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#2231518 - 03/18/12 04:14 AM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: BklynMom]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: BklynMom
So much of what your wrote matches my H completely. Read No More Mr. Guy. Check out the web site. Your H has many deep psychological issues. Why did he let you treat him badly for years and not tell you he was hurting, and just walk out?? He needs to figure this out.


I ordered that book just today, blkynmom. Thank you so much for directing me to that... I think it will help a lot. I also purchased a book call The Enabler. It got good reviews on Amazon so we shall see.

I never would have thought my husband had psychological issues whatsoever because in so many ways he is so normal and happy. Well, obviously he wasn't that happy because look where we are right now... but you know what I mean. All along he was just trying to put up a front to make things better. How does a person live that way? I really am so curious to read that book to get some answers on that. I'm sure it will help him a lot in knowing why it is that he's so unhappy as well.

I know he realizes in this R that he is just as much to blame as I am. I know his dad has told him that several times before. So he is owning up to his faults in this. For that, I am grateful. He could easily see this as a one-sided thing that I am the only one that has changing to do. And we would probably be a lot worse off than we are now.

As for medication... I have since started to take some things and, wow, does it help. I recently was diagnosed with Adult ADD which would explain my struggle to focus on a task and get things done. It's crazy to know that I've been living with all of these crappy mental illnesses and just trying to cope with them and get by. When all along I could have been doing something about it. And that's where I wish my H would have taken a bit more initiative. Like... "Look, honey, obviously there is something wrong with you, what can we do to help you?" I would have loved to have had that conversation years ago. (I know that sounds kinda harsh, but it was obvious so it wasn't like I was going to get all defensive about it... just needed his support.)

Hopefully these types of conversations will be able to come up in the future. Still would love some advice as to where to keep my thought process on our date in a couple weeks if anyone would love to share.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2231554 - 03/18/12 02:31 PM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: jks]
labug Online
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9284
Loc: Sonoran Desert
You have babies, you can definitely turn your relationship with them around! smile

I have young adults and I've been able to create a very different R with them. And both of them have validated that to me this past week.

Keep digging inside yourself. My best question to myself when pausing before flying off the handle: How important is it?

But first you have to learn the pause.

You can do this!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2231558 - 03/18/12 02:45 PM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: labug]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: labug
But first you have to learn the pause.



Ah, yes, I get this. It probably would be a good thing for me to use in my marriage as well. Then I'm not saying things I would regret later.

I will be working on this.

Labug, I'm glad that you were able to turn things around with your R's with your children especially with how much older they are. This just tells me it's never too late. Great advice.

Sidenote: I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and delivering a baby and the man sitting with me helping me along was not my H. I immediately woke up and thought he is slipping away from me. I don't even dream of us together anymore. I then had a second dream where I was also pregnant and soon to have the baby and he kept leaving the room to talk on his cell phone with other women. I was crying and screaming at him, wishing that he could understand how much that was hurting me and he just kept rolling his eyes in annoyance. It is so hard to keep my mind in reality and out of this dream world because they feel so real.

He has disappointed me so much and doesn't anyone think it's a little weird that he would invite me to go to dinner with him in two weeks? Why wouldn't he just bite the bullet and go with me this week? That is strange. Like he needs a whole another two weeks to prepare himself? His work isn't that needy on his days off that he can't take a little time to spend some time with his W. But whatev... just bitter this morning.

I'm still grateful for the invite but the timeframe seems a bit ridiculous.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2231560 - 03/18/12 03:01 PM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: jks]
labug Online
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9284
Loc: Sonoran Desert
The things you learn here are for your whole life, not just your kids or your marriage.

Picture the person you want to be and start moving toward that. Begin to state directly to yourself what you want as well as what you don't want.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

Top
#2231602 - 03/18/12 09:08 PM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: labug]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: labug
Picture the person you want to be and start moving toward that. Begin to state directly to yourself what you want as well as what you don't want.


I will be seriously making a list about this in my journal today. Thank you...

H came to pick up the kids today. He looked really good and happy. It's times like these that remind me why I'm going through so much to keep us together. He is so worth it. We really have such a great little family together. I know he must feel this.

He has mentioned thoughts of getting a D (last time he mentioned this was the end of Jan.) but has never filed and for that I feel really blessed. I think he realizes just as much as I do that we have a lot to lose if we call it quits now.

We had to do some adjusting with car seats for the kids before he left so I went out to his car to help him with that. Then I went around to all of the kids to give them all their hugs and kisses and he waited behind me to give me a hug when I was done. That made me happy. Babysteps.

I am feeling good right now. I am excited to have a couple days without the kids to read these books that I've purchased and to continue to work out. At first, giving him the kids for as long as I was, was killing me. However, I was still living in our house by myself and I'm now living with my mom which just helps ease the pain of feeling lonely. Especially at night. I feel very lucky that my mom has been here for me at such a hard time.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2231610 - 03/18/12 09:50 PM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: jks]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
I am happy that he gave you a hug and that you are feeling good right now. I, sometimes, think I need someone to live with me too, because the loneliness kicks in a lot.

I'm glad he has not mentioned D to you since January. Keep looking at those baby steps. I know that's what I need to do!
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

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#2231641 - 03/19/12 01:20 AM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: hopingandpraying]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1868
My H was sooooooooo normal and soooooooo happy. I cant believe I didnt see something was wrong

Getting a hug is huge. Having a date huger! Count your blessings.
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2231975 - 03/20/12 05:25 AM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: BklynMom]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
You know how I was debating about what I should do for work? Well, my mom just offered me a job today working for her business. It actually may be the perfect answer because I can still be around for my kids and make money while I'm living with her. Kind of a win-win. Weird how our prayers are answered when we're patient and let things take their course, right?

I texted H to see if he was able to talk about it tonight but he was on his way to work so I said I'll talk to him tomorrow. I feel I need his input on this just for the sake of knowing if he'll be available to take the kids a bit more so I can train.

We will see...
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2232419 - 03/21/12 07:22 PM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: jks]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Things have been taking a good turn. I can tell that the space that I've been giving H has been good for him.

I actually hung out with his sister last night and had a really good talk with her. She said she hasn't talked to him in a long time about anything but she gets the feeling that he wants to work on things between us. I can feel that from him too. I had a lot of anxiety on my way over to her house but it felt so good to be able to see her again. She is one of my favorite people in the world... but obviously I have to keep my distance because she reminds me too much of my H. And she totally gets that.

H dropped of the kids today and actually stayed around for a little bit and talked with me. It was really nice to feel him not seem so rushed and NEEDING to get away from me. And we did end with a hug which was instigated by him again. Lots of small little things happening... but I hope it keeps up this way.

I read almost the entire time while my kids were gone a book called Parents, Kids, and Power Struggles. Wow, if you want to learn how to connect with your little children, this is one I would recommend. I'm already feeling changes between us. I really missed them while they were gone and it helps me appreciate them so much more. That is definitely a blessing inside all of this madness.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2232420 - 03/21/12 07:25 PM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: jks]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Sorry... the book is actually called KIDS, Parents and Power Struggles. Just in case anyone is trying to look it up. smile
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
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