if there is any positive in this.. it's that she initiated the talk.. and she is voicing what she thinks she needs. which seems like more than she has done in a while.
it takes a lot of courage to continue on this journey. i imagine it's scary. however.. we still don't know the outcome of this story.
by letting her go.. i don't think that means you are giving up on your M or your family. it's a very loving gesture to give her the space she feels she needs. in this past year, you have done a lot of work on yourself and changed for the better. you were able to do this in the face of adversity while continuing to provide for your family and being a solid foundation for your kids. unfortunately.. your wife wasn't able to do this. it doesn't mean she's a bad person. she's simply reacting differently (diversity is one of the beauties in human nature).
maybe being on her own will help.. maybe not. but it's not your decision to make. you have been accountable for your choices and actions, it's now her opportunity to be accountable for hers.
we seem to be in parallel relationships. i see a lot of my H in your W. i think the big dynamic that really differs though is that my kids are very little and so they are much needier and H can feel that. your kids are older.. and independent. your W may feel they just don't need her like they use to (which is obviously not true given S13's reactions).
it really suxx. but we're here with you.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
if there is any positive in this.. it's that she initiated the talk.. and she is voicing what she thinks she needs. which seems like more than she has done in a while.
It's almost always her that initiates the talks. It's like a boiler that needs to blow off steam every now and then. She just called me a few minutes ago from work. She was at a loss for words and I knew she was trying to get something out. I asked if I could take a stab at what she was trying to say. I said "you are at a complete loss for answers for yourself and then our M and family, and when we discuss things, the pressure makes you say things you don't necessarily mean or feel". She said yes, that's exactly it. Then she said my mind, heart and passion intimidate the hell out of her bacuse she feels so unstable in her entire being. Once she found a voice she said her life has been like she's a seed in an acorn, that's just beginning to sprout, and then I have this super strong confidence that to her is like a hurricane wind. I know she feels that way and that's why I have backed off for a year, and let her initiate these conversations. She's got to make it on her own. I still can't see how she can do that here without all the collateral damage.
it takes a lot of courage to continue on this journey. i imagine it's scary. however.. we still don't know the outcome of this story.
I agree with you that it's scary and yeah, the outcome isn't written yet. Sometimes it pays to bend with the wind, but other times you have to make things happen despite the fear. That's what this is all about for me, really for her mostly.
by letting her go.. i don't think that means you are giving up on your M or your family. it's a very loving gesture to give her the space she feels she needs. in this past year, you have done a lot of work on yourself and changed for the better. you were able to do this in the face of adversity while continuing to provide for your family and being a solid foundation for your kids. unfortunately.. your wife wasn't able to do this. it doesn't mean she's a bad person. she's simply reacting differently (diversity is one of the beauties in human nature).
I would never say she is a bad person. I love her soul to the core. She is very troubled and lost. Without it being the intention of either of us she latched onto me in a father figure type way. I was the first stability she ever had, and then she had the distraction of having the 3 boys and a home, which she focused on and really excluded all else. She did this without me really knowing the extent of it because unlike me, she can give off a very convincing facade while very troubled underneath. We all saw the demons in various forms through the years, kids included. These demons were lurking in her since her toddler years where she was horribly molested again and again, and lost her foundation when her dad died. That's why she was diagnosed with the arrested development at age 8. And she lived a truly disastrous life until she and I hooked up. I always knew she had problems because I felt them firsthand, but never knew about this type of stuff, nor how it could explode in later years. Hell, she didn't either.
maybe being on her own will help.. maybe not. but it's not your decision to make. you have been accountable for your choices and actions, it's now her opportunity to be accountable for hers.
Yeah. I keep thinking maybe she will find answers, confidence, and a sense of self. Maybe she will even become happy, then maybe she can look back to us. Maybe never. And I can't say where I'll be by then. I know I'll alway be a Dad and a good one no matter where I am. And if I find love in a R on my level with someone else I can't say that I wouldn't always love her. I did share my soul with her after all. But I think people can move on to a better love R that's a match at the same level. I'd be bringing a history but not necessarily baggage as most define it as a negative. I realize I'm getting way ahead of myself on that topic but after a year I think I at least need to consider it.
we seem to be in parallel relationships. i see a lot of my H in your W. i think the big dynamic that really differs though is that my kids are very little and so they are much needier and H can feel that. your kids are older.. and independent. your W may feel they just don't need her like they use to (which is obviously not true given S13's reactions).
You're spot on on these comments. And yes while eerily parallel, the age differences of the kids is a huge difference. That may help you and I pray that issue comes up in your Retroville thing. But be careful. My Mom and Dad split when my brother and I were little (you know my Vietnam story). I still to this day can't believe they did it. It's one reason why I get so defensive for you, and the others on this board with wee ones.
it really suxx. but we're here with you.
Your gentle and wise wisdom is once again just what I needed. Your kids are sooo amazingly lucky to have you. I'm glad as can be that I know you despite the crappy way we got here
sorry about the emotionally draining couple of days. I admire you for your calm demeanor and willingness to listen to your W.
It sounds like she is in a deep depression. I'm not sure what kind of effect letting a person who is deeply depressed hit rock bottom could have. I feel like maybe she does need someone stable to hang onto as she's struggling with this. Would being on her own make her drown? Will she be able to make it? Would it push her further into depression?
You've done an amazing job being there for her for a year, and I can't imagine how drained you must feel.
It sounds like she wants to run away from all the problems. She feels guilty, and even though she hasn't shown much attention to your S's, she must feel guilt deep inside. Does she have any interaction with them? Does she initiate any interaction with them? Maybe her guilt in letting everyone down makes her think that she's not wanted there anymore.
