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#2234301 - 03/30/12 01:42 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
pulpwood Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/12
Posts: 182
You sound good T^2. Optimism is a powerful drug. Stay positive but have no expectations. Move slooowly. Mirror her. You know all this. Sandi2 has great information. You are doing fine IMHO. I strive to soak up and apply the knowledge you have gained throughout your sitch.
_________________________
Me-33
W-28
S-5
M-7
ILYBNILWY-1/15/12 7 year itch?

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#2234307 - 03/30/12 02:29 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 839
Loc: West Coast
Hey T!!!!

Wow, your sitch sounds like it is moving forward in a very positive direction!

First of all I am so THRILLED to see how you two are communicating with eachother! This is key! About the "controlled distance".... this is good she openly admitted this to you. Personally, I would take this as a translation of " Ok. I feel safe enough to open up, perhaps put my toe in to test the waters, but I am in no way ready to jump in with both feet. I do not wish to alienate you or push you away, but I do need my personal space. Please respect that".

Though my stbx is the WAS, I have really felt somewhat pursued by him over the last 2 months. Not pursuit as in total reconcilliation, but I feel he wants to reconnect as parents that are very involved with the kids and therefore are rather involved with eachother about the kids. This has made me have mixed emotions about it all. All I know is that I need some space and time to get used to the idea and even figure out if that's what I really want. It's not that Im NOT open to this, but it needs to be SLOW. Therefore I can identify with what your W may be feeling, even if she is the MLCer. It's just a space thing!

If your W is organizing and decorating I would think this is an act of kindness...yes perhaps a Love Language. I know whenever I would do that sort of things for my stbx, I was trying to do something for him I thought he'd appreciate.

Very good observation T^2! Guess we must be the same sign....LOl! I let in the intiamacy very slowly and when someone is in, I am dedicated and very loyal. And yes when it gets that far, Im content with the idea of forever. I appreciate and like stability.

I appreciate you letting me know that to you I appear intelligent, articulate, insightful, responsible and on most days have my stuff together! LOL. I appreciate hearing that those qualities can actually be considered threatning or as competition to some men. My stbx told me that he always felt stupid trying to talk to me because he could never find the right words. At first I thought he was telling me I was verbally bashing him over the head with the way he articulated things. But I think what he was trying to tell me is that he struggles with articulation and expressing himself ( this is a very hard for him)and that during a conversation if I offer a way to re-phrase things (when actively listening so I understand him) maybe because I can do it so quickly, well that would make him feel inferior!

Never in 100 million years would I EVER want to make him feel inferior or anyone else. You know I've made a new friend online, and this is why his ex wife eventually wanted a divorce. This man is very articulate, intelligent, repsonsible, and has his act together. When he decided to go for his MBA, she started shutting him out and shutting down. I guess some time after the divorce they actually did talk about the issues, and that was her main reason. She was insecure and felt inferior and that he would dump her befause he was persuing goals and moving forward to educate himself. He said he was very devoted to her...and believe me he was.

Why can't people just be honest with eachother? I think there would be alot more understanding, compassion, and true intimacy if people would say "hey, when you do this, it scares me and makes me feel insecure. Im insecure that you will look down upon me and not find me worthy anymore".

I don't know, the more I look back at my marriage falling apart, I see how he and I were just so misunderstood by eachother.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2234326 - 03/30/12 03:52 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: pulpwood]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2319
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Thanks PW!

I still have my hard times and moments, but once I get my mind and ego out of the picture and listen to my internal self, and observe EVERYthing I see and feel, then the optimism is there...and taking it sloooowwwwyyy is easier.

Yeah, Sandi2 opened my eyes...so grateful for her.

You are sounding good as well...any new updates?
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2234333 - 03/30/12 05:08 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: Kimmerz]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2319
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Hey Kimmers,

Thanks for your input, I value it! This is the delicate "toe-dipping" time...I have to make sure I don't scare her back into the tunnel, or away and done by slipping into old habits...tricky trying to mirror my way out of "dim" mode. I am glad to know I seem to be doing okay with myself at this stage, and expectations are zero, though optimistic in the hope area.

