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#2229989 - 03/12/12 09:23 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: 2thepoint]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2686
Rick

For a long time I made excuses for W's choices based on her crisis. It didn't help either of us.

Especially me.

It is not against your vows or your love for your W to let her feel the consequences of her choices.

I don't mean retribution from you but the fact the you have removed yourself from a M where your W is continually making selfish choices against it.

Would you want her back if she is still choosing that?

What is best for her to learn differently?

You coddling her behavior or enabling it?

A tough step to take for the LBS but a very necessary one for you to heal.

And for her too.
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

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#2229992 - 03/12/12 09:27 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Truegritter]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1784
Really beautiful post rick. Very loving in its own way.
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2229993 - 03/12/12 09:36 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: BklynMom]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
Loving and compassionate (as much as it can be given the sitch)

You're a great guy.
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2230058 - 03/12/12 11:55 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: purgatory]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
It really is the most loving thing to respect your W's choices and not rescue her from them or enable them or excuse them, especially by trampling your own boundaries.

If she chooses that is who she wants to be and that is who she wants to be with (or without), then so she chooses. Let her be who she wants to be and with whom she wants.

Respect her by living accordingly.

You are not obligated to go along for the ride if is against who you are.
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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#2230075 - 03/13/12 02:17 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: bustorama]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10548
Loc: west coast
Rick

I have said this before but it's clear you really truly get it--the more we challenge the WAS's choices,

the more they'll defend them or rationalize them or just get mad at you for questioning them.

Hence backing off and really truly moving forward. Seeing the "positive side" of letting go also helps (ahem, your s13 wearing ear plugs...I bet NOT seeing that won't hurt you).

And there are other positives that of course are stronger, which I think you sense Rick.

Your choice is NOT between your wife, or being alone the rest of your life.

Even if it were, might you choose being single, over being married this way?

This is a reality they created, that you are facing and making the most of.

Even though I love to think my own detaching and GAL was the trigger for my h coming around,

maybe it was all about h realizing he was living alone and

waking up to that fact finally, on the tundra, and the reality that WE lived here, while HE lived there...

Whether it was change in HIM or ME, or both, isn't relevant that much b/c

Either way, MY path was the same. I had to let him go and make myself happy.

As you have discovered Rick, when we make ourselves happy, well, we make ourselves happy.

and Isn't that the point of Living well?

Waiting or hoping THEY change, or wake up, is just not a viable option!!

Making ourselves content, GAL like a maniac, moving forward, taking care of our kids and ourselves...isn't that what we are here on earth for anyhow?

When we put aside our anger & our pain for a minute, we may just see

that the silver lining of all this is realizing this was the way we were

supposed to be living & where our focus was supposed to be, all along.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2230085 - 03/13/12 04:18 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: 25yearsmlc]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2686
Originally Posted By: 25
Whether it was change in HIM or ME, or both, isn't relevant that much b/c

Either way, MY path was the same. I had to let him go and make myself happy.


That is a beautiful pearl of wisdom...in two sentences.

It is ultimately the goal of everyone who comes here.

Whether you save your M or not.
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

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#2230087 - 03/13/12 04:30 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: 25yearsmlc]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 755
Eggs..

((((( )))))

this must be such a heartbreaking position to be in. I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling.

You have walked a tough road. And you have gained so much insight on the man and father you want to be. By clearly identifying your boundaries is another step closer in realizing what you do not want in your life or in a R.

I hesitate to say.. Ok.. Where do you go from here (when you say you are done) because you have just passed the one year mark and reading from other people's threads, it seems to be a moment where people feel it's a make it or break it moment.. But I get that you want to be done for your kids.

Maybe it's just time to shift from trying to create a supportive environment for your W (I mean, you have been with her forever so I get that commitment), to a supportive environment for your kids. Especially S13. Leave W to deal with her decisions (she's a big girl) while you focus on yours.

I don't know what the future holds for you.. But I truly feel that you deserve to receive the love you are so ready to give. One day at a time. Whether the road leads back to your S or someone new, you'll know when you get there. Take the scenic route.. There's no rush.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2230104 - 03/13/12 07:08 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2532
Loc: Piney Land
Hey 89 sorry for what you are going through. I was wondering if she has access to your FB. I would make it private so she has nothing to use and make excuses with. Othe than that I'm in your corner. yes there is a life after this a great life.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2230116 - 03/13/12 08:27 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Rick1963]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
=@@= Plenty of support in better words than I can offer. Just know I'm thinking & praying for you.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2230118 - 03/13/12 08:40 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: ces67]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
((Rick)) Sorry you're in so much pain. Letting go of your W is the most loving thing you're doing for everyone. As much as it hurts right now, it sounds like you're making the right choice for yourself and your family. Some day down the road you'll be able to look back to this time and be happy with the decision you made.

Just know that you are not alone.

What's your plan?
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



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