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Dory Offline OP
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Thanks Denver.

More journaling:

It's been an interesting week. I've been darker than usual with H the past few weeks. Under the guidance of my therapist I've gone against some of the DB principles and even went so far as having R talk with my H. My therapist suspects that because of H's psychiatric illness, he doesn't fully fall in the category of a typical WAS and I tend to agree.

H has always been fully supportive of my therapy and I've been able to use that to my advantage (wow that sure sounds manipulative). As part of my therapy I've been doing nightly thanksgiving/appreciation exercises where I've been emailing or texting 3 people in my life something that I appreciate or like about them and then I journal something I appreciate or like about myself and something about the world/univerise that I appreciate. It's meant to get myself into the habit of thinking more positivitely. H is one of the 3 that I've chosen as I figured it would be a win/win for the both of us (afterall, who doesn't like hearing nice things about themself?) and hopefully benefit our R, as I suspect that H was feeling that I was taking him for granted. My therapist thought that my reasoning was a good idea, as long as H was ok with it and I made sure that H felt no obligation to respond. H is completely fine with it.

Well I've been doing this for over a month and last week was the first we've talked about it since I started doing it. H brought it up by saying that he thinks it's working for me, that I don't seem to be such a negative nelly anymore. He then went on to say that he's a bit disappointed the times I've forgotten to do it and that he's begun to look forward to reading them in the mornings because some of things I talk about happened long ago, things he's completely forgotten about and some of it makes him laugh.

Something I wasn't expecting, that's for sure. Seems I've reminded him of some really good times we've had without meaning to. I'll take it as a positive sign that at least he's no longer stuck in black and white thinking.

I honestly don't remember how it turned to R talk. But it was good and it was calm and we agreed to resume the conversation at a later time. H talked about how he felt that he never got any alone time to himself and that he's finding that he's really enjoying his alone time. I told him that I can completely understand that, that as a SAHM I have that luxury while D is in school. That while he's at work, he's pulled in a thousand different directions and when he gets home, he still feels an obligation to engage with D and I and he never really took the time for himself to just be alone to think and regroup. H said for this very reason he is dreading his parents coming home. I told him that I can completely understand that as well. (I did not tell him, but I am also dreading my IL's coming home. I really fear that my MIL will resume feeding H her koolaid...although who knows? Maybe it will be enough space and distance that H will start to recognize it for what it is.)

H said at this point in time he's unable to commit either way to D or R. He said he feels bad about that and feels like he's stringing me along and being totally unfair to me. I laughed a little and told him not to presume that he has that much power and influence over me and that I'll do whatever it is that I want to do. I told him that I meant it when I said in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I said to him that he doesn't hold all the cards either, that if we were to attempt R our M, there's a lot of things that I'd also want to see change. H acknowledged that it's both of us who messed things up. (another sign he's no longer stuck in black and white thinking).

H then confessed that things at work aren't going so well. That in the past year or so he's really slacked off and let a lot of things slide. It's starting to reflect in his numbers and that he now has the president and senior VP breathing down his neck. If he doesn't turn things around quickly, he's likely going to lose his job. I tried reassuring him, telling him that he's very good at what he does; That his management team and staff respect him and hold him in high regard so I didn't think it would be an issue in getting their cooperation. He said he knows exactly what he needs to do to get things turned around. I told him I know he does and that I have faith that he'll be successful in getting it done.

(on a side note) ^^^^^ I did tell my therapist about this. She said she's not surprised, that it's an indication of how sick he really is and how his mental illness has crept into every facet of his life. She said this is exactly why I shouldn't take much of what H says about our M too seriously until he gets well again.

On Saturday I told H that if he didn't already have plans for Easter dinner, he's welcome to have Easter dinner with D12 and I. He asked, "when's Easter?" I told him. He said, "sure, that would be great." I then asked him if he had any requests for dinner.

"Tuna casserole."

"What?!?"

"Tuna casserole."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. Is that a hard thing to make?"

At this point I was doubled over in laughter.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing (trying to control my laughter). I was expecting you to ask for pork tenderloin or chateaubriand or something like that. Not tuna casserole! Tuna casserole is what you make for dinner when you've forgotten to take something out of the freezer to defrost. It takes longer to bake than it does to assemble it."

"Well I like your tuna casserole. Is that okay?"

Me still laughing, "Yes it's okay. I can make tuna casserole for Easter dinner."


Ya know, I can't help but love that man. If he were a woman, he'd be the exact opposite of high maintenence. grin


M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
Dory #2237451 04/12/12 04:16 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
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Journaling:

H came over for Easter dinner. We had a good time, he even stayed after dinner to watch a movie with D12 and I.

On Monday I did something incredibly stupid. I'm not proud of myself at all and fear I may have set myself back several steps with H. One of H's buddies gave me a call in the afternoon and asked if he could borrow my pressure washer. It was a nice day out and he said to make sure I had some cold beer, that he would hang out for a couple of beers and catch up. I haven't had anything to drink in months, so my tolerance to alcohol is pretty much nil. So he came over, we had a couple of beers on the sundeck, we talked for a couple of hours, he took the pressure washer and left. By the time this friend of H's left I was feeling pretty good, inebriated you might say. At this point not thinking too clearly, I had another beer. H called. The conversation actually went well, I'm pretty happy and friendly when I've been drinking, thank goodness. Of course, my inhibitions were down so I was able to talk to H without any reservations, without any anxiety or worry that I was going to say the wrong thing to upset him, it felt good, like old times. We talked for about twenty minutes or so...

This is where I ran into trouble and got stupid. It was the first time in months I was able to talk to H freely, without fearing any misstep. I realized how badly I miss that ease of talking with him, how badly I miss having my best friend and how it feels to talk to him without feeling I need to censor myself. That I really miss his friendship. I was feeling very nostalgic.

So under the influence and stupid me, decided to act on my impulses and got out my phone. Didn't drunk dial him but sent him plenty of drunk texts. Think of the dufus at a party who has had a couple too many and gets going with the I love you talk...except in text form.

Fortunately I didn't get too deep into it, I stopped short of the I love you talk. But I did drone on and on about how much I missed him and his friendship and wished for that kind of camaradie again. Three texts total, albeit long ones.

Unfortunately I didn't realize until after I had sent the texts that this is probably the worst week I could've done this. H is already under an enormous amount of stress and pressure with his job and his boss and company president are in town this week. At least I didn't say anything offensive or mean, but I can pretty much count on this not being what H needed to hear from me this week. So I sent a final text apologizing for being a drunken idiot, that I don't want to stress him out and wishing him luck with his meetings this week.

H didn't respond to any of it. And I haven't talked to him since. Could be because I've made him feel totally uncomfortable, could be because he didn't have his phone on and never got the texts (unlikely), could be because he's overloaded with work this week. Whatever it is, I'm afraid I've messed up big time.

I don't know if I should address this with H next time I talk to him and apologize again or if I should just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen.

I feel like a real jacka$$.


M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
Dory #2237454 04/12/12 04:27 PM
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I think we've all done something very similar. wink

The sky did not fall, life goes on.

Lesson learned.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2237474 04/12/12 05:21 PM
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Thanks, labug.

I guess I'm feeling like a big dolt since I knew better in the first place...I'm thinking the beer that's left in the fridge is better off being used as a hair rinse.

If I did make H anxious or uncomfortable, it's probably not a good idea to mention it unless he does.


M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
Dory #2240663 04/25/12 03:43 PM
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Wow, I didn't realize it had been this long since I've posted on my sitch...

I did speak to H about my drunken texts. I apologized, he didn't see it as a big deal so fortunately for me, it went smoothly. Thank God!

Later on that week I had a pretty intense therapy session that left my head reeling (topics unrealated to my M, but still somewhat related as it effects my current thoughts and behaviour patterns). I left the session feeling completely out of sorts, my therapist and I had agreed to take a two week break to give myself a chance to absorb and process what was brought up during the session. After a few days I was still feeling off balance, still trying to process it all and not having an easy time of it. H and I were talking and he had asked how my therapy was going, which is not uncommon for him to ask. I told him about the session. Then I took the risk of asking him if he would go out to dinner with me and act as my sounding board to help me process my feelings. He's done this for me numerous times during our M but hasn't since our separation. Until now it has seemed a bit inappropriate to me to ask this of him as our relationship has changed but I was willing to take the risk, I was experiencing some real difficulty - it was either that or call my therapist and ask for an emergency session.

