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Old post: Part 4

No, KD, no history there with bro. We were pretty typical brother and sister. Besides, if our childhood bothered me, I've more than made up for it since because I've always made more money than him in the same career. smile He might have had the brawn, but I've had the brains.


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Hi CV! I know you have been taking a break from posting on your own thread and I have seen you dispensing advice on other threads, including my own. I just wanted to check in to see how you are doing.

I know you had mentioned possibly attending some self help seminars. How did that go? Any changes or improvements with you and your H?

Hope all is well!


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It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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I second that, I've been wondering how you're doing and what you're up to.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
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Hey guys, sorry for the lapse. Among other things, it was finals week last week. That and other spring activities has had me away from the laptop. Not a bad thing, really. Thanks for checking in.

I didn't get to do EE. Ironically, like so many other things in my life, I seem to have addressed the issues I needed to in the meantime. I think life/relationship/biology had me in a real depression. Only hindsight has afforded me the ability to see just how bad. I'm so thankful to be out of it! Plus, I've got a girls weekend away coming up this weekend, which for me is probably as good or better than any structured seminar. Maybe I'll do it some day just for fun, but it's nice to not feel desperate about it.

As for my R with H, we've settled into a sort of "roommate" situation. As long as we operate at a superficial level -- no intimacy, no sex, no serious discussions -- we seem to do fine. He keeps telling me he wants more, but then he doesn't do anything different. I'm not even sure he knows what he wants, he just doesn't like the term "roommates." I've simply decided to define it as that mentally, and then I know what to expect and how to respond.

Regardless of what he says, that's how he acts. For instance, his older son graduated last weekend. He didn't include me in making the plans for the party, just told me afterward how it was going to be, then couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to go. Nevermind that his ex and 30 of her family members were going to be there, whom H knows despise me and treat me like crap, while our friends and family present consisted of 3 people. Point being that it would have been extremely uncomfortable for me there, and it would have gone much better for us to have a separate party so we could host our friends and family too. But he didn't consider that. Didn't discuss it with me. But then why would he when we're just roommates? Honestly, other than mentioning it here, it was nothing but a passing blip on the radar screen. Previously, I would have been hurt and angry for days or even weeks.

As for me, I've been very happy. The weather here has been fabulous! I've spent a great deal of time outside, and the flowers are gorgeous! The semester is over. I've been visiting with friends and family. I've almost completely stopped working on my M and focused instead on GAL'g, and it feels great! No more crazy-making. If H told me today that he was leaving, my only concern would be losing a roommate to help share the rent. I know I probably should be sad, but I've spent so much of my M being sad over what I didn't have in my M (Accuray, I can very much relate to your sitch) that I'd just rather accept it for what it is and make a life in spite of it, albeit separate. Not the traditional happy ending, but certainly making lemonade out of lemons.


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Hi CV, I'm so glad you're feeling happy and beyond your depression, it must be a relief to see that in the rearview. If your current M works for you, great! Finding total acceptance can be more important than finding total happiness.

W told me about a month ago she wanted to define our marriage in terms of "friendly roommates with benefits". When I started treating her that way, however, she didn't like it. We had a subsequent discussion where she basically described that she likes it when I chase her, but she doesn't want to be caught, which is to say that she wants me engaged so she knows things are OK, but she doesn't want to engage herself. I was laughing to myself because it's exactly the dynamic described in "The Solo Partner" which she has recognized without reading the book, that she enjoys being the emotional distancer, that she likes having me pursue, and that she expects more from our relationship than she is willing to put in.

I now believe that's what was at the root of her infidelity, I stopped pursuing her, so she found other men to do so. It didn't go physical because it's not the connection that she wants, it's the pursuit. I think she has come to realize that too, she thought she wanted connection and intimacy, but when I offered it she couldn't do it.

I see this parallel to your sitch, your H wants you to pursue him, but doesn't actually want to engage with you beyond getting his own needs met. I also think, like you, I've been doing a good job of accepting the situation for what it is, dropping my expectations, and not getting disappointed when things don't happen, or when my actions are not reciprocated. It feels good to give, and I'm happy with that. I feel like I'm getting enough so for now it's working.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Wow, Accuray, that DOES sound just like the Solo Partner description of the distancer. Did she actually phrase it that way, or is that just your summation? I'm curious because I had an exchange with H a couple of nights ago that reminded me of that. H made a series of statements a few minutes apart, and when I "reflective listened" (when you state back what you heard to see if it's what the other person meant to communicate) it sounded as absurd as what your W is indicating -- that it somehow makes sense to her that she SHOULD be able to get more out of the R than she's willing to put into it.

When I presented to H what he had communicated, he at least had the decency to recognize how ridiculous his own words sounded. I know I'm not supposed to embarrass my H, but that wasn't my intention, and I don't know how I can interact with someone that is so inconsistent that I don't know what they're saying.

