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Thanks MrBond as well. Very simple and direct!

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@ chatter

Thanks for all the advice especially concerning researching her illness. In response to your opinion concerning me enabling her. I'm still not understanding what you are trying to say. How can I set boundaries when she is in complete rebellion mode? Yes I will continue to do dishes everytime until she decides to help or even if she doesn't. Btw, there is no cooking, cleaning, etc, or anything that we do together anymore. As I mentioned before, I work from 8-5pm, daily. She works from 5pm-10pm every evening. We hardly even see each other let alone doing anything. She hardly ever cooks anymore anyway even for herself, just fast food. How can I admit to not carrying an equal load and strive to do better? Remember, she doesn't want to be with me anymore.
Another part of that 180 would be to admit that in the past you did not help carry the load on household chores but now you are working towards carrying an equal load. I understand the 180s but with our scare time together the only options I have are to clean the house(which I didn't do a lot before) and taking care of myself even more.

(Doing it all breaks rule 4, 8.) I never do this.
Pointing out that you are doing it all breaks rule 34.) Or this..

(Learn more about boundaries.) Well I'm here to do that. Lol.

Again thanks a bunch buddy.

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Update:

Hello All,

My wife and I are still separated. And still living together. Nothing much has changed on the surface, but I've been doing well. Hanging with son more, becoming more involved in church, and spending time/fellowship with my family and close friends.

She has still been partying every Friday-Saturday, and has still been leaving the house after getting off work twice during the week. She still only have the same two friends that she mostly talks to daily. She still seem to ignore our son more than I think she should.(i.e. When she gets home after work and he is still up, she is on the phone when she walks in and continues that conversation over an hour at times, while on facebook on the computer. He leaves me to go to her, only to get ignored.) Also she has started picking up extra shifts in the day twice a week to make extra money, while leaving our son at her mothers. 49 or so days and counting and still not ONE dish washed by her! Although there aren't many, but still I end up washing the few she leaves. And I am still the only one that cleans up, after her and our son, in bathroom and common areas. I have mentioned already to her that she needs to clean after herself to no avail.

Although I don't mind taking the 10mins total to clean, how can I politely mention yet again the following:

That she needs to clean up more???

That our son is being affected by her ignoring him?

That leaving him late at night is probably not a great idea?

Or should I not mention any of the above?

Should I start to not be around, at night, as to not enable her leaving him?


Thanks!

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Btw, she has not mentioned anything about divorce or moving out anymore since 1 month ago. She seems to be comfortable being separated, irresponsible, and to not have to answer to anyone.

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The cleaning is a symptom of the greater issue. Her being absent.

Do you get along with the mother-in-law ?

This is what I am talking about with the enable.

She right now gets to do what she wants. When she wants. She can make choices that affect you and your son. Without communication and agreement with you. She uses you and your mother-in-law. So she can party. Do what ever then come home and she knows that you will pick up her load for her. And if you cannot then she dumps the boy on her mom.

If you get along with the mother. Then you need to nip this babysitting in the bud. You also need to call her out on her responsibilities as a mother.

And yes I would dump your son on her when you know she is hung over. When she is tired. When she plans on going out.

As the concern of OM does not affect your thoughts either way.

When you get to the point that you can no longer take this crap behavior from her towards you and your son.

Sit her down.

And very calmly explain to her that you no longer have faith in her as a wife and as a mother. Based on her not being consistent in her actions.

Tell her your moving in this direction. You are done with carrying the full load of being a father, husband and attempting to heal the marriage. You are done with pressuring her to be a wife and a mother. You are done with being with someone who does not want to be with you.

That your doing well because you are being honest with yourself. That you and your son will be fine. As your are done waiting and do not plan on waiting forever. She is free to go off and do what ever she wants. But she is no long allowed to do these actions under this roof.

Then get up and walk away.

I see you heading here.

How long it takes.

Thats up to you to decide.


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This free's you to fully commit to yourself and your son.

And to heal.

This also free's her to decide what she wants to do with her life.

For if she wants to be with you. She will work hard at getting back with you.

See you have one goal.

Stop this repeating crappy relationship. With break-ups every few months. IT is not stable for everyone involved.

But to get there you need to nip this breakup.

Then you need to work on figuring out why it always happens.

She also needs to do this.

