Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 42 of 45 1 2 40 41 42 43 44 45
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,035
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,035
What I was asking is for you to think about what it is that is keeping you so hooked into thinking about her? I know when you're alone and you're sharing the kids that is hard. So if you can say "hey, I'm thinking about her again, how interesting" and then let it pass without any emotional response then that would be a start! Yes, it takes time but I honestly believe there's some kind of hook that's keeping you so focused on her. Good topic for your counselling session. Hang in there, CTH.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,041
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,041
CTH...man I'm gonna share something with you that 25 told me...she said "It's mandatory that you create and embrace happiness in your future no matter what she does. KNOW THIS is a strength, not a weakness in you.

Do you think she would be attracted to someone who is miserable because they're pining for someone?

Or do you think she would be attracted to someone who is happy and enjoying life?"

.....the same things are unattractive and attractive to others too!


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,096
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,096
Well, Antlers I've heard the fake it until you make it line. I'm no good at that so I do my best to avoid her. At times, I still feel like I'm playing poker. And right now I feel like I'm holding a pair of 6's. Better than no pair but not enough to play the hand with confidence.

I totally agree with you on finding my own happiness. I know that, it still doesn't keep the pangs away.

I'm just reprocessing all of the pain because now there's someone else in my daughters lives.

D9 called me Saturday to ask to go to church Sunday, tell me a funny story about a fox in their back yard and how she had a great day at the BF's sister's farm and she even got to ride on a motorcycle.

That hurts. It will always hurt.

Wii, counseling is set for Wednesday and I've got a lot to go over. I'm just tired right now and lonely. There have been no solid prospects for me since letting DHU-41 go in January. That, I think is the biggest thing. I'm frustrated and I'm jealous.

I was out Friday night with a friend. He's an interesting guy. We talk a lot because he was an LBS. He couldn't take living in the same small town as his XW so he moved 30 minutes away. Being that far and with not as generous visitation rights as I have, his 13-year-old daughter has really drifted away.

So we have lots to talk about. Anyway, he had a live in girlfriend. She broke up with him about 16 months ago. Then he dated a really nice lady that I was kind of interested in. He moved more quickly. That lasted five months or so and she broke up with him. He works at a hospital system with more than 3,000 employees. He found a divorced muslim doctor and dated her for three months. She broke up with him last week. Out of the blue, a 20-something (he's 48) from the hospital system IT department emailed him.

So she came out with him Friday night. She's smart and pretty and they were all over each other.

And I was jealous. Extremely jealous.

Saturday was kind of a bomb. I did some yard work. Seal coated my uncle's driveway, got my hair cut, did church (didn't know D9 was going to call about Sunday) and then only went out briefly because my usual people were too tired.

It was just one of those weekends where I feel like I'm "losing" the divorce.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu
http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,710
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,710
What Gineen said! (well put).

Read what you wrote about your friend. Is a series of short term relationships what you are after? Because - they're fairly easy to find. But does every time you break up from one mean you are a LOSER again? Despite the fact that DHU-41 was TOTALLY wrong for you (and you said it from the beginning) - you seem to suggest that breaking up with her was a loss. And you continued on with her for much longer than you knew was good for you. Because - she was better than nothing. Well - nothing is often much better than someone else.

You really think you are the biggest loser in the divorce??? I DON'T think so and I think your perspective is really off. Having a significant other is NOT all that it's cracked up to be - so - she has a guy. Big deal. You really have no idea what their R is all about and whether he is good for her or whether they fight or whatever. You DID get a financial mess (ex) out of your life so you won there. You DO have very good co-parenting time with your kids - you are doing great there. What makes you believe you are a loser?

Although I am in a Post D relationship - I did my time alone for a few years. And that time was SO good for me. I did not rate myself according to my couples status. In fact - having ex move out and in with the ultimate in controlling women (and a predator) - I knew I dodged a bullet there. Even our children agreed that our home became much more of a haven without dad in it. His depression and anger disrupted our peace on a regular basis.

