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#2230918 - 03/15/12 02:21 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Harrier]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: Harrier
Originally Posted By: rickb89


Why didn't you throw in th towel? Where you at my point and then what...I need to hear your story. Why r u glad you didn't throw in towel? Did your S cheat...and you had kids who knew...i.e. was your sitch like mine? Did you R?


Everyone's situation is unique to them. I did what was best for me. My W is not in the same crisis as yours (I do believe she has unresolved issues that she refuses to address). My W had a EA with a co-worker mentor/she still is in contact with him though its b/c work.

I wanted to give up, I was basically planning an exit timeline. My needs weren't getting met, she wasn't trying, yada yada yada. My bomb is from 11/2010. But when I took a step back I realized everything I've ever wanted in a partner, she had. There was no one else to 'tempt' me. Plus our kids are very young(2,5). Plus, I'm only 41, so I had some time.

Then about a month ago, things started to change. We aren't fully R, but I feel better about it. She is doing a lot of planning for our future. She has never said "I want to work on the marriage" But if you asked her, I'm sure she'd say she is and has been showing it. It's slow but it's going. If I would have given up, I might have lost that chance.

This feedback will give many people hope and maybe some patience. Glad I asked..glad you responded. Funny..it, the chance to R just came about for you without any big fanfare or trumpets from heaven, meaning time did it's work quietly.


Originally Posted By: rickb89
And BTW...whose the OW your referring to? My friends and me are curious as hell. Am I having blackout spells and going vampire at night or something?


Unless, I'm confusing your with someone else, did you have a friend who was going through something similar who expressed an interest?


That's correct...you win the memory prize! That is Kelli, lifelong friend and fellow LBS, and that did happen. It's not a factor or a blockage to me being clear about my sitch, not to diminish in any way her being a bff. I had no idea who you could have been talking about

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#2230928 - 03/15/12 02:41 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
181! Godzilla indeed..
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2230940 - 03/15/12 03:15 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2517
Loc: Piney Land
89 Denver posted this to someone else not sure if you saw it. Thought you might like it.


The Lighthouse

Your spouse is in huge conflict. The good news is; and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now. The competition that we believe exists with the Other Person is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world. It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.

Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now. Though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong, they do not like what they are doing.

Their actions toward you, the children, the Other Person, and themselves, as well as God, keep them from engaging in any type of real interaction with any real depth and truth.

All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life. Yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lies down, regardless of whom is next to them.

They are the living cliche of 'no matter where you go, there you are.'

They are lost to themselves.

And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home, even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing the beacon.

You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.

Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.

You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them toward it. Let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.

You cannot trust them right now, but you know that, so they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better.

You show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. Set clear boundaries that the Other Person is not part of your children's lives...without Love Busting. Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the Other Person is to have no access to them. You fill the children's lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.

Do not discuss or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.

Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is ok. No one can stay very long in that chaos. Remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos, and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.

Be the lighthouse.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2230945 - 03/15/12 03:25 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Rick1963]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 754
^^^^^

that is a great post! Thanks for sharing!
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2230946 - 03/15/12 03:29 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: barely floating]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
Agree with BF. I needed to read that, along with Harrier's posts. Everyday this board gives me a reason not to give up.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2230958 - 03/15/12 04:27 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: RoRoinMD]
mr mr Offline
Member

Registered: 01/05/12
Posts: 201
Loc: Wisconsin
Hey Rick just checking in to see how it's going. Not bad for me today, check in later.
_________________________
Michael

Me:46 /W:37
M:13 /T:16
D's:19,18,17,6
S:10
W filed 8/15/11
Court 9/21/12

Conflict is inevitable. Combat is optional.

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#2230961 - 03/15/12 04:37 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: mr mr]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8564
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Yes, thanks for sharing, all of you, forever and ever, amen.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2230962 - 03/15/12 04:41 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: labug]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
187!!
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2230963 - 03/15/12 04:43 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2517
Loc: Piney Land
Oh I get it now duh
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2230968 - 03/15/12 04:51 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Rick1963]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8564
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Yes, 63, every little bit helps.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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