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Originally Posted By: labug
Maybe Cadet can point you to his pursuer/distancer information.


Here is the info that is on DB

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209


Me-70, D37,S36
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jks Offline OP
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Very interesting.

I had the worst dream last night. I confronted the OW face-to-face and she admitted to me that they were physical with each other. And H was totally disrespectful... I repeat, this was only a dream. But I woke up in the middle of the night having serious thoughts of asking him questions about his R with her. And feeling like I don't want this anymore. Couldn't have come at a worse time.

I found a friend that lives on my mom's street who's husband is in the same profession as my H and had the same thing happen with OW from work texting and becoming too close with him. This is probably a huge reason for the dream because of my conversation with her yesterday.

I will keep on, though... if he is the man I always thought he was, then he will nip this in the bud with OW. Time will only tell.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
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Don't you just hate those dreams?!?!!? I have found that I totally needed to detach myself from finding out any information about the OW in my situation. In my situation, he had an EA with a woman from work and it extremely hard not to want to know every bit of information, but sometimes it just makes me feel worse and then these crazy dreams happen.

I know what you mean about waiting to see if he's the man you always thought he was. I'm not too sure what goes through their heads when they do these things. You are right Time will only tell and hopefully things will get better between you and your H. I will pray and hope for you!!!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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jks Offline OP
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Yeah, my new friend mentioned something to me that was making me think... She asked if I thought anything was going on more than just a "friendship" between him and OW and I said "no" which she then asked "Do you think you just may not be ready to accept that?"

Hmmmmm... maybe not. I do trust my H but lately with the things I'm finding out about his feelings and how close he's become with this girl, maybe I am totally off. This is messed up!


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Posts: 623
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I cleaned quite a bit yesterday and it felt good to get things done. I'm still struggling with my kids, though. I'm trying so hard not to lose my temper but after being with them all day long with no time for myself whatsoever... it is exhausting and hard to keep my cool. I generally always apologize right after but I wish I didn't have to make the apology in the first place.

I hate yelling at my kids. I hate the way I let them affect me. I should be able to control my emotions. I'm reading a book that talks about kids and power struggles and I completely get what the author is saying but have yet to master it. There should have been a class in High School that kids had to take on maintaining healthy relationships. Probably would do the world a lot of good.

Got one measly text from H two nights ago asking how my S's B-day went and how S was doing. My response, "We had a lot of fun. And he's doing well." He then said, "oh good :)"

Haven't heard anything from him since. One thing that makes me very sad and this is the pessimist in me... but what if he died tomorrow? His job is somewhat dangerous and I think about that a lot. Just wishing I had more time with him in case his days are few... I also feel like he would die with me not really knowing the true him. Which is a horrible feeling. So many unanswered questions.

I know the focus right now needs to be working on me. I'm continuing to exercise. And continuing to work on keeping things clean. The work with my kids is going to be a long road, I feel. Now that I'm living with my mom I'm realizing that I am so much like her and growing up, I didn't really like her. So awful to say but it just means I have to work that much harder to break the cycle.

I want to be someone my kids feel like they can always come to if they're ever in trouble. Not have to hide things from me because they think they're going to get in trouble. Major, major work needs to be done on my part.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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just caught up on your sitch. wow. we have some similarities!

months ago, i was snooping through phone bills and discovered H had thousands of txts. there was a "friend" at work i suspected he had become a little too friendly with. not physically but definitely emotionally. it drove me insane thinking about what was going on.

in the end, what he was doing.. who he was talking to.. didn't change my situation and really wasn't something i could control. i had confronted him on it but.. he's still going to do what he's going to do.

focusing on the kids and strengthening your relationship w/ them is a great thing. don't let what's happening in your M have power over your relationship w/ them.

take care.


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 41
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I see many similarities between our stories. Isn't it funny how we think we are unique individuals and the reality is that we are just repeating the same behavior people have been doing since time started. I love the DR book because it is like my life has been observed and documented by strangers.
I don't know if my W is seeing someone else, but all of the signs are there.
We are in the same boat. Trying to GAL all the while trying hard not to let the past slip away. Just keep up the good work and don't backslide. If I could give you a high five right now I would!


Married:11yr
Son:2yr
Bomb 8/2011
Asked for divorce 10/2011
Returned 11/2011
WAW 3/2012
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
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jks Offline OP
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H just texted me and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with him. I need advice. The thing is I have a lot of time to think about it because he doesn't want to go out until after the end of the month. I guess things at work are going to be busy for him until then.

I know I shouldn't talk about the R. I just wonder if there are specific things anyone could share with me about where my thought process should be. This will help me prepare. Thanks, everyone!


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
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"""He is the KING of not talking about anything. For our whole marriage I have pretty much gotten just the surface of him. He just doesn't share his deepest thoughts... ever! For the most part he has always just agreed with what I say.""

So much of what your wrote matches my H completely. Read No More Mr. Guy. Check out the web site. Your H has many deep psychological issues. Why did he let you treat him badly for years and not tell you he was hurting, and just walk out?? He needs to figure this out.

You need to continue on your path. I can completely relate to your anger issues. many things can help with that. IC with a good & experienced therapist, medication, 12 step programs, reading books like "Stop walking on eggshells", meditating, start trying different things and see which work for you.

As you know you can not make him see the light but you can love yourself more. Work on that.

Three kids, must be busy!! Be kind and gentle to yourself, what you are going through is not easy.

Why not go to dinner with him?? I think its a chance to show your changes.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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jks Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: jks
H just texted me and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with him. I need advice. The thing is I have a lot of time to think about it because he doesn't want to go out until after the end of the month. I guess things at work are going to be busy for him until then.

I know I shouldn't talk about the R. I just wonder if there are specific things anyone could share with me about where my thought process should be. This will help me prepare. Thanks, everyone!


I guess I should be more clear... I did accept his invitation. But still concerned on where my thought process should be while on the date.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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