You have a lot to think about and think of possible other approaches. Just remember that it is not your job to fix her. She needs to figure this out herself, but it sounds like she does need your guidance in some way.
I agree with BF that it is good that she's reaching out to you with her talks. She's struggling and she needs help. It's feels so horrible to watch a loved one suffer like that and not being able to do anything about it. You are doing the right things by taking care of yourself and your sons. Everything will be alright one way or another. You'll get through this. ((rick))
I swear Rick we could do that show wife-swap and I don't know that we'd know there was a change!
Ride it as you see fit. You're in the driver's seat. If it's worth continued investment then invest. If not... well, your call.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
NHAMPSTERMOM.....your message is very timely because as the day has moved and she reached out again later today i am needing to hear other opi ions. What you say makes a ton of sense. I need to give your thoughts a lot of consideration.
I am very concerned about the damage being done right now, and you're also right that despite her state of mind, the guilt is enormous for her. Her mind and soul are indeep turmoil,however her heart has always been pure. So, on top of her turmoil her heart is suffering.
Been offline a lot this weekend and catching up now. You've got a lot of good feedback and since I'm no wise sage, I'll just let you know that your ability to stay calm and centered is so incredibly admirable and I appreciate the example.
NH is right. Its not up to you to fix her. You can certainly be there if she reaches out, but she's going to have to do that and maybe this was her way of starting(?)
I'm with WHG, my W has trauma from the past that I see similar "victim" and hopeless behavior from W. She once made the comment to me that "it just wasn't in the cards for her to be happy".
I'm pulling for you. Be a postive influence where you. Sounds like you've got some great boys to take care of.
Keep taking care of yourself. Its got to be the best way for you to take care of the others in your life.
(ok, virtual hugs from guys don't seem to work so I'll have to figure out some type of keystroke for a fist bump!)
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Okay so I'm walking thru the kitchen and my W stops me and says that because I have my own life she should learn to handle her own finances. So I calmly work towards figuring out what she means. I tell her that I emailed her with a suggested way of doing this when she said last time that it was important to her, and that she never responded, so is that what you want to do or do you have something else you're thinking? She says we are leading separate lives so we should separate the finances. Note that this has been a big thing for her forever but she has never actually stepped up to do something about it. So I say do you want to do this now? She doesn't. She says this way of living suxx and it's killing her. I ask her what she wants or needs to do. She says (and I knew she would see my GAL and detachment this way) that since we lead totally separate lives she hates it here. So I say that she is giving me contradictory messages. She pushes me away completely and then is unhappy that I'm not with her like before. She says she is not actually doing anything. She's just completely unable to get a hold on what to do in anything and absolutely has nothing in the tank at all. That opens the door for a 3 hr Gilligan tour of our entire history and everything going on now.
It's funny huh?
Not funny like Ha Ha, funny as in odd....
Things are going well, you get sukked into a relationship talk..
Kind of felt like the bomb again huh ?
YOUR reaction was different this time, and this didn't send you on a kamikaze mission ( or at least in front of her this time)
Hmmmmm...
You are getting this for a reason. YOU have taken steps to move forward in your life. There is a guilt there that she isn't capable of doing the same. She can clearly see that you are getting your life in order, and she is having a hard time with that. There is part of her that can't watch that.
The confusion she is feeling is actually a good thing. Time is on your side here.
The good part of it is....that she felt SAFE coming to you. You didn't call her crazy (to her face at least), you listened and validated her. You provided a safe place for her to vent her frustration.
Rick.....she is only going to be able to feel what she feels. A person is only capable of giving outwardly, what they are feeling inwardly. What she has shown you is miniscule, compared to what is really going on in her head.
Being the LBS-DBer is one of the hardest things in the world to do. WE hold ourselves to a higher standard in almost everything we do now. We walk a tight rope of being "superior" to our spouses. WE have learned the hard lessons, the hard way. And we are better because of it. It doesn't make us the judge though.
That is what is expected from us. We are here, honing our relationship skills almost daily. The way we talk, the way we think, the way we act. All in part, to make us capable of making better choices in our lives.
Our spouses aren't here, and they are not doing that kind of work yet. They simply are not capable of that for now. There will come a time when they are, just for now ? Nope....
She sees that bro, and she knows that she can't do that. She sees your actions have changed, and how you respond differently. Part of that is her wanting to be able to do that, part of that is her feeling guilty that she can't do that.
All relationship talks aren't bad buddy.....it's the ones that the LBS initiates that get us into trouble.
The way YOU handled yourself...was exactly what she didn't expect. The way you handled yourself was EXACTLY the way you should be handling yourself....DIFFERENTLY
Take it easy on yourself, this is one of the first times you have really seen a glimpse inside of her mind, or at least with an understanding of what may be going through her mind.
Get up, dust off, and start a new day man......
You are standing for you...and if a new relationship with her starts down the road, then you will be ready for that. You will even invite that. For now, she has to find herself, before she has anything to give to you.
Been offline a lot this weekend and catching up now. You've got a lot of good feedback and since I'm no wise sage, I'll just let you know that your ability to stay calm and centered is so incredibly admirable and I appreciate the example.
NH is right. Its not up to you to fix her. You can certainly be there if she reaches out, but she's going to have to do that and maybe this was her way of starting(?)
I'm with WHG, my W has trauma from the past that I see similar "victim" and hopeless behavior from W. She once made the comment to me that "it just wasn't in the cards for her to be happy".
I'm pulling for you. Be a postive influence where you. Sounds like you've got some great boys to take care of.
Keep taking care of yourself. Its got to be the best way for you to take care of the others in your life.
(ok, virtual hugs from guys don't seem to work so I'll have to figure out some type of keystroke for a fist bump!)
Thanks Ces...you're The Man
@@ i tried to create a fist bump logo maybe f...b for fist bump?
