Husband left me...feel hopeless

[labug]

Right.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done but I had a lot of growing to do.

[hopingandpraying]

Yes, you seem like a very strong person and I am sure that you have done significant amounts of growth. I feel like I'm not there yet, because I do feel so much pain still. I try to see the positives in life, but I don't think I'm there yet. I just don't know...It's hard when things aren't going the way you want them or envisioned them and when I can't help my H, the way I think he needs help. I know the only person that can help him is himself, but it's so hard when my R with him is out of my control.

[jks]

I can tell you that this is why so many people on here say to GAL. Start doing all the things that make YOU happy and YOU alone. This will help you more than you know. Eventually you get this surge of feeling in control of yourself and your feelings. Go out with girl friends as much as you can and try something new that you've never tried before.

I'm so sorry that you're hurting like this. I think we are all so lucky to have these boards to vent on. Keep doing it. I noticed in the beginning that I was having all the feelings you were except I was voicing them to my H because I couldn't keep them in any longer. I needed to get them out. So you are doing great by keeping it away from him.

I read in the DR book that it generally takes the same amount of months of consistent DBing as the years that you've been married/together. So just know that what ever he's going through is going to take time for him to figure out. You wouldn't want him making a rash decision based on a feeling right now anyway, right? He could choose to stay with you only to eventually leave in a month or two because he was doing it for the wrong reasons OR he could decide to leave you completely because he may feel pressured from you or doesn't see you making the changes from within that he wants to see.

After everything I've gone through I can tell you that I would much rather give my H the time to really think everything through with his whole heart. Without me pressuring him and without emotions flying off the wall. I can tell that his heart has softened naturally on its own.

Plus, this is such a great time for you to focus on yourself and perfect the person you want to be for yourself.

[breakdownbill]

I'm only just staring to detach and the one big positive for me is the removal of anxiety and pressure I feel about trying so hard to make it work right now. I love my W and although she probably doesn't think I'll ever forgive her about the Affair - I already did. I'm more concerned now with what led to the breakdown of our own R, so I don't make the same mistakes ever again whether I'm lucky enough for my W to give us another go or not.
Until I sort that out in my own head and really GAL - by that I mean GAL doing stuff because you are happy doing it and are not thinking about it. Until I'm at this point I honestly don't think I want any R, even as hard as it is being seperated / detached from my W.

[Jenna333]

(((Stephanie))) I'm reliving what I went through while reading your posts. Mornings were torturous for me. Eventually I found solace in saying to myself, out loud, "I am only in control of myself. I did not choose this. He chose to walk away." I would also repeat, "If it's meant to be, it will be." I would sometimes say them through tears, and I would typically have to breathe deeply and try to distract myself. That is when GAL came in handy.

I tell you what, though, we've been back together for 1 1/2 months now and it's been incredibly rough. It's starting to mellow out, but for a while I wanted out. Towards the end of our separation I started to realize how I deserved so much better, how I couldn't forgive him for letting another girl be the catalyst for his leaving his family. I was so elated that he wanted me back by the time it happened that I wouldn't make myself face what I was actually sacrificing by being with him again. It did feel like a sacrifice, and sometimes still does. Repairing the trust issues has to be the hardest thing I've ever tried to do.

If he left again, or if I left, I know I would be ok. I'd find happiness with someone else. Most importantly, the separation allowed me to find happiness within myself, and that is something I will carry with me throughout my life, regardless of who is by my side, if anyone.

Find that strength within yourself. I know how hard it is to not obsess about the R and changing yourself do that your H wants to come back. I think many of us start changing for that reason. I know that I started to love the person that I was becoming, and I actually felt sorry for J, for leaving someone so great!

Under the Tuscan Sun was a good movie for me to watch. It's about a woman who was cheated on and left, and she finds her own happiness

[labug]

Stephanie, I know you are in pain. It does get better with time.

Here's where your work lies:

It's hard when things aren't going the way you want them or envisioned them and when I can't help my H, the way I think he needs help. I know the only person that can help him is himself, but it's so hard when my R with him is out of my control.

You relationships are never within your control, no matter who they are with.

Be careful about deciding what other's need. Unless they ask for something in particular it is usually seen as controlling to step in and "fix."

[hopingandpraying]

Yes I understand that about the giving help thing. I am backing off him and just listening when he talks about things. He is realizing that he needs some kind of help because he is going to see a psychiatrist this week. I hope it goes well for him and he can start to figure out why he is so unhappy with everything in life. Nothing is ever good enough for him. It's been like this since day one ....but I was never the point of his disappointment. We were that happy couple...the couple that everyone looked at as having strong, loving marriage. It just hurts me so bad that we're here now...

[hopingandpraying]

Advice needed? So my H's birthday is this Friday. I don't want to do anything really for it because I don't want to push him further away, but I don't want him to think I don't care. I was thinking (since we are supposed to have fun with each other) that I would invite him out for ice cream a couple days before his birthday, because he will be right by our house. Any suggestions? My DB coach said "why not just throw it out there??" But I wanted advice from you guys...

[YankeeCandle]

OMG Stefanie - this is what happened with us too!! So many people saw us going really well together, and we did. We were such a strong couple. Now, he too is seeing a therapist, and I feel I can't suggest a thing to him for fear of him interpreting that it is me being controlling. So, I have totally stepped back and not emailed or called him - unless to respond. I let him do all the contacting. Fortunately, he does contact me several times a week otherwise I would get VERY sad.

Once in a while I feel I have to risk making a suggestion to help him see a different perspective instead of him being stuck in his head the whole time. Whether he takes it or not is his choice, but at least I 'planted a seed'.

As for whether to contact him for his B-day or what have you. Personally, I would simply send him an ecard and leave it at that. If you want to 'plant a seed' and leave it alone - don't push on anything. Hopefully, he will call to thank you and maybe suggest an outing. But, personally I wouldn't suggest it (but that's me because I'm tired of the rejection).

[jks]

How do you feel he feels about the dating decision? Do you think he's on board? Does he seem hesitant to go on the dates?