, finally! But it's back to rain tonite. Only thing I did today was sign my lease and hand over a check. Agent said, so there is no chance of this all changing. Nope train has left the station. Did talk to H. today about money transfer. It's his birthday. Wasn't going to do any thing with anyone. He's been pretty crabby, but I think most has nothing to do with us. He's been in chronic back pain and is scheduled for April 5th surgery. I offerred to go down to Seattle to be there for him, he said no. Not no thanks, just no. Anyway I have a full day of housecleaning tommorrow. Yippee!