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#2223940 - 02/21/12 07:23 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: labug]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
Originally Posted By: labug
Good plan jlove, let her make decisions for her.


That's my plan and I'm sticking to it, hardest thing I've ever done! Hope it works!
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


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#2224010 - 02/21/12 10:43 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
So the W and I are driving somewhere today and she starts talking about vacation we're taking next month and says "WE'RE" going again next year? today she's talking about all of these future plans for US (family too) and I just listen and agree with most. Now things have been warmer lately, but we still haven't talked about R our Retrouvaille or been too close, just warmer and she's considering my feelings about things. I don't want to chase, etc, but it leaves me in a state of confusion to say the least!!! I know W is also dealing with WAW issues and maybe this is her way?
The Vets here have been giving me great advice (Angel61, Sandi2, Truegritter, et al. thank you!) and I'm trying my best not to blow this. Hard to NOT talk about things when so much is planned and discussed and everything else seems on hold.
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


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#2224310 - 02/23/12 12:40 AM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
At 1st Bomb, I begged, pleaded, threatened, cried, etc and I thought it worked and brought W back. She lived a fake lie with me for about 2 months pretending all was well.
After "I can't take it anymore, you make me cringe speech," I got DB and DR and started my 180's and giving her space. Since then, we have had some coldness issues, but little physical contact and me not chasing seems to be working. I'm focusing on myself and my future with family, and now W is starting to bring up all these events in the future and OUR future together. I often wonder if she is just still faking it till she makes it, or sincere, but a lot of what she's doing she doesn't have to (checking in with me, etc.) and I don't ask, so it is foreign to me. Also, not having told her I love her in over a month is weird or holding her much. I really wish she'd bring up registering for Retrouvaille as she hasn't forgotten about it, but we haven't discussed it and I'm not going there. We have all these other plans around that date filling up, and I think it'd benefit us, but I have to be patient!
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


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#2224315 - 02/23/12 12:54 AM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11144
"I begged, pleaded, threatened, cried, etc and I thought it worked and brought W back. She lived a fake lie with me for about 2 months pretending all was well. "

You know she could very well have been trying and it was real. But she either felt guilty or smothered by you and had to leave again.

You don't need to be patient but compassionate as well. Try and see things from her POV.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2224317 - 02/23/12 01:02 AM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: MrBond]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
Originally Posted By: MrBond
"I begged, pleaded, threatened, cried, etc and I thought it worked and brought W back. She lived a fake lie with me for about 2 months pretending all was well. "

You know she could very well have been trying and it was real. But she either felt guilty or smothered by you and had to leave again.

You don't need to be patient but compassionate as well. Try and see things from her POV.


Yes, I agree she could have been for real too. She kept telling me I was smothering her during that period. Always bringing up EA, crying, huggy, needy, tm all the time, etc. Classic desperado. I'm sure it helped drive her away (even though she still lives and sleeps in same bed, but it's still not here with me).
Yes, I am trying to see everything from her point of view and am doing ok, but there are times that I want to lose it. have to keep my cool.
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


Top
#2224634 - 02/24/12 02:15 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
Things seem to be getting better. Tough night last night as she came home wasted, almost falling down drunk. I just asked her how her night was and said she should have called me for a ride. She said she was fine but "things are falling in my way tonight."
Anyway, I think she was just hanging out after work and had two too many, but it's her life to live. We just cannot afford a DUI or her to wreck and hurt someone or herself.
I keep praying for God to make me the rock in the family right now, and for him to just lift her up to see what she's doing to herself and those that love her. Ironic that me, the alcoholic in the family may end up needing to go to Al-Anon to deal with my W. I keep wondering if there may also be MLC with her at play here too.
Day by day, I get stronger and more firm in what I want to be/do. In the end, I think she may be begging/chasing me to reconcile. I guess things could be worse. Later, J
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


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#2224853 - 02/25/12 01:34 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
today is youngest S B-day. Busy day today with our family and that is a good thing. We have so many events as a couple/family planned the next few months, it's almost like a dream/nightmare that we're even going through all of this at times. We seem to act like NOTHING is going on with our R most of the time, except much physical closeness. A kiss here and there, but that's about it for the last month or so. It's strange and often has me wondering if we'll ever get romance back in the R.
I'm not pursuing, I really think she'll come around soon. I just want to deal with all the R issues in Retrouvaille or counseling before we really get started back sexually. This will be tough for me to deal with as my drive is high and it's been so long now. Something for me to consider the pros/cons.
i'm starting to think about a lifetime, rather than just the next short while, etc. so I need to keep all of that in perspective here too.
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


Top
#2225349 - 02/27/12 02:33 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
We had a peaceful weekend. Still strange not dealing with any R issues and being together all the time planning for future together. Guess it could be worse, but my personality is to deal with the tough stuff and get it over with, and W would rather bury issues. She does seem to be thinking about how I feel though, so that is an improvement.
Sermon at church yesterday was on temptation and how the devil will always be out there tempting us, but never anything we cannot cope with and how we can avoid tempting situations. Spoke to me deeply, like staying out of bars and liquor stores so I don't drink. Kept wondering what W was thinking (know I cannot mind read) about her temptations, but I couldn't even look her way during sermon...
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


Top
#2225487 - 02/27/12 09:41 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
Talked about Retrouvaille today. She asked me if I would rather do that or the Dr. Stanley DVD/CD series. I would rather do Retrouvaille, but WE need something. I told her I'd do what she wants. Living in limbo land is tough.
She said she'd think about it, but just wants to do one thing "and not be in therapy forever?" It's a step in the right direction, for sure, but this isn't going to be easy or short I'm sure. I told her Retrouvaille is forward thinking, and she told me she has a hard time getting her head around the future or thinking about it. She told me right now it's still "day to day" and she doesn't know what she wants to do, but doesn't want to hurt me. I told her I understood that and I knew, because she is a good person and left it at that...
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


Top
#2225537 - 02/28/12 02:02 AM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
I feel like I'm being tested to see what my breaking point is. Both by my W and myself at times. How long can I take this? I'm not patient at all and it's only 3 months. I know with God, I can do longer, and this is the man I want my kids to see at the end of all this, regardless how it turns out. it is like a slow band-aid pull off over and over. I miss an idea of my wife and wonder if I miss a wife that really never was there, or never will be that wife. Oh, I got a feeling this will all end with ME, just hope I can act with patience, grace and compassion.
I'm better at setting boundaries with W and she listens now, but our relationship is just plain strange. if I had any extra $ I need to take a long trip by myself to sort out myself. Me being the primary childcarer for the last 3 years hasn't given me enough time for me. Raising 3 kids almost on my own has been rewarding in many ways though, and they know me better than her now and often come to dad with problems, that's rewarding and is priceless!
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


Top
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