So H and I went out to dinner. And I spilled my guts about what I had been wrestling with since my last T session. And H offered his perspective. Within 45 minutes I felt 1000 times better. We shared some lighthearted banter, talked hockey, talked baseball, talked work, it was a good dinner. For the first time in a long LONG time, we had some moments of sustained silent eye contact, it became clear that the chemistry between us is still there. The whole thing was surprisingly very relaxed and comfortable.

Aside from a couple of texts about D12's baseball schedule I didn't really talk to H during the next week.

Early Friday evening, H called me. Very excited and very pleased with himself. Apparently H decided to knock off work early and take a couple of his managers golfing. He was so happy to have broken 80, he wanted to tell me about it. This, for H, is a really big deal. He LOVES golfing, used to golf at least once a week, but this was the first time he's been able to in over 2 years because of his leg injury and surgeries.

It was awesome to hear H excited about something again. It was awesome to hear that his game hasn't slipped too terribly after a 2 1/2 year hiatus. It was awesome that H chose to call me to share his excitement. Especially after the drunken text debacle.

I saw the opportunity and grabbed it.

I asked him out to the movies. He accepted.

We saw Amercian Reunion on Saturday night. Had some American Pie type LOL moments but the story was lame.

So, we're still in the friend zone. Things aren't progressing as quickly as I would like, they're pretty much at a snail's pace but at least they're progressing and not regressing. It's been almost six months since the bomb and H moved out. This whole sitch has taught me that I have to exercise a lot of patience.

The past six months have gone from H having total animosity towards me, where I am the reason for everything that has gone wrong in his life. From where he doesn't love me, never has and H oozing hostility with every interaction between us. To today - where he's phoning me to share his joys and excitement, where he's again willing to be my confidant for some really personal and intimate issues and share his perspective and offer me comfort. Where we're going out together and able to have a good time and enjoy each other's company.

I'll take it. smile


M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
Dory #2241614 04/29/12 11:20 PM
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Dory thanks for the kind words on netmasters thread.

You are absolutely right about what you said.
Also the reason that I post about TIME is that this can take a lot longer than we EXPECT.
This is the reason that we need to lower our expectations.

The final reason that I post like that to all the newbies is to bring their threads up to the front.
With the way this board works and they being on moderation their posts tend to get buried.
So by posting to them they feel recognized and validated.
Simple DB techniques really.
Please keep studying posting and passing your knowledge forward.

It is what keeps us all going.
smile smile smile


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2242317 05/02/12 03:09 PM
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Aww, Cadet!

I'm sure the newbies appreciate it! I know I did!

H dropped a mini bombshell a few days ago. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I'm looking for the positives but it definitely puts a big kink in my sitch.

A bit of background:

When H dropped the bomb back in October and left, I had decided I really needed a plan to become financially independent. The alimony H is giving me is plenty to live on, but it isn't going to last forever, nor should it. So I decided that once the house sells, I'll be going back to school to finish my degree in psychiatric/mental health nursing.

It's curious how life unfolds in just the way you need it sometimes.

I am a total nerd at heart. cool I don't usually read novels, I think the last one I read was The Da Vinci Code (seriously). My personal library is full of fiction. Mostly self-help stuff, parenting books, spirituality, history books, some travel stuff, etc...like I said I'm a real nerd at heart. Anyway...I frequent used book stores a lot, I suppose it's my thrifty side showing through. A few months ago I found some psych nursing textbooks that weren't terribly out of date (2010) so I picked them up, thinking I may as well get a head start and hopefully I can make at least a couple of semesters a bit easier on myself.

A few days ago I was talking with H about what I'd been learning from these textbooks, telling him that I'm confident that I'm probably going to sail through most of these courses, although I might have a bit of a hard time with the pharmachology, there's a lot of psychiatric drugs out there that I'll need to know inside and out.