Quote:
I see this parallel to your sitch, your H wants you to pursue him, but doesn't actually want to engage with you beyond getting his own needs met.
I would say he doesn't really even want me to pursue him. He just wants me at his beck and call, like a dog that lays there at his feet waiting until he calls or commands something. I've actually used that reference in counseling. If I were to pursue him as you're suggesting or as you're doing, it would actually be annoying to him. His interests most of the time lie elsewhere.

In the Solo Partner, it talks about the Pursuer eventually getting tired of the pursuit and rejection, and they stop pursuing. That's when the Distancer turns into the Pursuer. I know you said you're okay with that right now, that it feels good to give, but that just sounds like the part of the pursuer/distancer dance where you've reengaged for now until you burn out again. Nothing wrong with a positive spell, I just don't know that you can go it for the long haul. I, for one, find no joy in giving to H. I guess I'm on the other side of the cycle. Scary thing for me is that his role-reversal to being pursuer isn't having any positive affect on me, probably because he's not very good at it. It's similar to what I think I've read in your posts describing your W's efforts as coming across "fake" or uninvested. His old routine of apologizing and promising to "never do it again" has run its course, and he doesn't have any other tricks up his sleeve. A one-trick pony, it seems.

I think acceptance is key to any situation. I'm not one to give up a fight, but neither am I one to take on a losing battle. Sure, I'd rather have a chocolate milkshake, but I like lemonade. I can be content finding happiness in what I can have available to me, rather than pining for something I can't have. Perhaps you're there too; you just happen to be able to do that with your W. I'm glad for you!


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I'm glad you're back!

She didn't phrase it in Solo Partner terminology, but she did say she's uncomfortable with intimacy and making herself vulnerable, that she likes it when I share but doesn't like to herself, and that when I am texting her, looking to give her hugs, etc., she likes it because it lets her know that everything is alright, but she's not looking to initiate those things herself.

She said that when I withdraw (distance) she gets worried and will reach out, but when I come around again she stops. That's pretty much a paraphrasing of the pursuer/distancer dance.

I did follow the advice in the book and just stopped pursuing for many weeks -- I was friendly and cordial, but I wouldn't initiate anything. She just continued to out-withdraw me. If I went to a 6, she went to a 4, if I went to a 4, she went to a 2. She'd get upset, but she wouldn't do anything about it really. Eventually I said to myself "this is silly, I'm not being the person I want to be. I'm going to just by myself and not worry about it" and that's kind of where I am.

I think the distance is that when you're pursuing you're expecting some kind of reaction or reciprocation. I'm not expecting anything from her anymore, so I'm not really pursuing, I'm just being me. I'll Skype her or send her a text a few times a week. If she never initiates that with me, that's ok, that's who she is.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Sorry, dyslexic I guess, I've been getting worse with that lately. "distance" in the 4th word of the last paragraph should be "difference" -- and I meant "be myself" not "by myself". I'm going to have to start using preview reply, because I obviously have a problem!


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
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That's okay, Accuray, you're forgiven. smile

I thought it was something more like that, that she didn't actually use the Solo Partner terminology. It's still difficult to imagine how it fits in someone's head that that makes for a healthy R, but that could probably be said about a lot of relationships.

That is so cool that you've found a way to "be yourself" that seems to work with what your W is programmed for. If "yourself" was someone that actually needed reciprocation, it probably wouldn't work. It doesn't work for me. Used to, not anymore.


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Just thought I'd post a question and see if I could get any feedback on this.

Went away for a girls weekend at the lake. It was fabulous! While I was there, one of the ladies said something that I found curious. I talked to her about it later, but she sort of denied it, or perhaps it really was just different than I understood with her first comment. In any case, I didn't want to pursue further -- it's not what the weekend was about.

Anyway, her comment was that she was upset because her H didn't want to go with her to the Botanical Gardens, and she wanted him to go. Not because they have a bad relationship, just because he just really doesn't like the activity. Instead, she ended up going with just her boys. My H doesn't like going to the Botanical Gardens with me either. But I know how he feels about it and I couldn't enjoy myself if I knew he was not enjoying himself, so I just prefer to go without him. H is the opposite -- he doesn't care how miserable I am, as long as I'm there with him, he's happy. I was hoping that my GF could explain it to me, since H is short on words, but that's when she denied that's what she was saying and changed the subject.

Does anyone have any experience with this? I sort of feel that way sometimes when reading posts where the WAS clearly doesn't want anything to do with the LBS, and the LBS knows it but could somehow still be happy if the WAS would just "stay." I question this in regards to the ILYBINILWY. I'm not a jealous person and I've never fought for any man, or any person for that matter. I just do my best in the R, and if it's not good enough and they're more interested in someone else, I let them go. I feel like I'm loving them more by letting them live for their own happiness, than if I expect them to deny their own happiness in order to provide mine.

Just curious as to anyone's thoughts on this ....


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