Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
She doesn't even work and yet she's calling all the shots about where you live and work? You don't even know that you'll get a job back in the old home town, but she has you thinking it's best for the kids. The thing is, she's thinking what's best for her right now. A woman who is having an A, hardly thinks about what's best for ANYONE, except herself. It's the nature of the beast.

You said you could not afford two households. Then don't agree to find another place to stay, and tell her that you will not finance her expenses for one. It just doesn't work for you. (How long has it been she's heard the word "no" from you?) Now, that is doing what's best for the kids.....not swapping out, playing babysitter every two weeks.

Let me tell you something about a wife who is having an A and wants out of the M. She has lost respect for her H. She's so done with him and the M. Nothing you do will change her feelings. Read it again.

I say that so you will base your decisions on what is the right thing to do for you and your children.....and not on how she'll feel about it. All she's going to feel is anger. No matter if you tuck your tail and follow her and the kids to the home town, it will not change her feelings.

A WAW who is in an A, has to find all the fault in her LBH so that it justifies her having an A and busting up her family.

Your family needs a leader. You need to be that leader, not your W. She does not have the family's best interest at heart.

Find your pants and start wearing them.

Sorry......something's come up and I have to run. I'll get back.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 149
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 149
Danielf (can I call you Elf for short?)

I am glad to hear that you are working on boundaries, as that seems to be one of your key areas (it takes one to know one).

When it comes down to it, boundaries are just about defining what's hers and what's yours. Her choices are hers, and you can't do anything to change them. Your choices are yours, and she can't do anything to change them.

If she wants to leave the family for OM, that is her choice - it's on her side of the boundary. If she wants YOU to leave the family so she can be with OM, she is trying to cross over and steal something on YOUR side of the boundary! Which can only happen if you let her do so - she may come over and act as though everythign belongs to her and she has the right to dictate what happens, but she can't dictate unless you capitulate.

As far as partenting goes, even though the two of you share taht function, there are still boundaries. There is the influence she has over your children, and that influence you have over them. She is using her influence to tell them, whether they realize it or not, that a woman has the right to decide she can do what she wants, regardless of her marriage vows. The way you respond will determine the influence you have over the children. You could become vicious in fighting against her behavior, telling your children that revenge is your perogative once you have been wronged. You could go to the other extreme and give in to her on everything she says, not allowing her to experience any of the consequences of her own choices, thus telegraphing to your children the idea that a woman has all the power in a relationship and can do what she likes, and that the man is obligated to pay the price of her actions (that she herself has no obligation to pay her own consequences). Or you can hold your own, recognozing her ability to make her own decisions, but mot rewarding her for such behavior, and not supporting it.

I think your idea of saying that you will n ot support her A by letting her use your computer to carry it on is a small but excellent example. Another is reclaiming the bed, which is as much yours as hers. (Yes, I realize that I aam sleeping separately fromn my W right now, but it is for different reasons and under different circumstnaces).

I agree that trying to kick her out is not necessarily a good idea (DR has a thing or two to say about giving ultimatums), . Saying you will not move out, nor will you resign custody of teh kids to her just because she wants them and wants another man at the same time, on the other hand, keeps you on your side of the boundary and stil gives you a powerful stand.

Just some thoughts.


Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 128
D
danielf Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 128
Wow. I really need help.
I talked with her tonight, told her that I will not be moving out, I'll be sleeping in the bed, And I do not plan to move to another state after the school year.
I was very calm. I implemented advice to talk about my choices rather than her and even though I think I was a bit wordy when I should have been direct, I think I was clear.
And then the fireworks began.
She cried a little bit, then she started yelling. I couldn't follow completely, but it started with saying that I was being mean and vindictive (I had started by saying that I hope she doesn't feel these choices are mean or vindictive, as that is not my intention, but they are choices for me and what I will do for myself). Then she was talking about her moving out and how I just want to take the kids away from her. Then she got up and picked up a crystal gift I gave her right before we got married and smashed it on the hearth. Then she grabbed an engagement photo and smashed it and ripped it up. I don't know how many of those she went through (4-5). I restrained her a bit at one point. Strange that it wasn't that hard. She is usually very strong; she's an athlete. But I got at least one large glass picture frame away from her.
Our son came down the stairs hysterical. I took him back up and got him in bed.
(I wrote the above last night while she was walking. When she got back, I put the computer away. The next post will be just a summary.)


Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 128
D
danielf Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 128
That was pretty scary. I need to check on the kids and on her, make sure everyone is physically alright. It is 5:30am. I slept better last night than most of the past month. Weird.
Anyway, I took the keys to our only car when she started talking about how she would be packing up the kids to leave ASAP (not just the house, but the state). I need to talk to law enforcement about that today.
She tried to hit me and threw a laundry basket at me (yeah, she continued to do laundry between explosions. It was surreal). But nothing last night would get the police involved.
She was so mad. I was a blank slate. I am proud of how I comforted the kids last night. They were all very scared and confused. I got them to all stay in big sis' bed together. I should have had them sleep with me, but first I didn't know how the evening would go and I was playing it by ear, and second I had this stupid sense that it would be unfair for me to swoop into their hearts and gain connection when Mommy was hurting them. I don't understand my feelings, but I hate a lot about myself. There is certainly deep emotional problems that center on me that were part of the cause of last night. I know I need to not accept responsibility for my wife's actions, both the affair and her rage. But how do I balance that with taking responsibility for what I've done?
So, I'm a little okay with just seeing last night as an angry teenager not getting what she wanted. I've never really stood up to her like that. I always thought I was strong like a rock, and it [censored] to find that I was strong like a sidewalk.
I broke down a little when she was out last night, but mostly I was granite-faced (like a deer in headlights?). Kids asked why I wasn't sad. I think that my detachment is scary and my general emotional detachment too. But I guess this isn't the best time to be connecting with how I feel.
I'm a mess. Anyone? I've gotta go make sure my wife didn't slit her wrists...


Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 128
D
danielf Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 128
I guess I was being dramatic. Thought I should let everyone know that everyone is physically safe.


Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 128
D
danielf Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 128
I really need help!
I just tried to apologize about making her feel a prisoner. We talked pretty calmly. I think things were staying level until I made the mistake of saying "you have talked several times in the last 18 hours about my pornography, but you haven't mentioned your problem." She evaded some even at that. I pushed.
Sandi2, thank you for all of your thousands of posts on this forum. You have helped me to understand where my wife is. But I've lost hope in DB and these methods. Nothing on here is close to my sitch. I took you guys' advice and even talked to lots of people before putting my foot down, and Boom! I know that things wouldn't necessarily look better immediately. But there is no way that this marriage can be saved. Maybe before last night. Maybe I could have followed through on the 2-week handoffs with the kids and really become the man she would admire and want. But now there is no way.
Sorry for wallowing in sorrow. I don't know what is going to happen.


Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
When you set boundaries, the other person is usually not happy. Did you expect her to just say, "OK, thanks"?

Give her time to calm down. Her anger is hers to deal with. You can do nothing about that.

In this sentence: "you have talked several times in the last 18 hours about my pornography, but you haven't mentioned your problem." what part do you control?

Does it do you any good to worry about anything other than what you control?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 128
D
danielf Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 128
labug, I intentionally made my choices and acted without trying to influence/consider her reactions. Everyone keeps saying that I've got to make my decisions and stop trying to bring her into them.
I guess I could have envisioned a few reactions:
She could have said, okay, then I'll move out.
She could have said, then I'm taking the kids and moving back home.
She could have said, I'm getting a lawyer.

Now I have to choose:
I could say, I'm so sorry, let's go back to plan A. (I know that it is plan doormat, but it looks a lot better than what I'm facing now)
Or I can say, sticking with my decisions.

Not a trivial note: we sat the kids down this afternoon and told them that Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce. [censored]


Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Did you really not expect her to over-react? I don't even know her and it didn't surprise me.

You are correct, she threw a tantrum b/c she didn't get her way. She controls you. You realize that, don't you? She will not give up that control easily. You should have stood up to her the first year of M. But, that's in the past and now your family experiences the consequences. Be careful and think it over before you act.

You made what you believed were the right choices for you and your children. She has the choice of staying or leaving.

Make sure you have thought this through very carefully. If she leaves without the kids, who will take care of them while you work, etc.

Don't discuss the porn and other things right now. It will not save the M by discussing it or making promises. Don't apologize for it any more. Don't apologize for anything you've already apologized about. It doesn't help to keep doing that, and it makes you appear weak.

Stay focused on one thing.....moving or not moving. Don't take all the problems of the M and hash over it again.

After she threw her fit and you are seeing the pain your children are in.....you regret telling her you aren't moving. Do not do anything just b/c this board tells you. This is your life! You have to do what's right for you and the kids.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 128
D
danielf Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 128
Originally Posted By: danielf

Now I have to choose:
I could say, I'm so sorry, let's go back to plan A. (I know that it is plan doormat, but it looks a lot better than what I'm facing now)
Or I can say, sticking with my decisions.


I think that either one could be okay.
I think that if I say, "Here, I know that most of why you haven't filed these is because it is complicated and arduous. So while you were gone for spring break, I filed the taxes and then filled out these divorce papers. I know that you hate that I was so full of righteousness that I refused to sign them. Well, it's up to you. If you choose to sign them, then they are ready. I put in what we had agreed about. You don't need to tell me when you've signed them or filed them. Whenever you're ready." Then I can move out and GAL, relieve some stress, and 180 like crazy for two weeks at a time. And on my two weeks of being a full-time single parent, there are huge and obvious 180s I can tackle (like taking care of the kids and house). I don't know if anyone has seen success with such a drastic "rope drop," but everyone says success is not only when the divorce is busted. I started this journey going deep reading "Inside Out" by Larry Crabb. It resonated with me and was a vision of how I wanted to be. And 12-steps and recovery are not moving me towards "protecting myself." It seems like everyone is telling me to "protect myself" as an exception to "working the program." But isn't where the rubber meets the road the place where I should be most desperately fighting AGAINST my self-interest and self-protection? And practically, the terms we had discussed were much more fair than what I could reasonably expect to "win" after the horrors and injuries of a legal battle.
Or, I could say, "these are my boundaries and I have to be a strong man and protect them." I could see her calming down. I could see her R w/OM dying sooner or later and her turning to find that I was learning how to be a man she can respect and trust.

I know how those two things feel to me, but I would like to hear from others.

Thanks again for being here.


Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard