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Nix the balloon idea. My ex turned 50 right after we split. He told the kids "no party". Uh - are you kidding? The kids would not have a party - they never even went to his place (EVER) because of OW. I did get him a card and a small gift from Ryan. (He can't do his own shopping). But did he really think we were going to have a party?

You don't like your ex - that's obvious. Doing something to announce it makes YOU look silly. Or mean.

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Actually Barb, there are times I don't like my ex and there are times I feel like all of the feelings are still there.

OK. No balloons. No card either. Just another day on the calendar.

I figured this would be the last birthday of any significance really. By the time she's 50, we'll have been divorced 10 years and apart 12. I would hope by then she'd just be an occasional memory.

I still have some raw nerves on this whole thing. I opened up my gmail account and XW forwarded a response she sent to D9's school case worker.

The original email was sent to "Mr. and Mrs. CTH."

She responded.

"It's Ms. CTH. CTH and I are divorced."

I didn't read the rest of the email. I just put it in a folder of her other email. I know I'm being too sensitive on this. I remember getting mail from my lawyer referring to her as "Ms." and I hated it then too.

I think I've been around her too much the last month, too much time over at the old house.


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C2H: I think your feelings are normal. I was extremely sensitive to the things that were said and done. And for a long time after.

It took me years of therapy and finally total darkness (no contact for 5 years) that finally made me stop thinking about what he did to me and all the associated hurts.

And it has now been 10 years for me. And I saw him every day for 2 weeks last year (when our son was in ICU) and guess what? He IS a distant memory. It doesn't feel so painful anymore. Exactly what you predicted.

It all comes down to - I bruise you - you bruise me. If she bruises you and you don't react - she'll probably do it less. Yes - that was one thing I learned.

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Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope
I think I've been around her too much the last month, too much time over at the old house.

The good thing?

This is entirely in your power to control.

Think about that.

Maybe it will help.


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
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Maybe I am lucky, I have two last names. Never went by Mrs Anyone but I kept reinforcing two last names put that together with an unusual first name and well you have me in a nutshell.

It is fine to not like her. She did a very hurtful thing to you. She probably sees it as doing something for herself. Always two sides you know. So do things that help you to distance yourself enough to keep you feeling good. When you do things for her, I imagine she feels as if you will always be available to help her and then she can go right back to treating you badly.

You may justify it as doing a good thing like you would for anyone. The problem is that she isn't anyone. She is your ex. If it is something to do with the kids, I can see that as a bit easier to take. Plowing her drive isn't your problem and this is why. She needs to make those adjustments in her life like any single person. She will never have a chance to see how good you were fir her if you keep doing this stuff. She won't have a chance to miss you as you are always there to rescue her.

Just some food for thought. Kat


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Shoveling the drive and trying to cut up the branches that fell this summer I think was MY guilt over treating her like a pariah for the past two years.

The girls told me she actually WAS MAD when she saw the branches. She didn't like that I piled them in the back corner of the yard with other old branches she never took care of.

I was thinking about that stuff this morning. I will not do anything like that again. I think I've taken of the guilt on my side.

Funny, my emotions have swung back over to anger again towards the Ex. I was doing dishes yesterday morning and felt the bitterness. I asked myself why. What changed from the past few days.

Basically, fear. I wanted to go out Saturday night and ended up staying in because all of the friends I usually go out with were occupied. When I want to do something and can't find someone to do it with, I feel like such a failure.

Again, fear of failure drives my anger.

I have to learn to be OK with doing nothing. I have to learn to be OK to be by myself. I have to stop judging myself negatively.

Long, long, long process.


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Quote:
Long, long, long process.


Boy, you aren't kidding. Not just a long process, a lifelong process.

Battling our self-image that has been our identity for our entire lives is something that we are not able to actually do. We just get better at the thought stopping process.

I have full on 'hate talks' with myself in my head on a daily basis. Thankfully, they have become shorter through a lot of therapy but hey won't go away entirely.

Since you feel like a failure when you don't have someone to go out with, try to come up with an activity in your home that makes you feel like you have accomplished something in doing it. You have said you are working on a book, right. When you have no outside activity to go to, would you feel better about yourself if you took that time to work on that? It's a goal to finish it right? It doesn't require anyone else to get it done. You'll feel great when it's done. Those are the things you can replace that 'loser' feeling with.


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confused....to say the least!!!

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If I can't find anyone to go out with, I go out by myself. I've gone out to restaurants, movies, museums, hikes, kayaking with a tour (other people, but I didn't know any of them). Try it - it actually isn't scary once you are there.

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Maybe it's a time of year thing. I remember last year I just wanted nothing to do with XW at the start of the school year.

I'm back to that again. I think the email exchange between her and the school official where she emphasized it was "MS." CTH set me off.

She forwarded another email where the officials responded "MS. CTH and Mr. CTH."

I am guessing she just doesn't see that as insensitive. I sent her an email saying that. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did it anyway.

In any case, this is the annual IEP meeting again and the two options are next Tuesday, which is XW's birthday, and next Thursday.

I am definitely not going to agree to her birthday. I had tons planned for that day already.

I need to flush the anger between now and then.

I was having some good moments yesterday. D9 had an after school meltdown and I was able to get her back on track. That was good.

The girls then went to the health club, and I felt like XW is the one missing out. I had my faults, but I was 100 percent dedicated to her.

I felt like I will be fine. The money is working out. Eventually someone else will come into my life. I felt like I really didn't want her back, not with all the negativity and depression.

It's one thing to say it or realize it, it's another when you feel that way. I am guessing over time the feeling will grow and I won't have to remind myself so much.

I will make the meeting on the 8th and I will look good and I will speak up. The days of deferring to XW are over. D9 is not off to a good start this year at her new school. The more I think about it, the more I'd like to figure out a way to hold her back a year. It's the only thing we haven't tried.

I'm liking Thursday mornings. D12's school district has two start times. An earlier one for K-6 and a later one for 7-12. The district read studies where older kids just don't function well early in the mornings. So D12's school starts 45 minutes later.

After dropping D9 off at school, D12 and I had 45 minutes together. This is going to work out really well. We went to eat breakfast. D12 isn't happy about the house. XW keeps taking them to open houses. They are looking at small house one-story houses, slightly more square feet than mine.

First thing is XW still hasn't received an offer on the house. I can see why. Even though she's dropped the price $20k, the house needs another $20k -- minimum -- in repairs.

Eventually though she'll have to leave and, from the price range she's looking at, she's realizing that she'll have to make major adjustments in life style.

D12 doesn't want that though. Now she has a big house -- my old one -- where there's plenty of space away from D9, plus the big back yard, the creek, the house has charms. And she has the small house -- my current one -- where there's not a lot of room so we make do.

Some day it's going to be two small houses for D12. Two small bedrooms. A severing of the link to her childhood.

Just your typical hurricane of emotions -- good, bad.


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Quote:
She forwarded another email where the officials responded "MS. CTH and Mr. CTH."

I am guessing she just doesn't see that as insensitive. I sent her an email saying that. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did it anyway.


I don't understand how that is insensitive. How else could they address both of you?

Quote:
Some day it's going to be two small houses for D12. Two small bedrooms. A severing of the link to her childhood.


I would try to spin the positive for her rather than the negative. Help her to see that she is fortunate to still have two loving, involved parents, and while she may not have a big house she does still have a house. Maybe taking her to volunteer in a shelter so she sees that there are so many less fortunate kids.


"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn

Suzy
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