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#2231520 - 03/18/12 04:23 AM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: hopingandpraying]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I'm curious, did you find out why it took him so long to respond?

And, as far as suggestions... I'd love to hear them myself...

Anyone?? LOL!
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2231522 - 03/18/12 07:02 AM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: jks]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
How did the date go?!
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

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#2231549 - 03/18/12 01:42 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: Jenna333]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
I have not asked him why it took so long to respond. I'm going to ask him today. We did not go on the date yet. I'm going to take a shower and get ready now. My plan is breakfast and then to go on a walk with him because that is usually when he opens up the most. We will see how it goes...any other suggestions for those who have been through this??
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

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#2231553 - 03/18/12 02:10 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: hopingandpraying]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9069
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Why ask why? Will the answer get you closer to your goals?

What's your motive for asking? Your expectation?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2231556 - 03/18/12 02:39 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: labug]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
Labug,

I guess you are right. I want to ask because I guess it is a part of being open and honest. My goal is to stay married to him and have him move home (my hope/dream is in the next month), but I know that is an expectation and asking for a lot. I would never say that to him, but all I want is him home.

I do have to look at the positives of this because a month ago, I didn't think we would be going on a date. Granted, our coach suggested it, and then I initiated, but he agreed right??? He is also going to see a psychiatrist this Wednesday, which he told me about yesterday on the phone. I do want him to continue to be open and honest with me about his day to day life, but I want to know his feelings too!
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

Top
#2231561 - 03/18/12 03:07 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: hopingandpraying]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9069
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I think asking him makes you sound like his mother. Is that the relationship you want with him?

What would be the acceptable answer for you? And if the answer is not acceptable, what do you do?

Just how important is it?

He wants space. Is asking this question giving him that?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2231564 - 03/18/12 03:42 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: labug]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I agree with Labug, I was only asking to see if he had mentioned anything about it... but if he didn't then I would leave it at that.

Focus on your date and have a good time. Don't get sucked in to talking about the R even if you're feeling like you really want to ask him something. Keep it light and friendly.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2231609 - 03/18/12 09:43 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: jks]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
Date went okay. I tried really hard not to talk about our relationship, but to focus on the positives going on in our lives, but I still had questions about his A. I needed to know if he had PA with this girl, too, or if it was EA. I needed to know this because a part of me does not think I can heal from a PA. He, then, admitted to being physical with the OW three weeks ago. He says they still talk at work, but nothing more than that. I was completely hurt and could not eat my breakfast at that point.

I, still, continued with our date and tried to be upbeat and talk about neutral things like going out and the news and weather. We, even, took our dog for a walk for a half hour...baby steps right. He also took clothes from the house for the warmer weather. He did agree to let the dog out again and said he would come here Tues and Wed. He did open up and say that he is seeing a counselor this Wednesday also, so that is a plus.

However, he mentioned selling our house, which to me is a clear cut, "I don't want to be with you." I simply asked him why? He said well if we are not together, then we don't need the house, and I said well if we are together? He said that he just wants to move into an apartment and live a simple life. Now, we have a dog, cat, and a three bedroom house with a finished basement...a lot of stuff that won't fit into a two-bedroom apartment. I just don't understand...
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

Top
#2231611 - 03/18/12 10:02 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: hopingandpraying]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Oh, I am so sorry! That really is the last thing you wanted to hear today.

All I can say is, this is JUST the beginning. Although you have so many questions and want to know everything and want to know it right now, you have to remember the things that you've learned here. I have the best quote from someone on this board that I'm going to post for you. Hopefully it will help you gain some perspective. It is quite powerful.

(His PA may be a dealbreaker for you, but that is something you're going to have to figure out for yourself. No one can tell you what the right thing is to do.)

I really am so sorry. You are stronger than you know, girl!
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2231612 - 03/18/12 10:04 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: jks]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Here is the quote. I don't remember who wrote it... I just copied and pasted it and emailed it to myself so I would always have it when I was having a rough day.

Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.

We get the two confused.

We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.

The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.

Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.

But I say that it's the working that makes it not work.

When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.

When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.

When you argue, you're working at improving them.

When you try to reason with them.

When you tell them how much you love them.

Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.

Proof? You want proof?

Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.

Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.

It's perfectly okay.

And watch them improve themselves.

Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.

You have put the white flag up.

You've thrown your gun down.

That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.

It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.

Agree with them.

Do not disagree at all.

It's not to your advantage.
....Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.

Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."

Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."

I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."

"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."

"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"

"Yeah, I want her back."

"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."

And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
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