When I was on my own for the first time - I got stronger. Yes - I spent time in counselling and learned more about myself, more about what I wanted in a partner (if I decided to go there), set goals for my future - things I may not have been able to do with ex. Now that much time has passed - I can honestly say that I am SO glad he is NOT in my life. I could not be doing the things I am doing if he was. I came to a fork in the road. I ended up on the road less travelled but it has been a beautiful journey despite the bumps and ruts in the road.

I hope that counselling will help you develop a better sense of who you are. Remember that you came into this world alone and you will leave it alone. Who you meet along the way can add to your enjoyment or detract from it. (and a 20 year old might be great for one night of enjoyment but REALLY - is THAT what you want? Walk into any bar and you can have it - just protect yourself). You need to build on the things you enjoy and reduce the things you don't enjoy.

I found a renewed love of gardening and started new hobbies Post D. I moved to be further away from the source of my agony (ex) but I don't suggest this until the kids are grown. I learned to check with myself if I was happy in the moment or not. And if not - change what I was doing.

So stop comparing yourself to other people. Some people on this bb have moved on to fulfilling new Rs. Some are just getting their toes wet and testing dating out. Some are thinking about it. Some are content focussing on parenting, work, creating their own lives. Most have learned (or are learning) that they are COMPLETE an happy on their own. Creating lives that are filled with friends, activities, hobbies, etc WITHOUT a significant other.

Stop being so hard on yourself. You have done some work on creating a new life. You go out probably 10 times as much as I do (I have a severely handicapped son that I need to be home for at night yet I don't think I'm a loser because of it). I could be jealous of all your free time and fun. And you've figured out ways to enjoy your great summertime with your girls, earn extra $ with the umpiring, attend dance recitals, plays, parades - from the time my ex left (D was 12 and a world class baton twirler/dancer) - he never attended a single performance of hers. Not you - you are a very involved dad.

SO - pat yourself on the back for all the good things you do. Get CLEAR with yourself about what you really want - and then go after it. Set your goals high. Don't settle.

And if it were me - when my daughter told me about all the great things she is doing with ex's BF (I would not know because my kids are NEVER invited along on any events) - I would say "I'm glad you had a good time. I'm not really comfortable hearing about BF so I'd rather we not talk about it". Maybe not the advice others would give you but that's how I feel and just what I would do. Why tear off the scab just when it starts healing - you start bleeding again.

Barb

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,035
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,035
I understand how hard it is to adjust to being alone again, CTH. I was part of a couple for 17 years, it becomes a major part of who you see yourself as. It's not just a 1 year transition and life is rosey again. The first two years I was alone it was just survival, trying to make sure that my kids were ok, that I was OK and trying to build a new life outside of what I'd known. Thank goodness I had been dbing and had set up a structure of activities that aided me in adjusting. I also understand your need to be busy busy busy, that was me too. I was gonna be the best darn separated guy on the planet, I wasn't gonna end up depresses and on meds like some of my friends uh uh. Whatis was gonna kick the crap out of this thing. I had difficulty when I was alone and had nothing to do and that's when the stinkin thinkin would start. I'd doubt myself, I'd see a "loser" etc. Anyway, just keep pluggin away, it takes time. It really does. Some of that time is real good and some s@cks...not to different than being with someone, when you think about it.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,096
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,096
I hear everyone and I understand and I agree -- but it's going to take time.

Today, my issues were really with parenting. I fell back into lecture mode with D13 rather than listening mode. Again ... tired. Can't wait for vacation so I can sleep in for a few days.

I will just have to do better tomorrow with D13. The surly teen years are taking some getting used to.

Couple of issues popped up with XW -- via D13. XW called D13's school, talked with the vice principal and decided D13 will repeat pre-algebra rather than advance to algebra.

I do not disagree -- but I learned this through D13. I would have liked an email or text for my opinion.

Second thing, D13 had braces three years ago. Since, her teeth have reverted back and she needs them again. Unfortunately, she says XW is saying she can't get braces until D9 has them because she can't afford it.

Well, I don't want to wait on braces for D13 because XW can't figure out how to budget.

So I sent an email asking her to please consult me on school decisions and to get D13 to an orthodontist to see what needs to be done and get an estimate. Once we know the costs we can figure out how to pay for it.

I've been planning on braces for both girls for two years now. I have it worked out and can even figure out how to pay for XW's share and just have her reimburse me (GETTING a check from her every two weeks would be fun).