Quote:
My stbx told me that he always felt stupid trying to talk to me because he could never find the right words. At first I thought he was telling me I was verbally bashing him over the head with the way he articulated things. But I think what he was trying to tell me is that he struggles with articulation and expressing himself ( this is a very hard for him)and that during a conversation if I offer a way to re-phrase things (when actively listening so I understand him) maybe because I can do it so quickly, well that would make him feel inferior!


This sounds a lot like what W has said...man have I learned the art of STFU...(Its actually rather nice once I got used to it...)... smile

So much I have learned and grown. I like me so much better these days...:)
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2234524 - 03/31/12 05:44 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2319
Loc: Rocky Mountains
W just called me, and, apologized for putting me through "this"...I started trying to pry more of what that meant, but caught myself and STFU...I called back though and asked, if it was a good thing, or, bad thing (my imagination could build it either way)...she said good...

I don't know what to do...break down crying praising God, or "believe none of what they say"...I really, really pray this isn't another MLC mind-job, because, I don't want to be done...if it is.
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2234525 - 03/31/12 05:50 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1078
Loc: Hawaii
I don't have all the big words for you. But maybe pretend like she is a wild feral cat you want to be friends with. Leave food out for her, make her feel welcome and NEVER make a sudden moves towards her..........
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2234530 - 03/31/12 06:12 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: WenikiTiki]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2319
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Thanks Wendy... smile

I appreciate your experienced wisdom (and man, what you have gone through...there ain't a medal for it, though there should be, imho).

I never thought I would ever have to have doubts about anything W said...now I know differently...and I HATE that I have doubts and don't trust without reservation....never thought I would be in this place...this eff'in place....

But that is what "AS IF" is for, no?

Tomorrow, and time, will tell all, eventually.
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2234531 - 03/31/12 06:34 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: WenikiTiki]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2319
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Quote:
a wild feral cat you want to be friends with. Leave food out for her, make her feel welcome and NEVER make a sudden moves towards her....


Funny metaphor Wendy...W brought home a rescued cat from the river, poor thing wouldn't have anything to do with anyone, hid under the bed...now, she (the cat) rules the house in her mind, and lays on my heart chakra when I meditate...your method above worked... smile
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2234583 - 03/31/12 04:24 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 839
Loc: West Coast
Hey T!

Oh I hear you in how our minds can make these things a good or bad! Im constantly in that type of mode. Is this good or bad?

I think this is a good thing, based on her actions lately.

Remember the "toe dipping". Maybe instead of having one big toe in the water, she has both big toes in the water. Apologizing for the most part ( unless they are empty apologies, which I really don't feel your W is doing here) is a person admitting they've done something that could've been negative to someone in some way. That means they are acknowledging to a certain extent the role they played.

For an MLCer, this is HUGE!

And coming from a woman who's had ALOT of experience with feral cats....they do come around! Then they're yours for life!

There was a feral cat colony when we lived with MIL years ago....LOl
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2235184 - 04/03/12 07:53 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: Kimmerz]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2319
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Journaling...

Well, this month marks the 1 year anniversary of the depression that marked the beginning of W's dive back into the MLC tunnel.

What I would give to have figured out it was MLC then and how to proceed via DBing, instead of after BD...lol...Let's see, maybe could have shaved off some of the 6 months in between? Avoided BD all together? Heh, woulda, coulda, shoulda...But then again, maybe I would not have been fully 2X4'd into realizing that I needed changing as well, that I had a journey to take...

As painful as it has been for W, I and the kids, I am grateful for it. Changes needed to happen, and we will be better for it, no matter how things turn out. I do now know I will never take things for granted again, and that every minute, every little thing, IS important, and valuable...they may not last, and should be fully appreciated at the time they happen.

I have grown into a much better husband, father, person...and I know now that it is a lifelong process of improvement, and this pleases me...sometimes, on my better days, I can't wait to discover my latest growth...the kids...W's...

W seems to be getting some clarity, resolution...and finding her voice and herself...this pleases me, it is what I have always wanted for her these past 20+ years. I grew up with a grandparent who was just basically unhappy with her life...I never wanted W to end up that way...that is why I can forgive...forgive the pain, forgive the affairs, the lies, the depression...forgive because I want her when she is 80 years old to look back on her time with me as a good life, to feel fulfilled. Forgive because I choose to, I want to, for me as well as her.

This has always been my goal, my intention, no matter if I/we got off track or whatever...

More later...
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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