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#2225317 - 02/27/12 08:45 AM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: labug]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
I have not started a new thread. I now don't know if I am locked. It looks like mods are deciding on a display name change. I am so lost here. Normally I am sort of good at tech.

Just saying I feel bad.I don't know what to do next on this board. Maybe I will just keep reading everyone else's. Although I am envious of the friendships and support you all have.

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#2225629 - 02/28/12 07:14 AM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Well my display name change was approved. Just reading a lot of these threads, and there sure seems to be a lot of new heartbreaks. So sad, but they are all lucky to find this place.

I find weekends horrible, maybe because we always used to do stuff. Guess I need to find my own new stuff. Trying like crazy to detach from H. in my mind. Not think about what he is doing, thinking.

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#2225630 - 02/28/12 07:19 AM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Feeling a lot of anger at this stage. I know I have to work through it. H. is such a controlled thinker and great compartmentalizer. It's just all business to him. It's hard to believe he has no feelings about the D.

But I need to stop thinking about him and focus on me.

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#2225634 - 02/28/12 10:45 AM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Well, I have been into this for 6 weeks. I have not cried at all. I think I was in the shock and awe of it all. Now I seem to be able to feel and cry. Especially to acts of kindness. My realtor who got us into this house father just died. He was also out realtor. After sending my email of condolence, he wrote me back with kind words. He said the universe has a way of taking care of us when we need it. He knowes our sit. I broke down like a baby. Just to hear some kind words from anyone. Certainly not getting from smug H. I just hate him right now. He lost his dad 2 years ago and I was totally there for him. This is a 62 yo man. I lost my dad at 23. Jeez.

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#2225946 - 02/29/12 06:18 AM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Well I got that out of my system for now anyway! Spoke to H on phone tonite. Just about dentist bills originally, but we chatted about other things too. H is in so much chronic back pain, awaiting surgery, I wonder if and when he feels better he will feel better about us?

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#2226039 - 02/29/12 04:45 PM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: hopeless in wa]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
Hello! I read your post on my thread this morning and I don't know how I missed this thread when it started, sorry of you feel like you haven't got much support on here. I'm on my phone, but when I get to my laptop, I can post you the 37 rules that were created by Sandi2 (she reconciled her M after she wanted to leave).

There are so many similar stories on the boards, all with their own special twists and turns.... There's no 'one size fits all' DB method- we all trial and error. The important thing to do is reflect (LOTS of reflection) on the things that do get a positive reaction- so you can repeat those and drop the rest. The other thing we say on here is to believe non of what they say and only half of what they do. I know the papers have already been filed, and I can imagine how much that hurts, but there are many members who have reconciled at this same stage, and even after the D is complete. If you want your M, than its only over when you say it is.

What have you been doing to GAL? What are the things he said that caused him to fall out of love- and what are you choosing to do about them?

Keep reaching out to other members- ill try to send some your way too smile
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2226052 - 02/29/12 05:08 PM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: purgatory]
PrincessP Offline
Member

Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 54
Loc: NJ
This is my first time on the DB site. Feeling scared and all the other range of emotions. My apologies at the outset for not having all of the abbreviations down pat. Here goes…
My H walked out the night before my birthday early in January of this year. He said that I have been “mean to him for 20 years” and we have sexless marriage. We have been together for 19 years since meeting mid sophomore year of college, and have been married for the last 9. For 12 years we have weathered the hardships of his education and training to become a physician. In that time, I supported us financially, emotionally, and managed every aspect of our lives to keep everything moving. We hardly fought except about the severe lack intimacy now and then, until our child was born and things got very bad. I suffered from severe post-partum after suffering a horrible delivery and being overwhelmed as a mom and keeping all of the above home management and a full-time career still going. The sexless relationship started a few years after we first got together. Looking back I feel I lost interest because I felt that I was on the back burner to his career goals. As an only child I craved attention even though I kept telling myself and others I could handle the life of a lonely doctor’s W. When the post-partum set in I have to admit that I did get VERY frustrated; I felt I was still doing everything on my own and now added single mom to the list. After some great individual therapy I got my relationship with our child back on track; it was really awful for the first year and half. In that time of mending, my H started his first job (post training) and had an A with a nurse. Sounds so cliché. After finding out about it nine months later, we went to couples therapy with someone who did not suit us. My biggest regret is not finding a better suited therapist after five months of wasted time, money, and effort.
Last week my H went to see my individual therapist to tell her (instead of me directly) that there is no possibility for reconciliation and he cannot understand why I am surprised about this. He repeated that he has been unhappy for a very long time, cannot take the sexless marriage, and I am “mean and nasty.” He comes over to the house (yes, we bought an extravagant house in the last six months and even talked of having another child) to see our child. He is cordial, and even gives me a hug and a peck on the top of my head. I know he loves me still and this is hard for him. I have evidence there is someone else in his life already, not sure how long it has been going on or if it is someone new or the previous person. He lives somewhere close by but I do not know. He has shrouded himself in mystery; I guess he is enjoying the control which he felt he never had in our relationship.
I do not want to give up on our marriage, it is simply not in my DNA. I read Divorce Remedy in the last few days. While the concepts are pragmatic, it seems they are well out of my reach to execute. My therapist is trying to convince to move on with my own life because my H will never come back; he is committed to his decision according to my therapist. In the last few days I put an end to my pity party; I am wearing make-up again and even doing my hair in new ways. Small differences that everyone is noticing even my H. Time is working against me, we cannot hold onto the house for too much longer. In order to keep working full time and have child care I either need to move 100 miles away to my parents or 20 miles into the big city nearby (where I work). I do not want to ever send the message that I am giving up or I am done but practicality is what I am faced with. I have no idea what to do next. I keep telling myself that my first goal is to have H home in three months. How do you reach out to someone who does not want to be with you?
_________________________
M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already

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#2226140 - 02/29/12 08:50 PM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: purgatory]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Thank you Purg, I have read the book DR and all the rules. The only Galing I'm doing today is driving to the dentist in a snowstorm! Yay!! Check in later.

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#2226223 - 03/01/12 01:09 AM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Your second question is harder. He said that for a very long time he felt rejected by me. That our relationship was more like brother and sister. Not enough intimacy and especially sex. I admit to all of it. I just plain took his love for granted.

He is very much a Mr. Nice Guy. He would never really call me out on my non attentiveness. Since we retired I found it hard to be together 24/7. That was 5 years ago. I just found myself pulling farther away from him. I have always felt, he tells me wrongly, that he was someone trying to control me. I think that goes back to my childhood issues (trust, loss).

I feel the walls I put up to protect myself (from loss of him) has totally pushed him away from me. The irony.

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#2226235 - 03/01/12 02:02 AM Re: Husband of 17 year out the door in a hurry [Re: hopeless in wa]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8685
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Glad you changed your screen name. I lost you in that process I guess. It seems you, zig and I are married to men with similar traits.

When I've thought back on things it seems a bit like my H was silently keeping score and when I reached a certain number of points, he walked. Only problem was I didn't know about the score or how I got points. confused

Anyway, water under the bridge. He was and is a good man, just a little noncommunicative in the emotions dept.

I knew my problems and have worked really hard to make myself better. I was controlling, bitchy, angry, depressed not all the time but enough that even I didn't like myself much.

Keep posting and reading. I really gained so much by reading other threads.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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