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#2236017 - 04/06/12 09:00 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ~ kd ~]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Thank KD, will need to process this a bit and see how it play out with my words & behaviors. Question for you, how did you "confront the lie" with acceptance of OP? How did that look for you?

Just finished up meeting with the new IC. I liked him. I explained how I feel stuck in not knowing what to do. He responded that while he won't tell me what I should do, he will try and offer more than a listening ear and at least offer some insight & direction.

First session, so a lot of time was on background, me & W and our sitch.

Long story short, he suggested that while speaking to W about these things may very well come, he'd like me to do some reading to that may help me with some better understanding at the emotional level. Book 1) "Hold Me Tight" followed by book 2 "Not Just friends".

C indicated these books may offer me 2 things. First, a better understanding at the emotional level of where both me and W are and then also it provides guidance on how to have conversations with a focus on reconciliation rather than accusation.

So another professional indicating not to breach the subject just yet. So I'll get the books and start the next reading project...
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2236027 - 04/06/12 09:31 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Originally Posted By: ces67
Thank KD, will need to process this a bit and see how it play out with my words & behaviors. Question for you, how did you "confront the lie" with acceptance of OP? How did that look for you?


I have to admit that it did not come about as an overt, direct conversation.

Rather, it began when I tried to find out where my D14 was and who she was with, last weekend. I wanted to see her for a bit, but she wasn't home when I dropped her off.

There were a number of holes in the story about where she was and who she was with and I then noticed that FS18's car was at the OP's house.

I had a breaking point there and I wanted to impress on D14 that I would not tolerate her lying to me. That I knew she was not where I was told she was nor whom she was with and that she needed to stop hiding the OP on the request of W.

Of course, that got back to my W who then, for the first time, actually spoke of the OP by name and suggested her relationship with him (non-romantic), which I believe is the true context now. But to which I responded that it did not concern me about W's relationship with OP, just the lying by hiding his existence in their lives.

Now, I don't expect that W, D14, nor D9 will be forthcoming with their interactions with OP now. But at least I was able to take care of a clear and no longer feel I have to pussy foot around him...

"Oh, OK... you're going out with OP and the crew? Sounds good, have fun! C U l8r!"

Hope that makes sense.

And so in your case, if there was a shirt and picture elephant in the room, I would now be very comfortable simply putting them on the table (literally) and saying something like:

"Hey, do you think OP might want this shirt back up one day and that is a great pic of you and OP and it might look good hanging on the wall over there."

Just put it out there, acknowledge that OP exists in your W's life, indicate your acceptance of such, and move on.

Your W's reaction and any consequences have nothing to do with you, but you are released of the double bind and her "power" and "control" over you are gone, at least in that context.

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#2236063 - 04/07/12 12:57 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ~ kd ~]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Glad it got it out in the open for you. I have already confronted my w when I found the first pic back in October. Also told her my concerns about her working with this family.

At this point I will give this new counselor a chance and read what he has suggested.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2236222 - 04/07/12 08:24 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
So trying to break my cycle of hope-expectations-disappointment... W was gone most of the night last night. Went with d10 to a movie with d10's friends and a few moms for a b-day party. W came home about 10pm. D10 was spending the night with the friend for the party. W said she was going back over for a bit and would be back soon.

I've learned that the definition of "soon" is very different for us. I was up until after 1am reading and q still was not home. Woke up again around 4am and her car was in the garage. Not sure why she doesn't just say she will be out late. Not sure why she has to pretend and lie about it.

She was friendly enough today. Told me about an odd dream she had that included me telling her how to take off her make-up. I just laughed a little at it. We talked about our weekend schedule and trying again tomorrow to take the kids to drive go-karts tomorrow afternoon.

Now I've been doing yard work and got a little sun for myself. About to head outside again and show my son how to use the weed-eater.

So formerly I would have been a bit hopeful with the casual conversations that w and I had last night and today. This time not so much. I can feel myself losing attraction for her ever so slightly and it makes me sad.

The smile that I fell in love with is gone or at least not there when I am around. Her caring nature isn't there much either. She is more self-absorbed and focused on material things and what I call "food time distractions".

I will keep trying. I still was a better marriage and I love my wife in the sense of commitment and promise. I hope some day the emotional connection is there as well to make a whole relationship, but I do not expect it at this point.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2236428 - 04/09/12 03:24 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Well easter was ok. Actually made it to church on time. As usual, my wife took d10 as soon as the last song ended and went to the car. S13 and I visited for a bit. As we were walking out to the car, s13 got a bit irritated with his mom and made some comment about not understanding why she doesn't like church. Had no answer for him.

After lunch at the house we went and did the go-karts. Had a blast driving with the kids. D10 ride with me once, her mom once and on her own twice. I also did a few things with just d10 that she wanted to do and no one else did. We had a lot of fun. Also played putt putt. W and I didn't talk much except just ne essay stuff.

We ate there before leaving. I asked some questions about the summer. The 3 week visit has been stretched to 5 or 6. W said wage was needed to cover he friend's business while they were out of town. At first she said it was due to a dance competition. At this I looked at her and said "so you and (OM) will be running things?". She looked at me for a second and said, "no, they will be on vacation and I'm covering while they are gone. Not sure if I believe her.

After we got home, I went for a run. Wife actually asked my help with something and said "thank you". Part of me feels like she was trying to cover but part of me wants to give her the benefit still seeing her as the woman I fell in love with.

Still had a great time with my kids. Discovers that s13 officially has feet as big as mine now. Told him I was going to have to start buying him cooler looking shoes!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2236446 - 04/09/12 04:16 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
i'm glad easter went well for you ces - you sound as if you're doing well - that's great:)

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2236696 - 04/10/12 03:05 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: zig]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Thanks. Still not sure how well I am doing but overall aim functioning well in my own life. Seems very little progress in the M and I need to decide how to change my approach. Also time to start a new thread...
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2236704 - 04/10/12 03:32 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
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