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Joined: Feb 2012
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He came home last night at 9:30. He leaves work at 4 pm. When he got home, I was friendly and upbeat. I did not ask him questions about where he'd been or what he'd done or anything. We made some pleasant conversation and watched television together for about an hour or so. Once I noticed that he was showing signs of being sleepy, I turned off the television and got ready for bed.

This morning, we had to take our cat Henry to the vet, and he got Henry into the cat carrier so I wouldn't have to do it when I got up to get ready for work. I've been debating whether or not to send him a thank you for that, but I think I'll thank him in person when I see him and just keep the other contacts to a minimum.

I really miss my husband and my marriage today. It's making me very sad, though I will do my best to be cheerful, upbeat and calm when I see J tonight for dinner.

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J initiated a relationship talk with me today. He wanted to know if I'd spoken with my IC about his coming to another session to "help" me - as in help ease me out of our marriage so he can get what he wants and so "I wouldn't be suffering."

I stayed calm and we talked for a while, but I challenged him on his idea that he would never feel love for me again. At one point he agreed to work with me on the relationship to try to repair it, but then said he couldn't because it would give me false hope. Then he broke down into tears saying that he didn't want to hurt me any more, and he just couldn't feel love. But he still wants to see me as a friend and for me to meet up with him in our online game.

He's showing signs of depression to me - he says he wants to be alone, nothing is fun anymore, that he just doesn't feel like he should, but he became angry when the conversation went in that direction, so I stopped.

I had been trying to avoid any more relationship talks for a while so I could keep working on my plan of giving him space and time and working on myself, but I guess that just wasn't in the cards today.

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I met with my IC yesterday to talk about J's request to "help" me. She told me "I am here to help you work on you, not be his tool to do what you don't want. He'll have to do his own dirty work."

She also said that she felt from his actions toward me that there is still a deep well of care and concern for me, and that his MLC is obscuring that.

It helps me to keep top of mind that this is more about how J is feeling than it is about me. But J is pushing me to give him permission to divorce me. It's permission I cannot and will not give him, and may never be able to give him.

I am out all night on Wednesday for a work project, then a friend of mine and I are going to dinner and a movie the next night. On Saturday, J is going to a work friend's St. Patrick's Day party (where he tells me he may stay overnight if he drinks too much). I worry that if he is cheating on me with anyone then that person will be at the party too, but since I can't do anything about it right now, I am not going to spend a lot of time worrying about it. If he does something like that, it's all on his own head.

I've made plans to be out on Saturday with another friend. I am taking her to a local tea room for a luncheon tea and then we might do some shopping.

Slowly, slowly GALing and trying to keep a loving distance from J's lashing out. Patience, Courage and Strength are my new mantra.

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I am so angry with J right now. He called me at work to discuss getting me a new shoe rack for my room, since mine is falling apart. Which was a nice gesture on his part, but his REAL reason for calling was to tell me that he's decided that he won't be home from work on Friday night, he's going to go over to his friends' house having the party and play poker, have dinner and spend the night there, on top of spending Saturday night there too.

I told him he was being hurtful as calmly as I could and stood up for myself. I also told him that he never would have considered doing something like this before and he said "This isn't before. That's what I've been trying to tell you."

I hope when he comes out of this, that he has to look himself in the mirror when he remembers doing crap like this. I am choosing to believe that he WILL eventually come out of this and realize how he's acting.

If he stays like this for too long, I may lose my resolve to keep him around. I don't like who the MLC has turned my formerly loving, sweet husband into.

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How do you look when he's around? Guys are fairly simple to turn on. I would suggest that when he is home, you get yourself as hot looking as possible and tell him you're going out. Don't tell him where.

When he tries calling you, let it go to VM. You make yourself scarce and don't share info with him.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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I try to look as attractive as possible when he's around. Makeup, nice cologne, well dressed.

But here's the thing. After I got home last night, I was still angry with him about the party, no matter how many times I tried to calm myself down. We ended up having another "discussion."

Then the midden really hit the windmill. I couldn't keep all the pain, rage and fear inside anymore. It all came out. I ended up storming back into the living room and angrily confronting him about why ending our marriage and our life together is so easy for him. I yelled. I cried. I screamed. I pretty much destroyed a month's worth of work on my Last Resort. He threatened to move out, then said he wouldn't. I told him to look at his actions through my eyes and then go look himself in the mirror to see if he likes the man he sees looking back at him. I said a lot of things.

I don't know if I can re-start my LRT and have the confidence, patience and strength I need for it to work, or if he's too far gone in his MLC and just wants to destroy everything rather than face it.

...I just want my husband and my marriage back, and it hurts so much.

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(((Kelly))) I know what you're going through. Yes, you messed up and backslid WAY down the hill. But there's still work to do...on YOU.

What do you want to change about you?

I think you need to back away from H a bit. Believe me, with him in the same house, I know how hard that can be. (My H and I share a 2 bdrm condo) Go out, have some fun. And if you're not up for that, then at least take some time to yourself. Read, go for a walk, SOMETHING that's for you.


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Happy and loving life.
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I am still working on changes about me. I want to learn to fully forgive and let go, to believe in myself, to unlearn some of the coping mechanisms that protected me through my childhood sexual abuse and emotional abuse. These are some of my goals in IC.

I am a very plus size girl, and though I don't believe "If I get skinny, I'll win him back" I have started walking to improve my health, and it's working.

I am going to take up belly dancing.

I'd like to find a local support group for MLC spouses, but they're kind of thin on the ground. I'm still reading as much as I can on the topic and educating myself as much as I can.

Last night in our fight J told me that if we were to reconcile that I would always hold this over his head. I told him that I wanted to look back on it as a wake-up call and learning experience that helped us both grow as people and grow in our marriage. He was very quiet after that.

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What a great answer. Way to keep the road home paved!


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Originally Posted By: justkelly
I'd like to find a local support group for MLC spouses, but they're kind of thin on the ground. I'm still reading as much as I can on the topic and educating myself as much as I can.
If you can find other LBS and meet with them it is one of the most empowering things that you can DO.
As far as MLC education their is a ton of stuff around, this website has great resources and it is a good place to start.
If you need any help finding something I may be able to point you in the right direction.


Me-70, D37,S36
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