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#2229178 - 03/09/12 05:30 PM Hoping 4
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2806
Loc: VA
I hit 100 on my third thread so I'm starting #4. I've been here seven months, lurking for nine. I've been married 18 years, have two teenage boys, and my H seems to be patiently waiting for a year to pass so he can file for D. He doesn't love me and is not attracted to me, he said, and it won't change. In nine months it hasn't. He's shown no interest in participating in MC other than showing up occasionally. He seems exceptionally resistant to showing any feelings other than anger.

We've made so many changes in how we talk to each other, and I've tried to do so many things differently that had annoyed him, so I see a lot less anger. Just pleasant or absent. He has spoken of our impending D and about friends' D's in a manner you'd talk about getting a bank account. He seems mystified when he hears about an un-amicable D - why don't they get along? Why would they fight over custody? Those were some of his comments when I made arrangements to see a friend this weekend in Philly, who has a difficult relationship with her ex over their 4yo son. I think H sees this as simply a financial transaction, and the less he has to witness or deal with emotions the happier he is about it.

I've been stumbling on my GALs. Trying to get exercise but finding myself too busy. Trying to look my best but holding off on washing my hair since I'm sure I'll make it to the gym, and then I don't. Trying to get caught up at work so I'm not bringing my stress home, but then visiting DB - yeah like now. But on the other side of the coin, I'm reasonably happy, taking A/D to help me stay optimistic and calm, enjoying good times and conversations with my S14 and my S11. Did 3 months of Bikram yoga. Went on a cruise, a ski trip, a girls' weekend locally, and now a girls' weekend in Phila. I stopped contacting H for anything other than necessary logistical issues, for the most part, whether I'm in town or away. H has gone on three long trips out of the country and is about to go for a fourth time, and I've made enjoyable use of the time without him. All in all, I think my gal is OK.

I grasped onto the thought, as soon as I found it here, that in a few years I will be happy in my life, with or without H. I'll be a stronger, more capable person, more affectionate and a better communicator. I'll have fun hobbies, look good, enjoy a great relationship with my kids. Perhaps I'll have a great relationship with my H or someone new by then. I focus on that distant point and how to get there.

The situation with my H seems to be making no headway. Partly that's because he's still sleeping in our bed and we're doing everything as a family as usual. I'm still cooking and shopping for him, and he's still doing my laundry. We talk about who's taking which kid to which function and who's going to make a grocery run. There's no touching at all - it's been since mid-February when H got a V, after his recovery period the bomb hit so I've been going without for a very long time. I don't know if he has.

I've gotten lots of valuable help from books including Family Communication, DB, and 5LL. Just got Hold me Tight, seven conversations for a lifetime of love by Dr. Sue johnson and hope to read that this weekend.

S14 and I went out to buy him some shorts at Plato's Closet (it's a surprising new development that he is willing to try a second hand piece of clothing, but he's paid for stuff at the mall and can't believe what his friends are spending) and then we had to go fix my iphone. I was relying on his help and advice, which I think made him feel grownup. We went together and found that it would be best for me to go ahead and get an iphone 4S. Turns out I couldn't add it to our plan without calling H to ask him to make me an authorized person on the account. While I'm trying to reach H, the sales guy is rambling about how sorry he is for the inconvenience, it's just some people are estranged and you wouldn't believe it but etc etc. Come to find out H is not willing to add me as an authorized user, he's going to drive 20 minutes to meet us at the store and take care of it. Sales guy's eyebrows went up but I acted like it was absolutely the most normal thing in the world. (I happen to know H has issues about comingling our phones and extending the contract because he wants a clean break when we split. However, he decided this new phone was ok because he could just turn the whole account over to me when we split and he'll start a new one.) This interaction was a little embarrassing to me and a little poke in the eye about my sitch, but a relatively minor thing. iPhone 4S is way cool!

So, I'm wrapping up some necessary work and hitting the road for Phila soon, to hear all the stories about how rotten my friend's ex is and how poorly they get along. And hopefully talk about other stuff too. We'll get manicures and cook and go to the orchid show. I'm psyched.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Here are links to my old threads:
Hoping Friends Can Return to Lovers
Hoping 2
Hoping 3
_________________________
Adinva 48 H49
T25 M21 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Happiness is a warm puppy.

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#2229186 - 03/09/12 05:48 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2806
Loc: VA
Oh yeah, I left out the elephant in the room. H and I have never discussed this but it retrospect we had a classic SSM and I believe that's at the root of the problem, not the things he cited (doesn't like how the kids are turning out, I don't listen to him, I do too much volunteer work). I think he became LD, my resentment grew, then I became LD, his resentment grew, and now he feels his attraction to me is permanently switched off. Before he divorces me we will talk about that. It's a very hard topic for me to bring up, and even harder for him. I can put my pride down and being extremely vulnerable, and for him, well, it's my belief that he'd rather get a D and start over than even have a conversation about why we had trouble ML.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H49
T25 M21 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Happiness is a warm puppy.

