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Not trying to start something here but I would say something about that to your ex. It is part of your keeping your boundaries. Just say you already had plans for them on Sunday since it is your day but the rest of the time(if it is indeed hers) is fine.

I had to call my ex on that last year planning a trip with them on my time/weekend without even asking about my plans. got to get these people to think.

kat


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XW emailed that D13 signed up for the camp. She didn't sign her up -- which is curious since apparently XW is a counselor as well.

She wrote that D13 wanted to spend time with a friend of hers in Rockton and there's only three counselors.

I was probably too short in my reply.

"She won't be there Sunday. D13 was there when we picked the time for (the event at my church)."

But that doesn't leave room for argument.


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C2H: I think the response was fine. She should not be booking them on your time. Your daughter was part of the decision on that. I think it's good to keep communication to the point, based on your history.

My communication with my ex was so bad that it eventually broke down to nothing for 5 years. Now I give vital info when necessary and only answer questions beyond that. He is so ready to cause trouble at times that I don't want to give him anything to work with.

I feel sorry for your kids. Consider that they may end up doing things they don't want to do just to keep the 2 of you from fighting. It is too bad you cannot all communicate better so the girls won't feel that way.

And I really hope they DO have a great vacation with their Mom. Because they deserve that. Just as they deserve good times with you.

I feel for everyone in your situation. Because I've been there.

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It turns out D13 will be going to the camp. She promised her friend and doesn't want to back out on her.

I picked her up from her week long theater camp and we had an excellent ride home. She's processing lots of teen stuff and the best thing I can do is not add to the stress.

I apologized for being short with her on the phone Thursday night when she said she'd rather do the bible camp.

I told her I avoid her mom's church because that's where we got married. She said she figured that was the reason.

I too want to be stronger. I was at D13's theater camp and they were doing a one hour version of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Joseph had so many tragic things happen to him and he kept getting back up -- like a weeble wobble. And I can't get past an uneducated, unmotivated, unimaginative woman wanting a motorcycle riding, beer drinking simpleton over me.

Then I have that thought and I wonder, where does that anger and bitterness come from and how do I get rid of it?

Anyway, at camp I was watching the final number and trying to imagine D13 10 to 12 years from now. I want her homecoming and prom and high school graduation and college graduation and marriage and birth of her children to be celebrations, not awkward worries over pleasing her mother or father.

Overall, I try to refocus on the fact that the arc of my life is moving in a good direction. If I stay on the path, I will be more than fine. I will thrive. I just have to convince myself that is enough.


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You did what was best for your daughter. She was undoubtedly torn. But this time you let her make the choice and it wasn't about the tug of war between mom and dad. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

I love Joseph. It is my favourite musical. I have seen it app 6 times - 3 of them with Donny Osmond as Joseph. I want to be like him - make the lemonade from the lemons!

I know how you feel. From the time my ex left - all I could think about was how my daughter's wedding would be a mess. (BAD). Every grad since was a super stress. It became more about him being there and what would happen than about our child and their most important day. I regret that.

You really seem to be doing what is best for your girls. I've seen you grow a lot in the past few months.

Good stuff!

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Actually Barb, I think overall I was wrong about the bible camp. If I was talking to someone else about something similar I'd say, "in the grand scheme of things, is it really worth it."

I should never let her know something bothers me until I clearly have her doing something outside the agreement, not in the best interests of the kids or clearly to antogonize me. This was nothing of those.

XW sent me a somewhat nasty email saying that everything is always about me. I've gone back and forth about responding. I haven't yet.

Now, there's a lot of truth to what she wrote. And another truth is that I'm the kind of person XW is always going to hate.

I was the youngest child of a divorced couple. They were always fighting for my attention. I never lacked for anything, especially because my older sister was difficult, they showered even more affection on me. And it wasn't just them. The grandparents on both sides paid more attention to me as well.

I grew up being the center of attention. I can talk to people. I can fit in. I can find ways around things. I can usually get what I want without too much effort.

XW was the middle child of an alcoholic father and a distant, unhappy mother.The oldest sister hated everyone and had to be sent to juvy for a time. The youngest is a drama queen who expects everything to be handed to her.

XW was the middle child who got nothing. No special attention. No new clothes. She just went along quietly trying to get everyone to get along.

She isn't very smart, but she's hard working. But it gets her nowhere. No special recognition. Others who are better at the game get the favored assignments and the promotions.

She's a worker bee who is jealous. She's always been jealous of me. My flexible schedule. My number of friends. My contacts. My ability to adjust work to my needs.

I never really understood why. I mean, I thought we were a team and what was good for one was good for both.

But it was never going to be that way. I think she wants to be like me and that was perhaps why she was attracted to me in the first place. But I'm the kind of person she can't stand and is keeping her in her place in her life.

Back to last week's over reaction. Why do I over react. In general, I think I'm a very easy going person. I have a fair amount of anger and bitterness in me, but in general I don't let many things bother me.

This weekend was my 25th class reunion. It wasn't a big deal. We just put it out on Facebook and about 50 people showed up. We got 150 at 20 years when we really worked at it.

But it was a good 50. Some different ones than 5 years ago. And I had a great time going around and catching up. The anger and stress just seemed to wash away. I felt young again -- not physically but emotionally.

I so want to look forward to every day again. I so want to feel like the best days of my life are right now and ahead of me.

Some of that is impossible. But I really want to let go of the anchor on my emotinos that XW has become.

Another feeling came along this weekend. I hate XW. I really do. I hate her deep down in my soul. I really don't even want to share the girls with her. I don't like how she was raised. I don't like the role model she presents. I don't like her family and the role models they are.

I really live in fear that one or the other will end up like her. That's where the over reaction comes from. I over react on EVERYTHING she does.

That in itself is a dangerous feeling because I also don't want to be the overbearing control freak parent bent on making them just like me. At church, this one parent said his goal has become to lead them to God and let him guide their lives.


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Hi! I haven't been posting much lately, but was struck by your comment about how you don't like your XW as role model. I've had that fear too; it was a huge fear of mine for several years during the separation and the divorce. Only recently have I realized that kids are very perceptive. My kids are both turning into great kids, and they have some of their dad's good traits and some of mine and all has worked out well so far. My D12 is doing theatre camp this month too-she will be an Oompah Loompah in Willy Wonka Jr. this Thursday and Friday. I can't wait!

That is great about how you let your D13 choose what she wanted to do. I think as kids get older that becomes more important. Sounds like you are a good dad. And I truly believe you will look forward to every day again and your best days are right now and ahead of you. I love the goal about letting God lead their lives; I'm working on that as a goal for myself too!

Karen


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