Updates on other stuff. Umpired last two nights. Have 10 days off, which I need. My knees are stiff. Completed and submitted my grad school application. Another step forward.

Seal coated my uncle's driveway for $50 over the weekend. He wants me to do another coat for another $25. Really, I'm in very good financial shape heading into my first week of vacation. Bring on the fun.

Still, still having bad adult acne. It popped up in February and hasn't gone away. Lots going on at that time -- started working out heavily, which tends to cause it. Started eating lots of protein to keep my levels up for plasma donation. Not sure if that can be a cause. And, of course, learned of XW's boyfriend, which stirred up anxiety issues. Stress causes acne.

I've read lots about it and am trying the health suggestions. Still, it isn't helping much. I'm making an appointment to see a specialist for the first time since I was 15. Really, I can't believe I have this to deal with again.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu
http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,710
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,710
C2H: I think you are doing pretty good. Your issues with D13 are the same issues we all go through. Listening is great but sometimes we do have to lecture and dictate - it's all about being the parent. I doubt any of us could say we were perfect parents all the time - sometimes we were tired or stressed - we just did the best we could.

As for the issues with Ex W - your email to her was totally appropriate. She DOES need to communicate these things with you. I'm pretty impressed that you have thought ahead about budgeting for braces for both girls - you are ahead of the game.

As for the adult acne - seeing a dr is the right way to go. I know that Accutane seems to help a lot of people but I'm no dr and he can advise you best. I'm sure it has to be stressful for you.

I think you are doing much better than you sometimes give yourself credit for. Way to go!

Barb

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 9,762
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 9,762
Totally agree with Barb!


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,096
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,096
Barb, funny thing is I can't take Accutane unless I want to stop donating plasma. It's one of the medications that is on the no-no list. Since I make $50 a week doing that I'm going to try several other things I saw online.

I didn't know what Accutane was until two weeks ago and then boom I recognize it as one of the medications -- along with stuff like Propecia and Avidart -- that I can't take while donating plasma.

The protein diet does cause acne because protein is difficult to digest. So I'm going to have to be more conscious of just loading up on the protein the day before donating -- and then eating normal the rest of the week.

The reason I have to load up is my protein level has to be a certain level to donate and it keeps falling right to minimum levels.

The lack of sleep does cause acne as well. I'll have to be more careful of getting my rest.

I need to load up on zinc, magnesium and chromium. Those help clear up skin apparently. I went to the store and bought One a Day vitamins.

Still, I'll see the doctor in a couple of weeks for more advice on cleansers and lotion.

XW called. Psychiatrist wants to put D9 and Abilify to combat her compulsiveness or lashing out when she's mad. The doctor told XW the only side affects usually are that it will make D13 tired. She said to give it to her at night.

I went online and found some reviews where people brought up a whole lot more side effects.

Doctor also wants to double D9's ADHD medicine.

On this one, XW had to call and tell me because I have to give her the medicine as well.

Picked up D13 for lunch. She told me D9 is going to take them on a trip this summer as well. I smiled and said I'm glad she's taking them somewhere.

In a way, I'm forcing her to pick up her parenting game.

I booked the Chicago trip. I have -- had -- $738 saved up on a separate debit card. I spent $278 on a really nice hotel room. I could have gone cheaper, but I want it to be an experience. And then $240 getting three "City Passes." The city passes pay for one time admission to Shedd Aquarium, the Field Museum, Adler Planetarium, Museum of Science and Industry, the Art Institute and the Skydeck.

That takes care of the vast amount of the trip. I'll have to pay for parking, meals, a water taxi trip and entrance into the Children's Museum at Navy Pier.

I think, think the $738 might take care of it all.

I've upped my bi-weekly contribution into this card to $40. So a year from now I'll have $1,040 to spend.

Last thing, met with counselor today. She thinks I'm doing well. She thinks troubles in my head with BF will fade with time. She also thinks I don't really have enough time for a GF now anyway so I should stop stressing.

No big breakthroughs. Just someone to talk to once a month to get this all out -- without burdening my friends.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu
http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,041
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,041
I read this today......
     “The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Page 42 of 45 1 2 40 41 42 43 44 45

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard