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Originally Posted By: chatterbug
Never leave the bed. I think you should work back towards that. If your wife does not want to sleep with you, she can pick a different spot. You need your strength and sleep to work on saving your marriage.



^^^ I agree with that. I also think that it is just generally bad to leave the marital bed for any reason.

The 37 rules posted by Rick... read them over and over. It is a good set of guidelines to follow as you learn to DB.

Buy and read Divorce Remedy. I'd suggest the chapter on the Last Resort Technique to start.

Sorry that I am cutting straight to my points here PC. Short on time. I am very sorry for what you are going through though. I have been doing this for 16 months now. I understand all too well the pain that you are feeling.

To answer your question as to whether or not any of us have dealt with a depressed spouse... well, in one degree or another, I believe that everyone here has. That's why they become WAS's.

I do see that your W has some very specific issues though. Unfortunately, I don't believe that you can help her right now. She is going to have to work through this herself. You are probably right, she is in rebellion. Anything that you do to try and help her is going to be perceived you trying to control her.

The best thing that you can do is lovingly detach yourself from her, and let her go down the path that she is on. Hopefully, she will come to a point where she realizes that she needs help. If you are still there, maybe she will look to you to help her. But this is going to have to come from her. You cannot force this, nor can you control her thoughts, her feelings, or her choices.

Something that I read here on this board that helped me understand what I wanted to do with my situation, how I wanted to deal with things, and how I wanted to love my W, was the story of the lighthouse. I am reposting it here for you. Maybe it will calm and center you as you embark on this journey.

"The Lighthouse

Your spouse is in huge conflict. The good news is; and the truth is, that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now. The competition that we believe exists with the Other Person is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world. It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.

Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now. Though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong, they do not like what they are doing.

Their actions toward you, the children, the Other Person, and themselves, as well as God, keep them from engaging in any type of real interaction with any real depth and truth.

All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life. Yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lies down, regardless of whom is next to them.

They are the living cliche of 'no matter where you go, there you are.'

They are lost to themselves.

And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home, even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing the beacon.

You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.

Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.

You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them toward it. Let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.

You cannot trust them right now, but you know that, so they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better.

You show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. You fill the children's lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.

Do not discuss or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.

Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is ok. No one can stay very long in that chaos. Remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos, and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.

Be the lighthouse."

Hmmm... glad that I actually reread that myself. Good luck PC. Be patient and strong.

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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Yes she is. I forgot what stage of depression hers is called but it includes being bipolar among other things. The 3 times total that she has broken up with me have all been similar. Day before, "love you, have a good day at work!" Next day, "this isn't working, I'm not happy, I don't want to be with you anymore, im moving out, what are we going to do about our son." First two times, never moved out, was separated for a week, and a few weeks respectively. First time she got back with me on her own. Second time she listened to her spiritual godmother about working things out. This time, still hasn't moved out, and have been separated for a month and 9 days. And isn't listening to anyone. I simply don't know how to deal with a depressed spouse concerning busting a divorce. With her volatile emotions I guess that it'll just take more time so I will continue to be patient.

Again any ladies feel free to chime in!???

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OK. I almost missed this part. Why shouldn't I leave the bed??? Its hers. Lol. She bought it. And wouldn't that create conflict? Please someone quickly explain this to me in depth. Including potential consequences such as her pushing more towards leaving by not getting her way.
Thanks a lot Denver!

Also. I meant has anyone dealt with a diagnosed depressed spouse, with prescribed pills, etc..?

@chatterbug, thought I mentioned why I was subconsciously angry. I kept things to myself that bothered me about her. Then would 'get back' at her later through lack of affection and denial of intimacy(sex). While doing these things I did not realize I was angry or being bitter.

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Originally Posted By: PrinceChristian
OK. I almost missed this part. Why shouldn't I leave the bed??? Its hers. Lol. She bought it. And wouldn't that create conflict? Please someone quickly explain this to me in depth. Including potential consequences such as her pushing more towards leaving by not getting her way.
Thanks a lot Denver!


In a M, items such as beds are jointly owned regardless of who actually purchased them. Who does your house belong to? You kitchen table? I don't know, I'd strongly consider staying in your bed, in your bedroom, and ultimately, your house if there ends up being a physical S.

You have to stand your ground on some things PC. This does not mean that you have to become upset or raise your voice. You just explain to her calmly what you are going to do. She may become upset, but that is her choice and there is nothing that you can do to control that.

She has to see that there are consequences for the choices that she is making.

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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You do not leave the bed because it is the marriage bed. Are you leaving the marriage ? No. So go back into it. Plus it is a place where you can get a good night sleep. Or a good night staring at the ceiling.

You are not creating conflict here. You are making a choice. Declaring an action and acting on it. If she decides to fight you on it. Then she is making a choice for conflict. You say what your going to do and act. Or you act. But you are going to reclaim some pride in yourself.

Now another problem your having is that you are avoiding anything with her and being all mickey mouse like. Your bending over backwards and showing you have no spine.

Bad behavior is bad behavior. You need to call your wife out on it. If she is not pulling her weight do not cover for her. It is unreasonable for one person to pull all the weight. So communicate that. She is an adult. She lives in the house as well. She needs to do her part.

You need to be a man here and explain this. Go read hold onto your nuts or any other self help books for men. No more Mr. Nice Guy etc...

She is showing you that she has no respect for you. And you are showing her you have no respect for yourself.

Do not argue over it. Explain it. And then only act. As she will test you.

With ladybug I called her out on it. And she said she would help out. She did not. So informed her to sleep in another room and use the adjourning bathroom. I did not clean it. I did not clean up after her. I cleaned the areas I used. And just verified that her areas did not have anything that would attract bugs etc...