Then you both need to be honest with each other if you want to heal and fully commit.

Then learn the skills to fulfill this commitment.

That is the end goal.

But some times you need to take a tough path to get there.


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I do not believe in giving up on a marriage chatter. I'm a man of faith and there's only one excuse for giving up and until I find out that I will never give up. Will continue to endure in prayer and allow God to lead me, strengthen me and keep me strong. But I understand what you're saying which leads me to...

Update #3

I started not being available last week for her not to come home after work then leave me with our son again. Sooo Friday evening after work she didn't come home at all! And didn't come home im morning either. Called me about 11am asking all casual what we were doing? I kept the convo brief. Then of course after work Saturday evening she went out yet again leaving our son with her mom. This time I went out to eat and bowling with my brother, got home early(midnight) but left son at her mothers. I was tired and slept in bed this night. Much to my surprise when she gets home at the usual time of 6am. She asks me to get out the bed. I refused. She asked several more times. I refused. She stated its her bed she bought and its her room and that she doesn't want me in there without our son. I simply left. But first told her I didn't appreciate that and that I'm not walking around telling her not to use the couch, office computer, kitchen appliances, etc. Also mentioned to her again that I need help with bills, which she hasn't paid one dime towards since Feb 18. She stated that she cant cause now she pays her mom $40 a week to keep our son cause she's now working EVERY morning in addition to her evening shifts. I also told her of my displeasure with her ignoring and leaving our son. She told me I don't need to be worried about anything concerning her. I told her YES I do when it concerns our son. Then she said that she's moving out Monday or better yet later today! I said fine then went back to bed before church. Also texted her stated I'm simply concerned about her and most importantly our son.

After church I went to get son from her moms cause she work every Sunday morning too. They had an Easter egg hunt so I stayed for awhile. Later in evening she got there and was just acting normal. Then she left with son to go home while I stayed to talk with her dad for 3 hrs! He revealed that he hope she changes her mind before its too late, I agreed. Then he mentioned something shocking. That his wife, her mother, and him has had issues intimately last year because of the following: Last year my wife was working in the morning like she is now but we decided it wan't worth the money or time so she stopped but while she did work her mom kept our son. In addition to her other two grandkids. Her dad told me that she would be so tired that after he gets off and want to be intimate that she would say shes tired from keeping the kids and go to sleep. And that he almost cheated on her because of it! And that things got better when we decided she wouldn't work in day. Fast forward to now. He is concerned yet again because of same thing.

Then yesterday after work I went home, she mentioned we need to talk later. About two things. Later came and she stated that our son might need counseling because he has started back peeing after he was completely potty trained already. He even, I hate to say it, pooped outside at her moms twice in past week! Something he has never done. I told her this is all a direct result of whats going on with us and that he needs more attention! She boldly stated she needs money and will NOT stop working in the mornings. I said at the cost of our son being hurt by it? She again stated she needs money and will not stop.

Also she stated her plans to help with bills for a few months while attempting to save enough money to move out in June/July, get her own cell phone line next month, and get money for divorce lawyer after she moves out. Then politely asked if I would be fighting for custody of our son. I simply stated we will cross that bridge when we get there. She obviously took it as a yes. And also said she doesn't want me talking to her parents which I thought was amusing. And stated that's all she wanted to talk about.

As stated early I am open to all advice but definitely won't follow advice that conflicts with my faith. And abandoning a spouse in a tough time in not something I will do. Also won't force her to stay. So from here on my sole focus will be on God, Being there for my son, and continued self improvement.

I get along very well with ALL her family. They LOVE me. And the few I have talked to since have all stated that they feel bad and don't think she is right or making good decisions.

I will point out that almost none of her friends know why the break up as she's told them all that WE broke up and that it just didn't work out. Odd cause I had no say so and am completely against separating. But I believe that she can avoid judgmental opinions and chastising by her friends if they all believe it is mutual.

Her dad and mom love me though and are also completely against their daughters decision. I do agree that they are enabling her though. By keeping our son at the drop of a dime for her. Don't know if its my place to tell her mom not to do it though. Cause her 20 yr old sister who has 2 kids is the one who actually agrees to keep him on the weekends while she goes out although her mom ends up looking after him for obvious reasons.

Thanks for reading. Again I appreciate all the advice, it has been very helpful to fellowship with like-minded people. Am also still looking for more women to chime in.

