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#2240344 - 04/24/12 09:24 AM Re: Brooklyn Babe [Re: paige40]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Usually after I converse w/ my w I think back and wish I said something different or better but we're just being real so don't be hard on yourself. If their is a chance to learn or to make improvements from than take it as it comes but you are doing great.

Be thankful for those moments BK, you know that they are few and far between now. We hope that moments like that plant a seed in our WAS but that's about all we can do.

Regardless, times like those are helping create a positive environment and memory for your beautiful girls.

Wishing you the best and give your D2 a Happy B-day hug from me on Friday!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2240744 - 04/25/12 04:31 PM Re: Brooklyn Babe [Re: sayitaintso]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1715
Thks Say - you message yesterday made my day. Like you I had a tough day yesterday and received another letter from my H letter further negiotiating. It was a real bummer. I took it pretty hard and had to walk away at work for 20 minutes and cry.

I recovered this morning and had a great morning with the girls. H came to pick them up at 12noon and we spent 1/2 hr hanging on our front stoop with the girls. Its was nice. I had a few opportunities to validate him and I did.

One weird thing happen. The neighbors parents walked by and I said hello and asked about how their grandson was, he has a brain tumor. He is not doing well:( After they leave H says that he forgot that the little boy had a brian tumor. How do you forget that??
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2241094 - 04/26/12 10:51 PM Re: Brooklyn Babe [Re: BklynMom]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1715
Crazy night last. Okay not crazy in the way a night could be when I was in my early 20s living in NY but crazy for a late thirty something LBS.

I am on my way to yoga (like a good DBer) and call the girls to say good night. While on the phone H asks if we can talk later. I say I will be home after 10p. I get to yoga and am terrified, what does he want to talk to me about. Does he want to tell me again that its over!! I really thought I was not going to be able to stay in the yoga class I was preoccupied. I forced myself to stay and ended up having a mindfully relaxing class and an awesome workout. Hooray for GALing.

So H calls me later that evening and says he doesnt know if he should come over tomorrow for D1 birthday. I had invited him last week, to a private party with just me and the girls for her 2nd birthday. I really had no alt. motives just to celebrate our little one's big day. H says he doesnt know if he should come cause it might give the girls the wrong idea.

I validate and say "thats a good point". I listen more. Then say "D3 does have the wrong idea. She knows that you have another apartment but she considers us a family" H says what should I do about that. I say I dont know.

We end up speaking for a half hour. I did a lot of listening and validating. There were long periods of silence and I let him talk. He didnt say anything that would led me to believe he was coming home but I felt good about the conversation.

At one point I asked if I should be meeting him and the girls in the morning to walk with them to school (something we had already agreed to do) if that would give them the wrong idea. He said "No I dont think that will give them the wrong idea"

He asked if I would get the wrong idea if he came to the party, I said no he has made his position very clear we are getting a divorce.

He asked if my father would be mad if he came over (strange question). I said no he wants what is best for the girls.

Ultimately he decided to come to the party. Hooray. I am so excited and going to make lasagna and chocolate chocolate cup cakes tomorrow. The girls will be so happy. All the girls;)
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2241098 - 04/26/12 11:08 PM Re: Brooklyn Babe [Re: BklynMom]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96

BM,
So know what you mean about the definition of crazy nights being different! Excited for your celebration tomorrow, 2 is such a great age! I will be sending good mojo your way!
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2241382 - 04/28/12 09:14 AM Re: Brooklyn Babe [Re: fightingforit]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Hey BK- Hope you had a good day yesterday My w pulled the same thing w/ Easter and she decided not to join us for dinner.

IMO birthday's are different. It is for your D, and she is 2, how could he not want to be there, wtf?

Doesn't want to give her the wrong idea, what idea does it give your D if he isn't around for her b-day?? Sorry, I'm ranting about YOUR wah, lol.

I'm glad he decided to go and spend time with her and you.

Also, didn't realize it last week but my s7's birthday was yesterday too. We had an awesome day.

smile
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2241420 - 04/28/12 11:53 AM Re: Brooklyn Babe [Re: sayitaintso]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
Hope the party went well. Let us know.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2241644 - 04/29/12 10:16 PM Re: Brooklyn Babe [Re: ces67]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1715
Friday night was awesome with my H and kids. H was less grumpy then he usually is and we just had a amazing evening. I made all his favorite things. Lasagna and chocolate chocolate cupcakes. The girls and H, did the icing and decorated. My H is also allergic to gluten so he not getting good gluten free cupcakes and lasagna like I make all the time!

H asked me at 7 if he should leave or stay for bath/bedtime routine. I said it would be nice if he could stay. It was wonderful. We washed the girls and read them bedtime stories. At one point H noticed a closet by the girls room filled with his bike gear. He said he would take it home with him. I said that would be nice, then he only took 1 thing from the closet.

I tried just staying in the moment and I loved it. Eventually H put D3 to sleep and I snuggled with D2 in my bed. Eventually D2 and I fell asleep together and H left.

It hard to believe an evening like that didnt give him second thoughts.

I also learned the other day that H is reading a book called The Social Animal by David Brooks. Its a mainstream pshycology/socialogy book about the subconscious influences on a person decision making process. I bought the book this weekend. Its pro marriage. The book tells me he is searching for answers to something, he just doesnt know what he is looking for.

Today was a good day.

I still believe.
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2241647 - 04/29/12 10:23 PM Re: Brooklyn Babe [Re: BklynMom]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 283
That's great that you had a good day. I wish I could have a good day with my h and that he would read books about thought processes. Then again I don't know ...maybe he is.

Keep believing:)
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

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#2241648 - 04/29/12 10:26 PM Re: Brooklyn Babe [Re: BklynMom]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/08/11
Posts: 1276
Originally Posted By: BklynMom
Friday night was awesome with my H and kids.

I still believe.


Hey BM,

Good on you!

Hang on in there. You are awesome with your listening, accepting, validating.

I'm taking lessons from you!

This day with your H looks like a major step forward in terms of a good ongoing relationship.

He's seen that he can be with you and the girls and feel OK (well, probably feel great, but he wouldn't admit to that yet).

All that stuff about not wanting to give the kids the wrong impression is what my H goes on about all the time too.
My view is that he's backed himself into a corner and is feeling even worse than when he was coming around to visit us.

Either way, all we can do is to focus on having nice times whether they join us or not, and keep validating what they express as their feelings. The rest is up to them.

Again, I bow down before your validation skills!

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#2241651 - 04/29/12 10:33 PM Re: Brooklyn Babe [Re: NLW]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96

I am so excited for you! It sounds like you made it an awesome, loving, family moment. My best friend is currently a "WAW", she filed in November. That is the thing that gets her, the thing she misses, those special family moments that can nay be shared between the 4 of you. Watching her journey, I see how much doubt there really is on their side. I asked her this weekend if she was 100% sure she wanted a D and she said that he is being such an a$$ and making her feel terrible that she is sure. He is always saying how can you do this to your children, etc. It makes her distance more. She told me that if he was doing what we all (the mighty DB'ers) do there is no way she could go through with it. So excited for you. I believe for you!
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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