See your being a nice guy who uses passive aggressive behaviors. One of your main growths should be how to overcome this and never do it again. It poisons all relationships.

Do not reward bad behavior. Stop being her friend. Being a lighthouse means being a husband not a wimpy man.


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unconditional love is awesome!
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Now the next part.

This is something you really need to figure out.

Your wife is bi-polar and has depression issues. You really need to determine if you can deal with this for the rest of your life. If you feel that this is a safe environment for your child.

For if it is not then you need to take the steps to protect your child. You are the adult here.

You need to learn everything about her mental issues. Every word every name, Find support sites that talk about it.

If you have doctors who are treating her then you need to contact them and let them know what is going on.

If she was on medication and is off it. You need to ask her to go back on it.

For if you want this to work out. You need to learn this and own it. For it will be a life long struggle. And it will break you if you stay the same person you are. If you think staying in this unhealthy relationship because of your son is good for him. It is not. He will grow up and learn the lessons you have taught him.



One other thing. Why do you tolerate her going out dancing to 6 am? This is another place where you need to set a boundary. Do not cover for her here. Do not tip toe around the house cause she was out drinking. Do not make her tea or food. Do not do anything for her. Do not reward bad behavior. Start GALING and get a life on the weekends. Leave the house. She will have to choose between taking care of her son or out drinking all night. You need to let her know that this is unacceptable behavior. Do not leave the light on over night. Turn it off. Let her know with words and actions that you will no longer tolerate this behavior.

If she messes up and does not take care of your son. Call her out on it.

I do hope you are writing all this down. If not. Start. And go back as well.

Cause you may end up needing the written proof. And guard this as close as possible.

And Lock down your finances. Do not let her piss away the money. If she is not paying half towards the bills. Then she needs to start.

Do not support her harmful habits.

IMHO I think you are better off going for full custody of your son and moving on. As she is really messed up.

But I will help you either way. As I understand bi-polar and being Mr. Nice guy.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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Chatterbug is making some good points. However, I cannot agree with advice telling someone that they are or are not better off moving on.

PC obviously loves his W and wants to figure out how to help her though this and save his marriage. That is why he is here.

I'm sure that when PC said his wedding vows, that 'in good times and in bad' were included.

We don't give up on our spouses just because they go through a rough time or because they have issues. We ALL have issues. Would we give up on our children, or our parents, if they had mental health issues. This is no different. In fact, even more important when talking about our spouses. They SHOULD be the most important person in our lives.

This is what unconditional love is all about. And THIS is something that we learn by going through hard times.

PC - You do need to stand up to your W on some things. But you can do this in a loving way. Don't play tit for tat by staking out part of the house that you will keep clean, or by making similar choices that your W is making.

Your W is in pain right now PC. I realize that the words that you hear her speak do not reflect that right now. But remember, we believe zero of what we hear, and only 50% of what we see, in these times.

Being the lighthouse means that you are a rock. That you remain calm and dependable in the face of tremendous adversity. Being the lighthouse means that you remain a safe haven for you W.

You need to decide if you want to exercise the patience necessary to become that lighthouse PC. What are you willing to do and go through for you W? Are you willing to walk through the gates of hell for you W... while not knowing if you can save her or your M?

"There once was a man who was sentenced to 25
years of backbreaking labor. His wrists were tied
to the handle of a huge wheel that was inlaid in
the wall. His job was to turn the wheel 10 hours
 a day.

For years, day in and day out, the prisoner would
 wonder what he was doing with this wheel. What
was the meaning of his work? What was on the
other side of this wall? Was he grinding grain?
 Pulling up water? Moving some sort of conveyor
belt?

For 25 years he contemplated the meaning of his
work, and for 25 years he spun that wheel. It was
 grueling, but he survived.

When his sentence was complete he was released
 from prison. The first thing he did was run to
the other side of the wall to see what he had
been doing all this time.

What did he see?

Nothing!

There was nothing attached to the wheel. For 25
years, 10 hours a day, he was spinning a wheel
for absolutely no purpose.

When the man realized
his true sentence, he collapsed and died.

The prisoner was able to survive 25 years of 
backbreaking labor, but when he realized that it 
was all for nothing, he couldn't survive for 
another moment.

So what's the difference between pain and
 suffering?

Pain has a purpose.

Suffering is true torture because it has no 
meaning.

Pain is bearable. Suffering for no reason is
 devastating."

Denver 


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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Denver , Mrs. PC is not in pain right now. Mrs. PC sounds like she has a full on Hypomania. This is dangerous. For all involved. This makes affairs and walk-aways look a walk in the park. Professional help is needed.

Hypomania have a tendancy to drain bank accounts, do dangerous actions that can affect their familys. Lose their jobs and even go to jail over their actions. There can be hypersexuality. There is no checks and balances in risk taking.

There is no purpose to suffering this pain. It creates bitterness.

Until she gets the proper medical and mental attention she will boomerang back and forth between depression and mania until those who love her snap and cannot take it any longer or she just leaves.

As you can see he has been the rock for his wife throughout their marriage. But it keeps leading him down a cheese-less tunnel. Something needs to change.

I do not know your back story sorry about that. As you do not know mine.

But I will state that I did not tit for tat. Adults look after their property. Since she was not capable of that basic function. I called her out on it. I set a boundary with consequences. Her actions were to test me. So I removed her and all her stuff to the guest bedroom. She had the choice to respect the property and the chores. Her choice was to not help out.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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It sounds to me like your wife seriously needs to see a counselor/therapist, and stick with it. My ex was abused when young, had depression and bi-polar issues. When on meds, things were usually good, but unfortunately would think "hey, I'm doing fine" and get off them. Thats when things always went to [censored].

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Are you a psychologist or psychiatrist?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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