Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6

[alamo76]

Hi, 25 - so good to hear from you...it's been awhile!

Speaking of keeping up with changes, I think I may have shot myself in the foot in terms of her noticing any changes I make.

I have been out of work this year, but took up a new position last week. Something less "corporatey" unlike my last job; it was frighteningly sterile. Anyway, I kept this information from my wife because I knew that she would use this being-out-of-work-again as a strike against me on the child custody front. She's used this as one of the reasons to leave, so I knew she could potentially jump at that opportunity again.

I spoke to my legal counsel and she agreed that I should delay as long as possible.

But today when she came to my house, my wife said this:
W: Would you like me to tell you where I will be placed tomorrow?
M: Sure.
W: [Looks at me and smirks] Since you're out of work again, you can think about moving. Lower cost of living...
M: Yes, I'd like to know where you'll be going. And I quit my job. I've just joined John Muir Medical actually.
W: Riiiggghttt...

[25yearsmlc]

so are you saying you DID join John Muir and told her b/c....??

B/c she threw it in your face? I get that.

But I guess it would have come out anyhow...and you can modify child support when her income goes up and after the residency, it will. If yours also does, then no matter.

So did she not believe you or what? Sheesh...real nice...

guess it'll be hard for her when YOUR JOB means you can't pick up and up after her all the time.

She's definitely feeling entitled, isn't she?

sheesh again!

[alamo76]

so are you saying you DID join John Muir and told her b/c....??

B/c she threw it in your face? I get that.

Yes, I did join JM. I wanted it to be a smooth transition from being jobless for that duration and getting this new position. But as far as I know, that blew up in my face, because now I've verified (in her mind) that I can't keep a job (that has been an issue she's had with me) AND that I lied to her.

But I guess it would have come out anyhow...and you can modify child support when her income goes up and after the residency, it will. If yours also does, then no matter.

So did she not believe you or what? Sheesh...real nice...

The thing is, I don't know how she found out. I didn't officially disclosed my situation in any legal docs. Perhaps tax paperwork (I don't see how, since I still filed joint)? Perhaps our daycare provider let it slip (even though all she knew was that I found a job, not my being out of work)? Perhaps she has a mole in my life? I kept this low key, the only people who know are my family and church. No one on the forums (until now) or even FB know.

I don't think it's about her not believing me or not, 25. She's always thought I was a loser in terms of work, so with this she probably thinks: "So what's new with Alamo? He hasn't changed one bit."

What I can tell you is this: I haven't been comfortable or happy with my work in the long term because I gave up my engineering career in Asia and came to small college town in the Bible Belt to study Psychology. There isn't much work you can find with a BA in that field, at least one that can support a married life. Me getting my Masters was out of the question; she wanted to finish first, then I would go back to school. That was the plan, at least.

On top of that, I couldn't find many production engineering jobs, since this was during the financial crisis AND the fact that everybody was moving to China. As a permanent resident, I don't have security clearance to work at, say, aeronautic or military plants.

My first real job as a curriculum developer in 2007 came as a godsend, truly. That was my foot in the door, but to be honest, my lack of formal training showed through often enough. Most employers didn't mind, because my work made up for it. But as a man, as a person, I struggled with it.

My porn addiction and the consequent decreased respect from my wife made her come to the conclusion that I'm just a lazy, lying man, and not because that I'm kind of a fish out of water.

Lately, I've wished I could ask her (now that's completed her medical training) how she would feel if someone asked her to drop what she's doing and go into, say, sales or interior design as a long-term job. With her good work ethic, she would probably excel, but the question is: Will she be truly happy? Can she feel complete job-wise? Will she have the lasting power? I dare to say that she would not even consider it.

Sorry for being so long-winded.

[Redo]

Hi Alamo: Read up your recent posts. Man, a lot happening.

If there's one thing i have learnt through my cr@p, it is that i need to respect myself first. Only then others will.

Your partner needs to respect you for what you are as a person. Your qualities. Not your abilities.

So don't keep telling yourself that your not having a job a strike against you. Because the more you keep telling that you will start believing that. As 25 says, "Heart follows the head"

Keep on being strong man!

[alamo76]

Hey MK, fancy seeing you here after such a long time! I caught up a little with your thread. It's so hard to be positive when the other spouse just isn't seeing the changes THEY need to make, just as much as you do.

UPDATE 6pm
I'm very frustrated today. Not because my car's transmission broke for good. Not because I have to spend unnecessary cash on another car. My wife approached me to talk and our conversation was something like follows:

W: So you know that I got Spartasburg for my residency. Yadda yadda yadda.
M: Are you happy with it?
W: Yeah, I would've like Salinas (California), but Spartasburg is a 600-bed facility...yadda yadda yadda.
W: I just want you to know that I'm taking E (our son) with me to SC. We will be moving in June. You are more than welcomed to move there, or you can chose to stay, or move back to Malaysia, since you have a hard time with work. It's up to you.
M: I'd like E to be close to me. I'm not moving back to Malaysia. No way.
W: Well, I'm taking him with me. Under the new limited work hours law, we're not allowed to work more than 50 hours a week. The hospital also has daycare - it's ranked number #2 in the state of SC. So you can file what you want with your lawyers, but I can provide the judge with all the necessary reasons that will favor me.
W: [As she walks to her car and closes her door] You can't even hold a job, and I can prove that I have a stable one.

