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#2230219 - 03/13/12 06:16 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: ptcr]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: ptcrussell
Rick....I have tears and goose bumps for you my friend. You are a courageous man to stand for your M, a beautiful person, a loving Dad, and she is a fool to walk away from you. Period. You are in my thoughts and prayers constantly, as are some many of us in this situation. Be strong and take a sleeping pill. My doc recommends 2 Benadryl and nothing stronger. Sleep will be sooo helpful.


Thanks PTC! Every person who sends me a message here has helped immeasurably. I have yoga tonight so I will probably sleep like the dead. Hope so!

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#2230222 - 03/13/12 06:19 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: ces67]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: ces67
Hope you can get some rest soon. The next few days may be even more bumpy as the details of separation start being worked out.

Good luck. I'd say "be strong" but you're already doing that.


Thanks CES. It ought to be very interesting to say the least. Could go any way on the ugliness scale if she gets crazy a$$ on me. If she drinks then look out. I'm worried about her. Hoping at least the kids will be enough to motivate her now that I'm not the Master Enabler anymore.

Been meaning to ask you. Is Sun Records still in Memphis?

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#2230223 - 03/13/12 06:20 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: mimivac]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
I'm so sorry, Rick. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and your M. You can't make her see that she is walking away from something amazing. She will likely realize it in time when she's truly without you.

Hang in there. We're here for you.

(I wish there was more that I could do for you! Words just don't quite cut it frown )
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

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#2230225 - 03/13/12 06:23 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: mimivac]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: mimivac
Wow, it seems that you've had a real breakthrough. Take some time for yourself now. Of course you will be reeling and the details of your possible S and D will be yet another hurdle. So make sure to take extra good care of yourself during this.

You have done the hard work and can move on without regrets if that's what's in the cards for you. You are a model of what it means to have dignity for yourself and openness to your M within your own boundaries. Thanks for that.

Mimi


Well Mimi...I can look back on most of this and feel I rose to the levels of the principles I chose to live by. I have some "wince" moments in this DB story too. I know I also learned from those and stayed on the high road. I very nervous about how this plays out in day to day, but do feel a strong sense of soemthing very good hidden just around the corner! Good luck to you!!!!!!!!

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#2230263 - 03/13/12 08:12 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Originally Posted By: rickb89

Well Mimi...I can look back on most of this and feel I rose to the levels of the principles I chose to live by. I have some "wince" moments in this DB story too. I know I also learned from those and stayed on the high road.


You will always be able to look back on this time and KNOW that you did all that you could in the name of love for you, your w, and your kids. When your kids get older they will also be able to look back and see how amazing you were.

That I think is priceless!!

Best of Luck to you Rick!!!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2230265 - 03/13/12 08:17 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
I hear ya, Rick about feeling beat right now. It sure can be draining and feeling even defeated sometimes, especially when you are at the turning point you are.

As part of moving on, really try to focus on what 25, true gritter, myself and others have said. It's not just about getting busy with yourself and embracing your own life, but really ACCEPTING your W's point of view.

In the below exchange with your W, you are still very antagonistic to her point of view.

Originally Posted By: rickb89
Last night I clearly expressed my beliefs in.....love as a choice, that M's ebb and flow, that love is built...not dropped out of the sky.....

Her opinion was quite the opposite...that if a R goes bad it's like an abscessed tooth that you rip out to save the rest of you, that you don't beat a dead horse, that she's been unhappy for a long time.

I explained that I've been unhappy too for a long time. To me that meant we needed to find new tools to enhance our M, and that I'm not intimidated by the fact that there has been unhappiness. In the grand timeline of things, these moments were bound to happen along the line.

I said if we take just the first baby step in the direction of our M we can possible save all of this and that real M's are built softly, step by step, with a quiet gentle tenderness, and that the euphoria in all R's passes and should be replaced by these steps.


In telling her that you do not agree with her model of M/R/love (boldfaced above), you are still telling her that her feelings are wrong and invalid. That you do not accept her views on R/M/love or, more importantly, her feelings. You are NOT on her side.

Instead, you turned it around and made it about yourself and your feelings. Yes, you and your feelings ARE extremely important. But, the WAS does not want to hear about them, certainly not now, when they are fogged out and see you as not on their side. Don't fight her on her feelings. They are her feelings and very important to her, the same that yours are very (painfully!) important to you.

How might it have gone differently?

W, you've been unhappy a long time, huh? You don't feel the way you want to feel about us? You even feel like our R is a dead horse, so bad it needs to be ripped out like an abcessed tooth? Wow, I didn't realize it had gotten so bad for you. I can see why you want all that to stop if that's how bad you feel. That you want your unhappiness to end once and for all and you feel that ending our R will do that for you, huh?

And you don't say anything else. That is accepting and validating her feelings. You are not agreeing that you would do the same thing or that you would make the same choice or that you think her choice will lead to her happiness.

You've hung on longer than may have been healthy for you or for her. There are hints of anger and resentment coming through in your messages now (boldfaced below). A consequence of "giving" hoping to influence her in return, but without reward. Of being rejected over and over again. She did not hold a gun to your head compelling you to do this for her. Please don't do it to yourself anymore. It's time for distance and YOUR healing, Rick.

Yes, let her find her own way. You can do this.

Originally Posted By: rickb89
I said that she has quite some time to take even one step but instead has spent all her time on herself only and for herself only, which coupled with the lifestyle change has done a lot of damage..however I have stood by her her entire journey through this...and been rebuffed 100%.

I was willing to go forever for her. She chose such an immoral path (by my definition) that she became the abscessed tooth (to use her analogy).

She asked me last night again to show her how to take care of finances. You know, I've been at this with her for 20+ years...just to try and learn it...Part of me wants to say kiss my a$$...good luck trying to swim.
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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#2230271 - 03/13/12 08:45 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: bustorama]
mimivac Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Washington DC
Bustorama, interesting. I can see that it would be healing to totally accept, if not agree with, your WAS's feelings, rather than to fight them. I think it could be a way to really heal and let go of the anger at your S for not doing what you thought he/she should have done to save your M. In my case, my h keeps emphasizing that his feelings are "real" and "not a joke." Things have gone a lot better for us once I started validating how he feels. He feels what he feels -- it is neither right nor wrong. It is also easier for me to go through this if I see us as two equals with differing approaches, rather than adversaries or as victim/perpetrator. I do think this kind of acceptance is difficult and comes with time and, to a certain extent, detachment. I am still working on it.

Thanks for the interesting thoughts.

Mimi
_________________________
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12

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#2230307 - 03/13/12 09:55 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: sayitaintso]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: sayitaintso
Originally Posted By: rickb89

Well Mimi...I can look back on most of this and feel I rose to the levels of the principles I chose to live by. I have some "wince" moments in this DB story too. I know I also learned from those and stayed on the high road.


You will always be able to look back on this time and KNOW that you did all that you could in the name of love for you, your w, and your kids. When your kids get older they will also be able to look back and see how amazing you were.

That I think is priceless!!

Best of Luck to you Rick!!!


Thanks SAIS!

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#2230308 - 03/13/12 10:00 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: mimivac]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Busto and MiniMe. I'm exhausted and have run out of gas to think right now. I need some rest before dwelling on all this but do not deny I was pushing my thoughts and feelings on her...what a day...

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#2230361 - 03/14/12 02:38 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
Mimi, ya acceptance (with time) can help both the LBS and WAS heal.

Rest well, Rick.
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

Top
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