This is when the mini bombshell came. H confessed that prior to his psychotic episode and admission to the hospital, he'd been abusing benzodiazepines for several months. I had no idea. I mean, I knew he had the Rx but had no idea he'd been taking it more than perscribed. So much makes sense now.

A big complication but also explains so much. It pretty much explains everything. Past and present.

My feelings are still running in every direction. I think it's probably safe to assume that shame is the reason why H kept it from me for so long. I didn't ask him why so it is just an assumption.

I do know if I saw the perscribing doctor on the street I would seriously go up to him and ask him WTH was he thinking in giving H refills...

I honestly don't know what this means for our future, not that it really changes anything. It looks like it could be up to another year before it's known if any of the damage to his brain is permanent.

At least now I know what happened to my H and the reason for all his out of character behaviour.


M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
Dory #2246401 05/18/12 05:13 PM
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I had to take a bit of a break from these boards, life's been very hectic the past couple of weeks, my anxiety has gone into overdrive - making it difficult for me to focus on almost anything for any sustained period of time.

The weekend before last, I learned from my brother that my grandmother suffered a stroke...thing is, my uncle's widow who found her, neglected to tell anyone in the family. It was a week after the fact that she left a VM for my brother. Some intense family drama ensued, major mudslinging, etc, etc.

My family of origin is insanely dysfunctional and toxic. I have very limited contact with my family aside from my brother and grandmother. I just can't tolerate much contact with any others, it's just far too crazymaking and my anxiety becomes close to unmanagable whenever I'm around them. Aside from my brother and grandmother, no one from my family knows a thing about my sitch or anything regarding H's mental and physical health problems. And I prefer it that way...any one of them knowing anything remotely personal about my life would be a recipe for disaster...

Throughout all this, I managed to keep myself out of the family drama. I sat back and watched it all unfold (on facebook, to boot) and kept my communciations limited to updating family members on my grandmother's health.

And then I got a nastygram email from one of my cousins, telling me I should be ashamed of myself for keeping my distance and not being a source of support for the family, especially my mother (who I haven't had any contact with in years, as she makes Joan Crawford look like June Cleaver). She got a kindly worded F you, mind your own business & I don't need your s*** response.

Gotta love those guilt trips on the crazy train to dysfunction junction! crazy

So my anxiety has been in overdrive lately and I'm just now getting a handle on it.

Thankfully H fully understands what they're like and has been supportive throughout all of it.

We're still getting along just fine and text each other almost daily. I was afraid that once my inlaws got home from being down south for the winter, things could take a turn for the worse as they insist on involving themselves in our sitch. I figured things could go either way, H could start drinking MIL's koolaid again and start spewing vile hostility my way or, the distance of having his parents away and uninvolved for a period of time would open his eyes of how intrusive they are & have been.

It's hard to say which one it is. H is showing an incredible amount of impatience again about the house not being sold yet. It's futile for me to try to figure it out. Unless or until H tells me there's no point in even trying to guess.

Oddly enough, last night at D12's ball game was the first time I've seen or spoken to FIL since the beginning of October. Although he did leave me a happy birthday message for me on facebook a couple of weeks ago. When H told me that his dad was going to be coming to watch the ball game, I anticipated some degree of awkwardness but surprisingly, it went fine.

Today is H's birthday. I sent him a text this morning wishing him a happy birthday & last night gave him a card and a package of wine gums. I bought a starbucks gift card & card for him from D12, which she also gave to him last night. He's coming over saturday night for dinner so we can celebrate.


M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
Dory #2246405 05/18/12 05:23 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 75
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I've been reading How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love & Steven Stosny. I don't recall who mentioned it here (Accuray maybe?) but whoever it was, thanks for the recommendation! Great book! It really sheds a lot of light on what I think really went wrong in my M.

My wedding anniversary is in a few weeks. I'm considering giving it to H as an anniversary gift, asking him to open it alone (so I don't see his reaction or open myself up to having any expectations).

Good idea? Bad?


M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
Dory #2246422 05/18/12 05:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Think about it, I don't know your H but he may take it as "I think you're broken, here's something to help you fix yourself."


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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