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#2231134 - 03/16/12 01:29 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: Cadet]
justkelly Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 30
My work friend's marriage was in trouble years ago. She knows how it feels to be a LBS. She's been a great support for me.

I am currently reading "This Is Not The Story You Think It Is" by Laura Munson, which is a first-hand account of dealing with her husband's MLC, and I see "the script" that J is following in her husband's behavior.

I also have "His Midlife Crisis" and "Male Midlife Crisis" by the Conways to read. They're a little more heavy into the Christian focus than I am, but the books are very highly recommended for looks into the male MLC perspective and the perspective of the MLC spouse.

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#2231171 - 03/16/12 03:08 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: justkelly]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5325
Originally Posted By: justkelly
I also have "His Midlife Crisis" and "Male Midlife Crisis" by the Conways to read. They're a little more heavy into the Christian focus than I am, but the books are very highly recommended for looks into the male MLC perspective and the perspective of the MLC spouse.
Conway's books are excellent, and I understand about the religous perspective, as that is also the way I feel, however if everytime you see that perspective if you substitute the word "science" it will make a lot of sense.
There is a tremendous amount of science in all of this and it is difficult to SEE because it is the OPPOSITE of most things that are scientific that we learn about.

Laura Munson's husband's MLC was mild IMHO but it is not a bad book.

The overlay of the scripts are mostly all the same but each person also has their own particulars that are involved.

Keep learning and this at some point may make more sense.
_________________________
Me-60, D28,S27

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#2231202 - 03/16/12 04:29 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: Cadet]
justkelly Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 30
I am trying to learn everything I can. I want to approach his MLC with empathy and understanding, not just anger and intense emotional pain.

We talked briefly last night. I told him that I was sorry that he feels the way he does - that life is no longer exciting, that work is a chore, that life at home is awful. I told him that if I could, I would take all of that on myself instead of him. But this is his work to do, and his crisis.

In retrospect, I think he's been in crisis since early last year when his health really started to be a problem.

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#2231747 - 03/19/12 02:52 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: justkelly]
justkelly Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 30
Well, this weekend has been good. J stayed gone all Friday and stayed over with his friends in a nearby town. He was going to stay all Saturday as well at their St. Patrick's Day party. I had made plans to spend the day with my friend and "adopted Mommy."

We had a WONDERFUL day on Saturday. We went to a luncheon tea, then went to a local jewelry design museum (we're both jewelry makers), then we went to the mall to walk around and shop, out to dinner together and a little more shopping before I took her back to her car.

When I got home, J was home on the couch, nursing a very upset stomach. He said he'd been home most of the day, having left his friends on Saturday at lunchtime. I was cheerful, showing him the gift I'd bought at the museum for my MIL (which was a gift I WANTED to buy for her, not an attempt to score points - I love my MIL very much), put away the groceries I'd picked up on my way home and offered to get J some more chicken broth to sip to make his stomach feel better. We played our online game for a while and had some snacks. I asked him nothing about his party and just enjoyed the peace and my own sense of happiness from my great day out.

Yesterday we had a good day together, and at one point, J even apologized to me for being irritable with me. I went to the grocery store to pick up supplies for a dish I am going to make tonight and bought him lunches for the week at his request. Even him being willing to ask me to do something for him is an improvement over where we were.

While I was at the museum I volunteered to help teach classes on jewelry making, and the volunteer coordinator contacted me today to discuss it. I am excited!

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#2231754 - 03/19/12 03:27 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: justkelly]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
I am happy to hear that you had a great weekend. It seems like things are going well for you! Keep up the good work!
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

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#2231794 - 03/19/12 06:03 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: hopingandpraying]
justkelly Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 30
I am going to try! I certainly like being happy as opposed to being unhappy. I am so proud of myself for all the walking I did on Saturday, and encouraged to do even more!

I met with my therapist today, and she is thrilled with how this weekend went for me and all the things I was able to do for myself, just because I wanted to do them.

I am sure there will be more "down" days on this rollercoaster to come, but I am hopeful that I can retain the memory of this weekend (and more weekends like it with my friend) to help me through the worst of it.

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#2232387 - 03/21/12 04:47 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: justkelly]
justkelly Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 30
Some new developments.

My kitty Dobby is very ill. We had to take him to the vet last night on an emergency visit. J took Dobby to the vet for me. When he got back, we sat together on the couch. He held my hand to comfort me over Dobby and we talked. He told me that he's going to see our doctor about going back on antidepressants.

Our conversations have been at his invitation (he asked me to keep him updated about Dobby) and they have been polite and friendly.

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#2233053 - 03/24/12 06:04 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: justkelly]
justkelly Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 30
My kitty Dobby passed away in the night just after midnight on Friday. He had been showing improvement, but something went wrong. They don't really know what. J got the call from the vet and broke the news to me. He spent that night in our bed, and it was almost like we were back to our old normal.

Yesterday we both stayed home from work, and J made the cremation arrangements at the vet and paid the bill. To say that I am heartbroken is an understatement.

Last night J stayed on the couch again. I went into our bedroom and cried. I am so angry that I've lost both my beloved kitty, who was only 8, and my husband, because the doors started shutting behind his eyes again. I woke up this morning to find a note in the bathroom telling me that he needed to take the day alone and that he would be back some time this evening.

It's very hard to not feel hopeless right now. I don't know if I have it in me to keep fighting for a good outcome.

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#2233256 - 03/26/12 02:31 AM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: justkelly]
luvless Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/06
Posts: 1583
Loc: Los Angeles
Originally Posted By: justkelly
He came home last night at 9:30. He leaves work at 4 pm. When he got home, I was friendly and upbeat. I did not ask him questions about where he'd been or what he'd done or anything. We made some pleasant conversation and watched television together for about an hour or so. Once I noticed that he was showing signs of being sleepy, I turned off the television and got ready for bed.

This morning, we had to take our cat Henry to the vet, and he got Henry into the cat carrier so I wouldn't have to do it when I got up to get ready for work. I've been debating whether or not to send him a thank you for that, but I think I'll thank him in person when I see him and just keep the other contacts to a minimum.

I really miss my husband and my marriage today. It's making me very sad, though I will do my best to be cheerful, upbeat and calm when I see J tonight for dinner.


sorry Kelly but it's likely he will not change
_________________________
M44 H41
M20 T23
3 older teens
Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy"
EA Nov 09 w/coworker
Another PA in Mar 10
I Filed Apr 10
D final Dec 10

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#2233425 - 03/26/12 07:24 PM Re: Thirteen Days In and Hurting [Re: luvless]
justkelly Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 30
I went over my weekend with my IC today. She is as shocked as I am that J has chosen on his own to start back on antidepressants. This is not something we'd even really discussed. He was unwilling to concede that he was depressed at all just two weeks ago.

She says that it's a very good sign, and that J's instinctive impulse to comfort me over Dobby's death and get comfort from me is also a major turning point.

Today, I am just focusing on marshalling what reserves I have (I haven't been sleeping well), getting through work and going to my first belly dance class tonight.

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