I don't know what to think now. I mean, I know what I must do, but what the heck? How is she so smug and self-confident? I bet when you read through the conversation, you can sense the immense self-confidence that she will win custody of our son, no matter what. How can one earn respect when she has none to give and because she (as a doctor with type-A personality and history of parental emotional incest) automatically demands respect wherever she goes.

I hate to say it but I've never felt Satan's presence so strongly between us. Did I already ask y'all to pray for me?

[MrBond]

Talk to a L ASAP and know what your rights are.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

^^^good idea. Man this puts things in perspective. I do not eny you my friend. Hang in there and God's speed.

[LITB]

Alamo,

Your W has had the gloves off for a long time. You have no choice but to bring your "A" game right now. Who cares what she thinks? You want your little man in your life. Your number #1 priority is your relationship with him.

As Mr. Bond said, see a L quickly.

[25yearsmlc]

as the w of an MD who put him through ALL THE FUN TIMES, I'm pleasantly surprised, and a bit disbelieving of their new hourly limit. My h still works hours longer than that and he's out of training...

I hate giving legal advice so I'm not--

but I'm GUESSING your L will say to File asap so your state has jurisdiction...

or else SC gets to decide all this stuff...As of now, you and son are NOT in SC so what's the delay in you taking legal action? The woman is telling you shes' taking your son away from you...period. Act now.

ALso--- she sure talks a good game of getting it all, but I don't buy it. It's still about SON'S interest and not her income....And you are the primary caregiver, or more of one than her.

So her emphasis on the "stable job" is wholly misplaced. I'd be VERY surprised if holding a stable job means - SHE GETS CUSTODY..no it means SHE PAYS YOU to care for son...sheesh...

and btw, does her residency have her do ANY CALL? B /c I think they all do.

Where will son go at 2 am? Gee...

Maybe the daycare is open 24/7... that sounds great for son. Super fun...


IMO, you need to go get custody...not saying that as a L, but as your DB friend.

Hey MK, fancy seeing you here after such a long time! I caught up a little with your thread. It's so hard to be positive when the other spouse just isn't seeing the changes THEY need to make, just as much as you do.

UPDATE 6pm
I'm very frustrated today. Not because my car's transmission broke for good. Not because I have to spend unnecessary cash on another car. My wife approached me to talk and our conversation was something like follows:

W: So you know that I got Spartasburg for my residency. Yadda yadda yadda.
M: Are you happy with it?
W: Yeah, I would've like Salinas (California), but Spartasburg is a 600-bed facility...yadda yadda yadda.
W: I just want you to know that I'm taking E (our son) with me to SC. We will be moving in June. You are more than welcomed to move there, or you can chose to stay, or move back to Malaysia, since you have a hard time with work. It's up to you.
M: I'd like E to be close to me. I'm not moving back to Malaysia. No way.
W: Well, I'm taking him with me. Under the new limited work hours law, we're not allowed to work more than 50 hours a week. The hospital also has daycare - it's ranked number #2 in the state of SC. So you can file what you want with your lawyers, but I can provide the judge with all the necessary reasons that will favor me.
W: [As she walks to her car and closes her door] You can't even hold a job, and I can prove that I have a stable one.

I don't know what to think now. I mean, I know what I must do, but what the heck? How is she so smug and self-confident? I bet when you read through the conversation, you can sense the immense self-confidence that she will win custody of our son, no matter what. How can one earn respect when she has none to give and because she (as a doctor with type-A personality and history of parental emotional incest) automatically demands respect wherever she goes.


Not sure what the emotional incest is all about but that smugness is her senior year of med school talking. Her humility comes soon...like by autumn of her first year when she realizes she knows NOTHING about practicing medicine on real people b/c people are not like the pictures in the books when they are your patients AND the staff is not so kind either.

They remember the "hard residencies" THEY had, and her relatively easy hours...being a single parent won't impress them. (They may be wary of working with her)

& though I don't wish this on her or anyone, when one of her patients crashes, she won't be so smug. It's VERY Humbling for all but the most narcisstic of people...so I guess we'll see.

Make your L appointment asap (and see if she can buy you a new trans)....

Imo, she will NOT see you differently until another 6 months or year passes, if then.

I can't promise EVER but from her tone, it'll take her a few notches of the real world experience, AND you getting son for her to wake the heck up. If then. Meanwhile YOU will be moving on in your new life with son, and letting him visit his out of state for her stable job, Mom...

Good luck Alamo, don't give up. This is the time you STAND UP for your son and that's all there is to it.

And don't buy into the "you're welcome to move there" crap. Who says she'll give you any custody then? I don't buy it and I don't believe her.

Don't give away your power. You have more power, ATM, than you realize. Don't waste it.


I hate to say it but I've never felt Satan's presence so strongly between us. Did I already ask y'all to pray for me?

You have our prayers...and so does your son. Pray to God, and don't focus on the Enemy. It plays into it. Turn to YOUR Savior and let HIM handle things for you.

make sense?

[labug]

Is she going to be a surgeon?