Top
#2229187 - 03/09/12 05:54 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9288
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Beautiful written posts, Ad. As you know I think we are in very similar boats.

Your last line especially, hits home.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2229203 - 03/09/12 06:19 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: labug]
mimivac Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Washington DC
(((Ad))). I am also in the same boat, and we are just now beginning to talk about our SSM in therapy. I also think it's at the heart of our issues, and my H would also say that his attraction for me is "switched off." Since you hesitate to talk about it, maybe getting the conversation started would be a 180 that might jolt your H out of apathy? It's SUCH a sensitive topic, especially for men. Glad you are GALing and doing so well.

Mimi
_________________________
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12

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#2229212 - 03/09/12 06:51 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: mimivac]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2090
Thanks Adinva, I am so frustrated for you in this sitch -- it's maddening. Honestly I have wished I could "switch off" attraction for W because being the HD partner is so difficult. Asking for physical affection requires major vulnerability and being rejected when you're there is so painful. I guess I'm glad I haven't gone there as it doesn't seem to turn out well.

Keep journaling, we're here for you -- wish I could do more to help.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014
Divorced 8/2014

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#2229214 - 03/09/12 06:59 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: Accuray]
LuckyLuke Offline
Member

Registered: 02/10/04
Posts: 1201
Loc: Sweden, mostly
Hi Adinva,

SSM? It is not in the abbrevation list here.

Sounds like you are doing the right things. You'd be surprised how long - and this could be good or bad - a situation like yours can continue. I wonder if your H really will so 'factually' go through with a D. I think the reality and all that D entails are a cold shower for all involved.

Keep posting - a good weekend to you - LL
_________________________
M56, W51
S20, D15
M 1984
Minimal physical contact since 2004
Numerous BD, and W can't stand me.
D expected later this year.

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#2229224 - 03/09/12 07:41 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: LuckyLuke]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2806
Loc: VA
Thanks Lucky, nice to see you in my thread!

I appreciate what you're saying. As someone used to suppressing my needs since childhood (something I only just learned about myself), I really could go on till death do us part in this scenario. That's sad though.

I'm learning to realize what my feelings are and then make a choice. I can still choose what I have, and I do choose that right now, but I'm not trapped in it. I may decide it's not enough, what he's bringing to the table.

I recently opened a difficult convo with H, regarding what he really intended about MC. I held my cool, I didn't argue, and I accepted what he was saying as his point of view. It felt good. What he said didn't feel good, but it was nice that one of us could pull our head out of the sand and do a reality check. No one spontaneously combusted. It gives me hope that the SSM talk is coming in the next three months (ie, before his "required year of separation" is up).

Luke, SSM is sex-starved marriage. It refers to any marriage in which one partner desires to ML more than the other partner.

I used to be sad when I finished a whole pack of a month's birth control pills and realized we hadn't ML during that month. Later on it was more me that didn't feel like it, but I'm sure H could have felt rejected, demasculated (is that a word?), and resentful. He was way too polite or reticent, or macho, to bring it up, and may too afraid that my answer why I didn't seem to want to ML might reflect back on him.

At the very end I was desperate to try something, anything, to reconnect, so I was starting to show him things I needed to feel in the mood. A certain type of kiss (I was really nice about it but I was trying to tell him to stop engulfing my entire face, which he had evolved into recently), music on so my pubescent sons wouldn't hear us and make me feel inhibited. That these little things put the final bricks in the wall will give you an indication of how low his tolerance was for any kind of "feedback." Trust me, I was soooooo diplomatic.

That's a long answer to a short question.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H49
T25 M21 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Happiness is a warm puppy.

Top
#2229245 - 03/09/12 08:57 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
mncwng Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/12
Posts: 34
this post resonated with me so much, Ad. i dont have any kids, and my H and i haven't been married for as long as you two have, but just wanted to chime in and say that you're in my thoughts. i've been db'ing to the best of my ability (which still leaves a lot to be desired) and still don't seem to be making headway in terms of changing h's mind about D. trying so hard to see the forest from the trees and reminding myself that no matter what happens, a year or two from now, i'll be happy in my life.

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#2229526 - 03/11/12 04:46 AM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: mncwng]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2090
Grrrr Adinva. Although our sitches are quite different, I can sympathize with your feelings (I think). It's so frustrating.

How do you plan to have the SSM discussion and why? What are you looking for from it? What kind of closure will it give you? Can it really have a satisfying conclusion?

I'm in no way saying "don't do it", I'm interested in why it's so important to you to have that talk in particular.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014
Divorced 8/2014

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#2229623 - 03/11/12 06:35 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: Accuray]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1868
Advina - you wrote so much of what I am feeling. I feel like you I have changed so much about how I respond and how I behave. All my H complaints I have changed. But the truth is all his complaints about my behavior is not what this is about. Its about the sex and my H has barely acknowledged that. I want to hear him say it out loud.

I just want it all to be on the table before its over.
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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