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@ Chatter

I understand what you mean though about me enabling but I have no other choice. My faith doesn't teach me to abandon my spouse even if she abandons me, it doesn't teach me to react to her based on how she treats me, instead teaches me to respond to hate with love, to anger with temperance, to bitterness with forgiveness, to irresponsibility with responsibility, to ignorance with silence, to chaos with peace, to fear with bravery, to doubt with assurance, and to hopelessness with FAITH. Yes I know our situation seems hopeless but anything is possible with God.

I am not to take her behavior as personal. She has to answer for her own sins and me for mine. I can only control me and how I respond to her. So if she wants to separate and will not submit to me as her husband, I will continue to love her the Godly way even at the expense of my own happiness because when I replace my happiness with Gods will, I then receive JOY through my proven faith in God. And joy is not a feeling that changes with circumstances but happiness does. Yes I am unhappy with her plans to leave our marriage, yes I am unhappy with her selfishness and irresponsible behavior, yes I am unhappy with her choice to not love me anymore, yes I am unhappy with her depression, but I know that I receive joy from giving up my own happiness. And joy lasts forever.

So as mentioned earlier, I will continue my focus on God, and allow him to lead and order my steps in life. I know he will take care of me through these difficult times. And I will come out of this better than before.

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I did not say give up.

Reread what I wrote.

You will see it is the opposite.

Since you think every thing I write is pushing that, I will stop posting advice to you.

But I will give you this advice once again.

Do not let your son leave the house. And cut out the babysitting.

" You are free to leave. But I have decided that our son will stay in his home" Do not set up the environment where her parents raise your child. Man up and get you boy home. And he does not leave the house without your approval. The house is his safe environment. No where else.

And the next time she crawls home at 6AM. Do not leave the bed. Tell her it is unacceptable behavior. And she can go sleep where ever. Do not move.

A wise man from here once said

How I handle these tough times will teach my kids how to deal with adversity -- with persistence and character.

My family needs a leader right now, and it AIN'T gonna be my wife. Yes, shame on her for what she's doing, but SHAME ON ME if I let it affect me so much that I don't lead my family thru this. I can handle it. STRENGTH and HONOR.


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@Chatter, I don't think that about all you're writing buddy. Have agreed with most of what you've wrote actually. And no I will not be allowing her to take our son. And yes I an contemplating talking to her dad about this babysitting.

When you get to the point that you can no longer take this crap behavior from her towards you and your son.(I will never get to this point God willing)

Sit her down.

And very calmly explain to her that you no longer have faith in her as a wife and as a mother. Based on her not being consistent in her actions.(Faith is exactly the opposite, believing in something even when it looks BAD!)

Tell her your moving in this direction. You are done with carrying the full load of being a father, husband and attempting to heal the marriage. You are done with pressuring her to be a wife and a mother. You are done with being with someone who does not want to be with you.(Already had this convo.)

That your doing well because you are being honest with yourself. That you and your son will be fine. As your are done waiting and do not plan on waiting forever. She is free to go off and do what ever she wants. But she is no long allowed to do these actions under this roof.(Already told her she's free to do whatever, but I will wait forever God willing, or at least 6mth-1yr after finalized divorce, will not be giving my wife who Christ expects me to love as he loves the church, an ultimatum.)

And the next time she crawls home at 6AM. Do not leave the bed. Tell her it is unacceptable behavior. And she can go sleep where ever. Do not move.(Well if my son is in bed then I am not going to allow a fight to start, waking him up just because I want to stay in bed.)

My family needs a leader right now, and it AIN'T gonna be my wife. Yes, shame on her for what she's doing, but SHAME ON ME if I let it affect me so much that I don't lead my family thru this. I can handle it. STRENGTH and HONOR.(Good advice, but it is not affecting me that much now, I will lead my family through this through God who strengthens me and if he's not leading me somewhere then I will stay put.)

I didn't mean you were instructing me to give up either. Was simply stated that I won't. And will do whatever within God's guidance to keep my family together.

This was from another thread and it brought me to tears...

"The real pain will come when I have to look into S's eyes and see his sadness, hurt, and abandonment. Poor guy. He's tough, but very sensitive. I will be there for him as best I can. I can't take away that pain though. He will have to deal with that himself... Making me cry."

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